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Open Chat => Open Talk => Topic started by: Viagara on January 23, 2008, 09:00:07 AM

Title: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 23, 2008, 09:00:07 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Ben Schoeman Highway Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, :  "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Zuma, Winnie, Dr Manto and Mugabe . They're asking for a
R 310 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.  We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks:  "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Andrew on January 23, 2008, 10:12:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kay on January 23, 2008, 11:24:52 AM
:D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DACMan1 on January 24, 2008, 08:30:40 AM
Gatiep and Karools are sitting on death row.

Gatiep says to the Warden : Does this take long and is it painfull?

Warden say's no they just strap you in and flick the switch and its over.

Karools is called in, moments later Gatiep hears screeming shouting and this carries on for quite a while.

Gatiep complains to the Warden : I thought you said it was quick and painless.

Warden replies that as result of the load shedding they have to use candles.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 24, 2008, 08:47:01 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on January 26, 2008, 05:50:24 PM
Those are jokes for 2 days ago. Where is Joke for the Day?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on January 26, 2008, 07:28:57 PM
what did south africans use to light up their homes before they used candles ?
























electricity
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 28, 2008, 11:11:54 AM
DIE STORIE VAN DIE 3 BEERTJIES
 
Bababeer  sit in sy klein stoeltjie by die tafel, en kyk na sy klein papbordjie. . . . . .
"Wie't my pappies geëet?" vra hy. . . .
Pappabeer kyk na sy groot papbord. . . .
"Wie de duiwel het my pap geëeet?"   vra hy . . . .
 
Mammabeer se kop verskyn om die kombuisdeur. . . . . . .
 
 
 
 " EK.
HET.
NOG.
NIE.
DIE.
PAP.
GEMAAK.
NIE.
WANT .......   
 
 












 
DIE F%$#@N KRAG IS ALWEER AF!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on January 29, 2008, 03:01:53 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Goed, ek sal nie weer nie. (Kan nie hier sien nie - die krag is af.)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Neil on January 29, 2008, 06:56:06 AM
hehehehe julle mense is mal ne!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on January 29, 2008, 07:43:35 PM
     
        Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
        spend the rest of your day......

        There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

        By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

        Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
        how should he express himself?
        Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... 
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
         
        He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses."
        If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

        I've got mine shutting down right now.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 29, 2008, 10:33:14 PM
You had no right to do that... >:(
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on January 29, 2008, 11:17:23 PM
Blues....

No respect for the stupid ...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on January 30, 2008, 07:20:43 PM
Most definitely the joke for today; the minister of minerals and energy said:

"Sleep more, it will save energy, and you even get cleverer" ??? ??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::) ::)

I thought it was April fool's day when I read it........

Since she is black and I'm white, I don't want to give my real opinion such as the word 'retard' etc. Rather go and read the black forum-contributors comments on News24. They've put the axe into her well enough.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Hennie on January 30, 2008, 08:18:32 PM
Eskom engineers working on the load shedding problem
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AV on January 30, 2008, 08:36:17 PM
Most definitely the joke for today; the minister of minerals and energy said:

"Sleep more, it will save energy, and you even get cleverer" ??? ??? ??? ??? ::) ::) ::) ::)

I thought it was April fool's day when I read it........


Who are you to judge, it certainly worked for her, wonder how many children she have. :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on January 30, 2008, 09:43:01 PM
Who are you to judge, it certainly worked for her, wonder how many children she have. :D

This was in response to an RR post that quoted the Minister of Minerals and Energy as saying:

Quote
Sleep more, it will save energy, and you even get cleverer

If, in fact it DID work for her and she DID wind up with a horde of kiddies, her only worry now is that they might get married before she does...
On the other hand, if the sleeping was done all on her lonesome, then we can only hope that she had an adequate supply of batteries for....

The moral of the story? Sex was designed as a duet - solo performances are frowned upon in polite society!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 31, 2008, 08:32:29 AM

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
 
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on January 31, 2008, 08:54:18 AM
Who are you to judge, it certainly worked for her, wonder how many children she have. :D

If, in fact it DID work for her and she DID wind up with a horde of kiddies, her only worry now is that they might get married before she does...
On the other hand, if the sleeping was done all on her lonesome, then we can only hope that she had an adequate supply of batteries for....

