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Chat => Social Responsibilty => Topic started by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 08:16:53 AM

Title: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 08:16:53 AM
I thought I would share my experiances with you guys.

My mom is 70 years old, suffers from diabetes, alzheimers and high blood pressure and I have been looking after her for several months now. That included having to bathe, dress and as of late having to feed her occasionally as she now finds it difficult to even hold a fork or spoon. This also included little things like moving her legs on and off the bed, changing her daipers, doing her washing, making sure she gets her medication in the morning and evenings, making her some breakfast and tea, lunch and supper, brushing her hair, cleaning her room etc. Then we get the constant calling early hours of the morning, just to be asked to pull the blanket straight. Which by the way was already in place, and as you lay your head down to fall asleep again, a call for water or something to drink. Very often my 10 year old would be standing by my bedside saying " Gam is calling (her nickname)" because I could'nt hear her call, and this at 4am. I situation like this affect your whole family. Kids have this tendancy to say what is on ther minds, often without thinking. Whic is when we as parents have to step in adn say things like, "Hey that's your granny you talking about!" or "why must she always call me, jussso!"

But the hardest thing for me (and I am sure most men will agree) was when it came to the bathing. I tell you this, THAT NO MAN SHOULD HAVE TO WASH HIS MOMS BUSINESS!!!! It's just not right to do that, and it just never gets easier on you.

So after a long battle, she is finally off to a frail care home this morning as I can no longer offer her the care that I so much wanted to give her. In act, I think I will do more damage by keeping her here at home. A very difficult decision to make. Even while I am typing this, I am trying to convince myself that I should keep her at home. Reason for me still wanting to do that, no human being should be on ther own at this age and in this condition. They should be with family!!!! And then you have her crying and saying, "please dont put me in a home" Jurre man, that softens the heart in a jiffy!

But......

Heaven forbid that any of you should have to make this decision, if it comes to that just remember one thing, you cannot offer your parents the care they need when they are at this stage. They need 24 hour pro care. Unless you have the funds for it, maybe sell the power amp or those yellow cones, something like that :-)

To mommy!

I ask that one day when you are no longer here, that you get on the AVf Forums, read this and forgive me for letting you go and putting you in there, and that you can see I had no choice.  :pray:

Soooo.......Have a blessed day forumites!!! and remember "chin up!"

 :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: chipwelder on October 22, 2014, 08:30:02 AM
Hard choice... very hard. The job of giving long term care is perhaps harder still.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: TimbaLand on October 22, 2014, 08:30:36 AM
All of the best man
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 08:39:48 AM
Thanx for the words guys. It's almost time to leave  :vsad: Have to be there by 11.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: kamikazi on October 22, 2014, 09:03:07 AM
Really feel your pain and all the best with this journey. Our family went through a similar journey with my grandmother, she passed away last year, and I think it was the most difficult decision my mother ever had to make to put her in frail care, but your mother will be in good hands. I have to say the people that looked after my grandmother were fantastic, considering that it is really tough to work with Alzheimers patients. One thing that we found that helped a lot with my grandmother was to furnish her room with some of her favourite things, such as family photos a couple of items of familiar furniture. My grandmother would never stop talking about my grandfather and their 50yr wedding anniversary every time she looked at the photo. If your mother has a private room I think that could help as well.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 09:59:00 AM
Hi Kamakazi.

Unfortunetly, they share a room with someone :-( But I get what you saying. I have included some photos and other items, just so that she wont be so lost when she gets there. My biggest heartache is, because she has alzheimers, I have to remind her that she is going to a home, and that starts the whole crying process all over again, which in turn leads me to start crying again. It's like a wheel, over and over again.

But I know she will be offered better care by the home, way more than what I can offer her here. That's all that is stopping me from keeping her at home.

Thanx though :-)
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Mistro on October 22, 2014, 10:00:36 AM
All the best man.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Scrat on October 22, 2014, 10:09:40 AM
Very, very tough decision. But it's the right one. All the best.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 10:20:11 AM
 :thumbs:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: mahleu on October 22, 2014, 10:23:31 AM
I read this the other day. Sums up a difficult decision very well http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29644976
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 11:14:05 AM
First i ws suppose to be there at 11, now it's 12:30 The devil works in mysterious ways.

Quote
http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29644976

Pretty much says it all. The look she gives me with tears in her eyes is the most heart wrenching experiance ever :vsad:

And here is the saddest part of it all, my sister lives on the same property, not even more than 15m away. She just don't give a :cr@p:

The fothermucker!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: WD on October 22, 2014, 11:50:38 AM
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I looked after my mom at the end of her life as well and also had to put her into frail care eventually because she wasn't eating anymore and needed pain management for cancer. It breaks your heart but you have to consider the impact and consequences on your family if you don't do it.