The moral of the story? Sex was designed as a duet - solo performances are frowned upon in polite society!


hehe. HOWEVER, given that one gets cleverer with sleep, she must have been bonking away (playing away.... ;D) too much, and got NO sleep
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on January 31, 2008, 07:00:52 PM
Here's a terrible one for the day:

Jan has dialled into Classic FM to take part in their morning quiz and has just had a question posed about the identity of a Portuguese explorer that sailed around the Cape way back when, when his maid sticks her head 'round the corner:

Maid: "Master, wat moet ek noe doen?"
Jan:  "Was gou die kamer!!"
Classic FM announcer: "Is the correct answer!!!"

OUCH!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on February 01, 2008, 01:08:23 PM
And soon the Escom electricity problems will be something of the past.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on February 01, 2008, 01:41:08 PM
ROFL - Read my spkurb at the bottom. I knew my hero would solve the prob
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on February 01, 2008, 02:35:33 PM
spkurb

 ;D ;D You just got back from the pub? ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on February 01, 2008, 04:57:02 PM
;D ;D You just got back from the pub? ;D ;D
ROFLOLFLOFL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 02, 2008, 11:10:52 PM
OK - the usual male-female one. (NO, not that usual!)

A spicey young thing (OK, make her middle-aged) once married a wealthy old f... . But he got back at her, making her promise that when he dies, she would put all his money in the coffin with him.

Cometh the day, and she tearfully placed a fairly large (heavy) box in the coffin, friends looking on agast. Burial, blessings, earth-to-earth and earth on top and so on. One friend hazarded: "But - er - you surely did not actually BURY the money with him!?"  She did, she said; after all a promise is a promise ...... "But - how?"  "Oh", replied the grieving widow. "I placed a cheque in the box....."   
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 07, 2008, 07:55:54 PM
Eskom bosses have stated that no-one is allowed to refer to "blackouts" as this is not politically correct. In future we will speak of "previously-lit areas."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 11, 2008, 11:55:21 PM
OK, actually puzzle for the day:

What is small, brown and goes mooz - mooz (sound)?

(Answer tomorrow.)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on February 12, 2008, 08:50:21 AM
A small brown cow?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 12, 2008, 11:43:43 PM
Quote
What is small, brown and goes mooz - mooz (sound)?

Got it?

A bee flying backwards.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on February 13, 2008, 05:06:41 AM
Hey that was a trick - Brown! They're Yellow and Black man

The answer was definatly small brwon cow ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on February 13, 2008, 03:43:57 PM
Why it's important to understand English -

I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank. I stood in the short line.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the
teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today
I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people,
too".

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 15, 2008, 10:45:07 PM
 HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK_

 
 
1.         Open a new file in your computer.
 
2.         Name it "Robert Mugabe".
 
3.         Send it to the Recycle Bin.
 
4.         Empty the Recycle Bin.
 
5.         Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
            "Robert Mugabe ?"
 
6.         Firmly Click "Yes."
 
7.         Feel better? 
 
 
 
Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 16, 2008, 01:54:58 AM
That had rather be a L A R G E  file.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 16, 2008, 08:41:29 AM
never worry about the size of the file, but it may very well be a corrupted one... ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 25, 2008, 03:29:13 AM
2 audiophiles talking. 1st one says, "Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he died of a sudden illness." 2nd audiophile says, "That's so sad, what did he have?" 1st audiophile replies, " Krell, Thiel, Theta, and Nordost."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on February 26, 2008, 09:24:00 AM
2 audiophiles talking. 1st one says, "Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he died of a sudden illness." 2nd audiophile says, "That's so sad, what did he have?" 1st audiophile replies, " Krell, Thiel, Theta, and Nordost."

Good one!!!! :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 29, 2008, 04:54:04 AM
Something Edward Marsh wrote, that I hope is not too well-known:

Dialog between an M.O. and a recruit:

MO:  How are your bowels working?
R  :  Havn't been issued with any, sir
MO:  I mean, are you constipated?
R  :  No, sir; I volunteered.
MO:  Heavens man, don't you know the King's English?
R  :  No, sir - is he?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on February 29, 2008, 02:00:58 PM
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on February 29, 2008, 02:10:13 PM
The most popular for the ladies is the one carrying 2 cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts…
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on February 29, 2008, 02:30:43 PM
The most popular for the ladies is the one carrying 2 cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts…

That would be the sighted guy in the blind nudist colony.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 29, 2008, 02:37:52 PM
That would be the sighted guy in the blind nudist colony.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on February 29, 2008, 02:50:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on February 29, 2008, 05:58:00 PM
Of course there's always the one about the dwarf (aka "height-challenged male individual") who was thrown out of the nudist colony...

... for poking his nose into other peoples' business...

 ::)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on March 02, 2008, 08:21:12 PM
Groucho Marx (of Marx brothers fame) once said: I never forget a face - but I will make an exception in your case.

For encore: I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Hennie on March 03, 2008, 11:49:51 AM
ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: Now how does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 03, 2008, 11:56:11 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on March 03, 2008, 07:45:04 PM


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

  A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
please check. Are my testicles black?"

 
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles in the other.

 
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!"

   
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

 
 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on March 03, 2008, 08:14:08 PM
why do women fake orgasms ???




they think we care...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 03, 2008, 10:25:31 PM
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as
a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99.

The guy obeys and says 99. The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say
99.' Again, the guy says 99. The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want
you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on
to your wee-wee.

Now take a deep breath and say 99. The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three ...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 03, 2008, 10:32:24 PM
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 04, 2008, 03:18:50 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 04, 2008, 04:27:51 PM
Heard some comediant on the radio yesterday.

He said. "I went to watch Mr Bones at Nu Metro yesterday, and I was wondering: If Leon Schuster can make a funny movie...........

Why doesn't he?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on March 04, 2008, 07:03:42 PM
What will always be, for me, the ultimate in movie crits was this one from way back when:

"The movie 'The Three Van Der Merwes' is showing at the Broadway Cinema -  WHY?"

Ed Herbst (Cape Times - 1970s)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 05, 2008, 08:57:42 AM
LMAO! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 05, 2008, 11:11:58 AM
What will always be, for me, the ultimate in movie crits was this one from way back when:

"The movie 'The Three Van Der Merwes' is showing at the Broadway Cinema -  WHY?"

Ed Herbst (Cape Times - 1970s)


good one.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on March 06, 2008, 07:04:22 AM
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am ?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on March 07, 2008, 02:59:45 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 12, 2008, 08:14:31 AM
Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."

The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says " I feel sorry for him." The white man replies, "I'm not, he packs his own lunch."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 13, 2008, 02:09:03 PM
At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that's not right."
The audience called out, "Give her another chance."
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on March 14, 2008, 12:46:19 PM
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as  Rangers  fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on March 14, 2008, 01:36:08 PM
WHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 14, 2008, 02:48:25 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on March 14, 2008, 07:12:46 PM
There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 15, 2008, 12:22:24 PM
 ;D

Alternatively he could just....take a shower ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 17, 2008, 08:49:51 AM
;D

Alternatively he could just....take a shower ;)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on March 18, 2008, 08:09:24 AM
Son to father: Dad !!....What's a C*&t ??

Father to son: What the hell ??!!! Shut your bloody mouth

Son to father: DAD !!!!! What's a C*nt ???!!!!!!!!

Father to son: I'm about to give you a stiff klap if you carry on with that language. Come with me


Father takes the son upstairs where his mother was having an afternoon nap, he pulls the duvet back and says....


"You see that little black triangle there ?..............."


Son:  "Yes"


Father: "That's a fanny,..................your mother's a C**t !!!!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on March 18, 2008, 09:49:27 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 18, 2008, 01:01:22 PM
Ek hoor nou die dag die woord 'poeselig' beteken blykbaar: "die sagte skynsel wat die lig maak teen skemer"





Voorheen het ek gedog dis 'n inbreker se flits......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 18, 2008, 01:12:37 PM
The video on the youtube link is quite funny (to me anyway), so I decided to post it under the jokes thread.