Don't be too hard on your sister - some people have different ways of coping with this situation and some just can't do it. Your mom was blessed to have you caring for her but now is the right time to get her into specialised care.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 11:59:20 AM
Quote
Don't be too hard on your sister - some people have different ways of coping with this situation and some just can't do it.

I understand your point, but she does ......

Lets not go there  :fuse: :fuse: :fuse: :fuse:

But thanx to all for the kind words and advise, it greatly appreciated. On the up side of all this (Lord forgive me), and believe me when I say this, it in no way, or ever will makes up for me having to put my mom in a home. I now have a spare room!

Any ideas?

Just to lighten the conversation a bit :-)

Got's to go, it's time  :vsad:

Will check in a bit later for some suggestions.

Later guys
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: kamikazi on October 22, 2014, 12:13:15 PM
Keeping you in my thoughts today. You've done as much as you could to help and you shouldn't lose sight of that.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 02:41:42 PM
I just got back, and man oh man was it hard. I will never ever forget her face, those eyes asking me why! Dammit!!!!

 A biiiiig thank you to all the forum members that kept me in there thoughts and prayers. God bless you all.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Bernard on October 22, 2014, 03:27:45 PM
ballistic, my heart goes out to you. Don't feel guilty ...... it's the best thing you could have done for her, honestly.
My dad had alzheimers and died two years ago. He was in Cape Town and I'm in Great Brak and every Friday he would phone and say...." It's me, I'm checking up on you" Now I miss those calls. I also had to take him to the loo when whenever I visited him and my mom. I just spoke to him the whole time so there were no awkward moments to dwell on. One of the "hardest to accept" moments was when I went down for the Argus. I usually pop the folks in the car and drive the route with them. He kept asking me who I was. For 57 years we were a very close family with lots of good memories growing up. When we were not there at the Rathfelder retirement complex he was very rough on my mom. Often he wouldn't know who she was, he would kick the front door to get out etc. It tore her to pieces to put him in a frail care home but it was the best thing for all concerned....nobody felt bad and we all understood. After the Argus I gave them a lift to the Constantiaberg Clinic before heading back to Great Brak. I got out, gave him a big hug and said "be good" .......... Still miss the big guy  :)
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 03:40:33 PM
Thanx man,

I'm basically in this alone, so it will take a bit more time to get over it. Some might say I am petty, but donder! it breaks a mans heart. 
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: watz on October 22, 2014, 04:16:23 PM
dude this thread made me think of my mom  .....let me phone her to check up on her .
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Family_Dog on October 22, 2014, 04:33:32 PM
I think you are unnecessarily suffering guilt symptoms. My Mom came to stay with me at about age 88 and she used to go to one of the local Aged Care Centres twice weekly, out of her own free will. There she attended Church services as well as outings and other suitable entertainment with people of her own age. She used to tell me she wished she could get a permanent place there but I was having none of it, due to the very reasons you have stated above.

At age 90 she had lens implants in both eyes because of cataracts. She was elated, she could now see clearly and read newspapers once again, with out the need for a magnifying glass.

At age 93, she tripped and broke her hip. Doctors told her that she would now be relatively immobile and would need a walking aid or wheelchair to get around. Yeah, right! She used to carry a tray with a mug of coffee and plate of biscuits in her one hand, while carrying her walking stick in the other, and even step over the cross Ridgeback-Boxer I used to have.

At age 95 the doctor advised that she be placed in a frail-care centre. This was the happiest day of her life, she was now going to be with her friends at long last on a full-time basis and could not wait for the day we took her there. She lived happily there for over two years, we had a surprise blast for her on her 97th birthday.


(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y289/ews2k/Momat97_zpsfaa38e2b.png) (http://s7.photobucket.com/user/ews2k/media/Momat97_zpsfaa38e2b.png.html)


(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y289/ews2k/Granny017_zps3c11d7c0.jpg) (http://s7.photobucket.com/user/ews2k/media/Granny017_zps3c11d7c0.jpg.html)

Three weeks after this she quietly slipped away at Hospital, where we had taken her because of low blood pressure. But she had a brilliant life, right up until the very last day! In fact, more so, because she wanted to be at Elandshaven Frail Care Centre.


-F_D
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 06:48:39 PM
Sorry to hear about you loss FD.

You mom was certainly a good age and I'm sure she lived her life to the full. Reminds me of my granny, passed at age 97. My mom on the other hand has/and knows nobody at the home. But what I am hoping for is that she will somehow get that zest for life again. Maybe mixing with people of her own age will do her some good, then they have outings and other activities etc. There are physio's there as well that will assist and help her to use those legs

But I'll see how things go from here, my first visit is gonna be on Saturday, can't wait for that.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Family_Dog on October 22, 2014, 07:46:57 PM
I'm sure she will mix in with others there, their activities are designed for that. Give her a few days to get to know the other folk and soon she'll be purring like a kitten!  ;)


-F_D
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Curlycat on October 22, 2014, 08:52:35 PM
Ballistic your experience saddens my heart. I feel for you buddy.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 09:35:54 PM
Quote
Ballistic your experience saddens my heart. I feel for you buddy.

Aaah, no worries.

Thanx to all for the kind words. After alot of time thinking, I have come to this conclusion. My feelings of guilt will be around as long as I allow it to be. I will instead concentrate on the family I have with me, but surely won't forget about mom :).

So be gone with you GUILT :whip: :whip: :whip:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Family_Dog on October 22, 2014, 09:53:45 PM
Yes, that is the way. She will always be your mom and will love to see you but the care she gets in the frail care centre is far better than you could ever hope to be able to provide for at home.


-F_D
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 22, 2014, 10:01:22 PM
Quote
Yes, that is the way. She will always be your mom and will love to see you

Net soo.  :)

Quote
but the care she gets in the frail care centre is far better than you could ever hope to be able to provide for at home.

I hope so, of anders skop ek gat jong!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 25, 2014, 04:41:59 PM
I just thought I would let you guys know how mom is doing.

Thankfully, alot better than what she was while she was at home. I'm impressed with the care and the improvement she has made thus far, and in such a short time nogal. Just a beeeg thanx to all for the encouraging words. It means alot to me, especially coming from people I have never met. I guess the world still has some good left in it after all  :)

 :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: adie on October 30, 2014, 09:46:47 PM
I hope you are getting some shut-eye- and dog/ neighbour issues are sorted out.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 31, 2014, 06:39:22 PM
Quote
I hope you are getting some shut-eye-

Thanx for asking, I tiep like a baby :-) As for the dog/neighbour issue. Hardly any barking, I think the dog seems to be settling in a bit, but still have the stench of the poo, and, and there always is one, I have grinding going on till about 7 in the evening. I feel like throwing him a meatball with crushed glass in it. Hopefully he will take it :thumbs:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Kent Kassler on October 31, 2014, 07:36:38 PM
Trust me dude.....no man will take a meatball while he is grinding.....it wont work.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on October 31, 2014, 08:05:55 PM
what gets me is, they doing all this grinding right in the  :cr@p:! Jurre nee man! Maybe it's the norm for them to be in the  :cr@p: Maybe they  :thinking:e the :cr@p: is  :groovy: I think it's  :puke:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Rodney_gold on November 01, 2014, 09:38:31 AM
Despite 24 hour nursing , we couldnt take care of my mom at her home (or mine) , and had to send her to a frial care home(a real good one , R27k a month)
amazingly enough she perked up there , having the best nursing care , a whole phalanx of gofers , ppl she could talk to and moan at etc.
some times you got to do what you got to do.. don't feel guilty , you arent trained to deal with situations like this , and instead of destroying your family dynamic etc - you have done the right thing for both your fam and her..
My mom lived in frail care for 3 years - happily - till she willed herself to die as her various conditions that had got worse made her life hell...
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Swindlehurstguy on November 01, 2014, 01:19:52 PM
hats off Ballistic, takes real courage and a loving heart to look after your mom the way you have, indeed, doing those things that you would sooner a nurse would have, must have taken tons of character. For many people sending the folks off to an old age home or frailty care is all too easy, for you, not so, because you have a healthy concept of what family is, thanks for the reminder that as families we need each other!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on November 01, 2014, 06:40:38 PM
Now that she has been there for almost 2 weeks, I can see the effects of proper care. She is stronger and more willing, more responsive where speech is concerned, even though she keeps asking me on what ship I came in on  :whistler: Anyway, I just couldn't understand why after all the effort I put in, she could not be like this while she was at home.

As you Rodney said

Quote
best nursing care , a whole phalanx of gofers , ppl she could talk to and moan at etc.