We had a CANSA Relay for Life function this weekend, and my company had a team entered. They however decided to cancel participation because of the weather. Wtf..... I'm not the toughest man around, but I still participated, even while suffering from tonselitis. (all you have to do is walk around the track, no running or real effort, and I mean, it is for a really good cause)

On Monday I asked them why....only to be told it was wet. So I sent them this youtube link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y

Party van hulle is nou REGTIG die bliksem in vir my.

Wel, they should just HTFU!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on March 19, 2008, 07:41:53 AM
Reminds me of this joke:

Die vrou se man werk nagdiens en haar 'boyfriend' is die nag saam met haar in die bed. Buite reën dit dat dit vrek. Vroeg die oggend hoor hulle haar man kom vroeër as verwag terug. Die 'boyfriend' skrik hom dood en spring sommer kaalgat deur die venster - en buite reën dit nog steeds.
Hy land op die sypaadjie tussen 'n klomp manne wat vroegoggend draf.
Hy hou kop en draf sommer saam. Later vra die een ou 'Draf jy altyd so kaal?' Sê hy
'Ja dis gesond en goed vir die liggaam'. Later vra die ou weer 'Draf jy altyd met 'n kondoom?' 'Nee' sê hy 'net as dit reën'.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 19, 2008, 09:21:55 AM
 ;D

ROFL...

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on March 19, 2008, 03:50:21 PM
Voorheen het ek gedog dis 'n inbreker se flits......

Ek was onder die indruk dit is 'n verkeersbeampte se lig
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 19, 2008, 05:53:40 PM
Ek was onder die indruk dit is 'n verkeersbeampte se lig

Ja, maar hy is ook 'n inbreker, neem nog steeds my geld.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on March 30, 2008, 12:57:29 PM
Three Eskom-guys were working on a powerline tower - Steve, Bruce and Jan. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jan says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jan?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jan replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jan says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Lager you are.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on March 30, 2008, 02:59:29 PM
What do you call a dog with no hind legs but balls of steel ?







Sparky!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on March 31, 2008, 02:32:24 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 31, 2008, 03:17:07 PM
A maid in a Sandton home wanted an increase. The Madam was very upset about
this and asked: "Now Princess, why do you want an increase?"

Princess: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase, the
first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Princess: "The master said so."

Madam: "oh."

Princess: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Princess: "the master did."

Madam: "oh."

Princess: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "did the master say so as well?"

Princess: "no madam, the gardener did."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on March 31, 2008, 04:00:40 PM

Princess: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "did the master say so as well?"

Princess: "no madam, the gardener did."


EINAAAAAAA!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on April 07, 2008, 08:53:54 AM
A farmer was in a motor accident. In court, the courier company was represented by their hot-shot lawyer who was busy questioning the farmer on the stand. Did you, asked the lawyer, at the scene of the accident, say “I am alright”?

The farmer answered, “Let me tell you what happened – I had just loaded my favourite cow Daisy onto the trailer and…..”

The lawyer cut him off mid sentence and said “I’m not asking you for details, just answer the question – at the scene of the accident did you say that you were alright – Yes or no?”

“Well” said the farmer, “I had just loaded Daisy onto the trailer and was barely on the road…”

Again the lawyer interrupted him and addressed the judge: “Your honour, I am trying to ascertain the fact that this man, at the scene of the accident, informed the traffic officer that he was alright, and that he is now trying to sue my client on the basis that he was injured. I believe that he is being a hostile witness. Please instruct him to answer the question”

By this time the judge was rather interested in the farmer’s story and said to the lawyer, “I would really like to hear his explanation regarding the cow.”

The farmer thanked the judge and proceeded with his explanation – “Well, as I said, I had just loaded Daisy onto the trailer and was barely on the road when suddenly a huge truck came from one side, skipped a traffic light and smashed into my pickup and the trailer. I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road and Daisy was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. I was sore, VERY sore, and did not want to move. Anyway, while lying there, I heard Daisy crying and I knew that she was in worse pain than I was just by the sound of her cries. Just after the accident a traffic office arrived at the scene and he also heard Daisy’s cries of pain. Once he had seen her condition he drew his firearm and shot Daisy between the eyes. The officer then approached my side of the road with his firearm still in his hand and asked “How do you feel?” -Now tell me judge, what the HELL would you have told him?”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on April 07, 2008, 09:27:03 AM
THAT was funny!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 11, 2008, 07:53:36 AM
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says,

"I think...."--*poof*--
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 11, 2008, 07:55:10 AM
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 11, 2008, 07:58:47 AM
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working
on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my
sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the
constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our
sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone
shall have the right to bare arms?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on April 11, 2008, 11:36:09 AM
The Weakest Link

In response to the popularity of The Weakest Link, Kyknet will be launching an Afrikaans version. After many months of creative brainstorming, they have managed to come up with a catchy version of: 'You are the weakest link - goodbye.'
The producers have settled on what will surely become a popular phrase, applicable to many other situations too .........
'Jy's dof - fokof!''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on April 11, 2008, 12:29:00 PM
The Weakest Link

In response to the popularity of The Weakest Link, Kyknet will be launching an Afrikaans version. After many months of creative brainstorming, they have managed to come up with a catchy version of: 'You are the weakest link - goodbye.'
The producers have settled on what will surely become a popular phrase, applicable to many other situations too .........
'Jy's dof - fokof!''


Bwahahahahahaha...

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on April 14, 2008, 12:36:48 PM
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake)

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' (Stayfree pads) in the bathroom.. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst   into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response  sent  the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AV on April 14, 2008, 01:38:29 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on April 14, 2008, 01:40:51 PM
That was very funny Norval! True story?! ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on April 14, 2008, 01:45:20 PM
That was very funny Norval! True story?! ;)

No  :o :-[ Just got it on e-mail this morning  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on April 15, 2008, 12:23:01 PM
You probably thought that there were only two forms of electricity:

 *         DC - direct current
 *         AC- alternating current


 Well, in South Africa, we have a third form:

 *         ANC - absolutely no current
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on April 15, 2008, 02:06:21 PM
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.

The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there  looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his
face, which is red  from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl  and got slapped."

The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me
instead."

The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but  kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I  could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on April 15, 2008, 02:10:27 PM
WHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 16, 2008, 09:17:10 AM
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 16, 2008, 09:18:10 AM
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on April 17, 2008, 09:10:57 AM
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head
 with a frying pan.
 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the
 piece of paper with the name Jennifer on it that I found in your pants
 pocket'.

 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jennifer was the
 Name of the horse I bet on'.The wife apologized and went on with the
 housework.

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
 The head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.


 'Your horse phoned'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on April 17, 2008, 01:12:55 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on April 17, 2008, 01:27:11 PM
Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,





'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on April 17, 2008, 07:32:15 PM
The old couple is sitting on the stoep on their rocking chairs - rocking...
After about half an hour the tannie takes her cane and whacks the omie with everything she's got - just below the knees.
The tears well up in his eyes and after about five minutes he manages to compose himself and asks his wife with a quiver in his voice, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "It is for fifty years of bad sex!"
They sit in silence for another 15 minutes when the omie takes his cane and returns the favor across the tannie's legs.
After managing to compose herself she asks him tearfully, "And what was that for?"
He replies, "That was for knowing the difference!"


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on April 23, 2008, 03:04:51 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old,
have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 24, 2008, 08:01:59 AM
A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.

After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.

"But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla." he tells the now drunk customer.

He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.

As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."

Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.

At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.

With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.

The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.

"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.

Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.

As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.

Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.


"Tag, you're It." it said.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: oradba69 on April 24, 2008, 10:42:44 AM
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost port ion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,
'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
'I found the remote,' he mumbled.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 24, 2008, 10:56:32 AM
Did you know the British weather has converted to being Muslim??