And mommy can moan ne!  :BWAHAHAH:

But thank you to all for the encouraging words, I so do appreciate it.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: LAV on November 06, 2014, 07:40:24 PM
Thinking of you. It can never be easy.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on November 07, 2014, 07:01:45 PM
Thanx Lav!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on December 14, 2014, 07:42:07 PM
Why do I feel like I threw here away  :vsad:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: adie on December 14, 2014, 07:52:53 PM
Why do I feel like I threw here away  :vsad:

Don't guilt yourself (there may be others doing that).
Read your previous post to remind yourself how much better off your mum is where she is.
And there is nothing wrong in being better off yourself.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ballistic on December 14, 2014, 10:52:38 PM
you're right about the "others"

A supposed friend told me today I will be sorry for putting her there. I'll see one day................. aaagh

I'm tired, later guys.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: andredt on January 14, 2015, 01:44:48 PM
Despite 24 hour nursing , we couldnt take care of my mom at her home (or mine) , and had to send her to a frial care home(a real good one , R27k a month)
amazingly enough she perked up there , having the best nursing care , a whole phalanx of gofers , ppl she could talk to and moan at etc.
some times you got to do what you got to do.. don't feel guilty , you arent trained to deal with situations like this , and instead of destroying your family dynamic etc - you have done the right thing for both your fam and her..
My mom lived in frail care for 3 years - happily - till she willed herself to die as her various conditions that had got worse made her life hell...
27K a month. HOLY MOLY!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Peter Carpenter on January 14, 2015, 03:13:52 PM
R4,800 for Mom in a private room just 2 years ago, nearby in Pinelands, Mom loved the fab. meals x3 daily
and enjoyed the company made and the wonderful care of the staff, loved it there!
Mom couldn't cope with Dad's illness, I came home to help, into an attached private apartment, then Dad
lasted just 2 weeks in hospital. Mom lost a leg and only agreed to a home before the loss of the 2nd.
Was joyful to hear from many of Mom's braveness. Much like you, had to cope alone.

Don't fret Ballistic, Rodney's posting applies. Cap off to you, you can be proud of what you do in the love of your Mother.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: senyetse on January 14, 2015, 04:26:40 PM
That must have been so hard.  My parents are mid-70s, can see they're geeting old now.  All the best!
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: ingenieus on January 14, 2015, 06:17:10 PM
My mom also has Alzheimers. Luckily my dad is still up to the job of taking care of her. Sadly, there is 350km of highway and several very expensive tollgates between us and them. My sister and I try to visit every six weeks or so. Every time we get there, the deterioration in her condition is evident. She is rather difficult to get along with. Her favorite pastime is watching the Travel channel on DStv, with the sound off.

Any change in her surroundings upsets her. Once, she complained that there was a red light on the decoder instead of a green one when she got to the lounge. I had to explain that this was because I had switched off the decoder the night before. Another time, she was upset because one of the kids moved a pillow on the couch. The reality is that the mother I had known and loved all my life will never be back.

An aunt died of Alzheimers a couple of years ago. My uncle passed away before her. For various reasons, he could not stay with her in the frail care facility but he visited almost daily. Apparently, she kept asking about him when my cousin and his wife visited. Every time that it was explained to her that he was deceased, she would be distraught all over again. She died only a few months later.

On a lighter note, here is a story on the latest overseas development in caring for those with dementia:

http://gizmodo.com/inside-an-amazing-village-designed-just-for-people-with-1526062373/+matepetrany

And a  German nursing home has come up with a novel idea to stop Alzheimer's patients from wandering off - a phantom bus stop:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2069467/Wayward-Alzheimers-patients-foiled-by-fake-bus-stop.html
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: kamikazi on January 14, 2015, 07:33:52 PM
My grandmother had hearing aids as well. There was a crisis at least twice a week where they would go missing. I think one pair ended up being microwaved! Often you would have an entire conversation only to find my grandmother wasn't wearing them to begin with! :giggle:
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Eish on January 14, 2015, 08:17:49 PM
Why do I feel like I threw here away  :vsad:

Damn dude, that is hectic.  Tough calls are all characterised by that heavy feeling, reminding us that we are good people.  Only psychopaths a free from those types of feelings.

All the best for you and for your mom.  I am sure they will not only take good care of her, she will also find much needed company and loads of wisdom around her peers.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Mongoose on June 12, 2015, 05:02:21 PM
Just got some very sad news and thought I would share it with you guys. Ballistics mom passed away on Tuesday at the age of 71. Was quite a sad affair when I saw him. My condolences to him and his family.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Family_Dog on June 12, 2015, 07:25:33 PM
Rough one, sorry to hear this. But at least she was getting the care that was so necessary at this stage in her life. Had the same happen to my mom but she was at peace when her time arrived.


-F_D
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: kamikazi on June 13, 2015, 09:31:22 PM
My sincerest condolences Ballistic... :vsad: May you find comfort and peace that your mom was well looked after and had a family that deeply cared for her.
Title: Re: Time to go!
Post by: Mervin on June 14, 2015, 09:29:09 AM
My thoughts are with you balistic. Nothing can be said to take the pain away however you did the right thing.  I would expect my children to do the same in your case.