It is partly Sunni but mostly is Shiite.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on April 24, 2008, 10:53:16 PM
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening .....

Oradba,

You youngsters should not be allowed to post things like that. Only us old folks need remotes for that sort of thing .....  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on April 25, 2008, 07:34:20 AM
Oradba,

You youngsters should not be allowed to post things like that. Only us old folks need remotes for that sort of thing .....  ;D

Speak for yourself, old man!!!  (Us College House alumni were - and are - made of much sterner stuff...)

 ;D ;D

 8) 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on April 26, 2008, 12:55:52 AM
Speak for yourself, old man!!!  (Us College House alumni were - and are - made of much sterner stuff...)

 ;D ;D

 8) 8)

Yah - your remotes had NaaiCads in...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on April 26, 2008, 01:15:00 AM
THE-E-EN ...there was this blonde

OK, see if you are right this time.

She boarded an aircraft on a long flight, and Dago landed in the seat beside her, gleam lighting up his eye.

"Lets play a game! We ask each other questions, and the one who can't ansmwer, gives the other $5".
But she decined as she was rather tired and wanted to rest.

"OK" persisted the guy, "You give me $5, and I will give you $500 if I cannot answer." See, all blondes are rather ...., so that's why.

OK, she gave in; he wanted to know how far is the moon from the earth at its farthest .... and she gave him $5.

"Your turn" he said. She asks: "What has 4 legs when it goes up-hill, and 5 when it comes down again?"

Dago looks puzzled (what dumb question is that), pulled out his laptop, plugs it into his cell-phone and starts dialling. (OK, I think cell-phones are not supposed to be used on aircraft, so let's make it on a bus.)

He consulted with all the libraries on the planet, etc. - but failed to come up with a solution. After a half-hour (madam caught a nap meanwhile) he gave up, told her he was stumped, and handed her $500.

She graciously thanked him. "So, what is the answer? he asked.

She gave him $5.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on April 26, 2008, 06:00:49 PM
Gatskop,

Ek wil jou gat skop ;D ;D

Amper het ek my LCD ge-smudge om daai vlieg af te kry...  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on April 26, 2008, 11:32:16 PM
Toemaar - my ook gevang vir enkele sekondes! Ons het juis muggies hier. En hy moet oppas; ek is naby hom!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 27, 2008, 09:02:52 AM
Gatskop,

Ek wil jou gat skop ;D ;D

Amper het ek my LCD ge-smudge om daai vlieg af te kry...  :D :D
:D :D :D
Dis nie 'n vlieg nie, dis 'n miertjie. 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on April 27, 2008, 01:05:13 PM
LOL @ the miertjie, We have a bunch here and it caught me as well. Think I need to try & use that on my wife.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on April 27, 2008, 02:16:25 PM
....O-O-O-Kay.... I'm back with a new monitor. Gatskop, where can I send the bill?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on April 30, 2008, 07:16:04 AM
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going
to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You'd
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: oradba69 on May 02, 2008, 07:44:20 PM
Oradba,

You youngsters should not be allowed to post things like that. Only us old folks need remotes for that sort of thing .....  ;D
HeHe been married 22 years, but thanks for thinking I am still young  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on May 07, 2008, 09:42:00 AM
Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped
box.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what
she wanted for her birthday."

"And???" Bill asked.

"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in
it'."

"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on May 08, 2008, 03:04:05 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on May 13, 2008, 10:51:18 AM
Just came across this at DIYAudio. F@*$ing hilarious!

http://www.diyaudio.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=1507968#post1507968 (http://www.diyaudio.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=1507968#post1507968)

"Topic: My wife is cheating on me.
PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:11 am by jupiter8

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my
wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp.

That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening.
I said "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with".
He agreed.

Saturday night came and I slipped behind my vintage Marshall JMP MKII 50W half stack to get a good view.
I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp.

It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3.

Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?

Thanks
Very Concerned"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on May 13, 2008, 04:56:38 PM
Beautiful!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on May 13, 2008, 08:22:52 PM
Excellent!

(http://www.audiokarma.org/forums/images/smilies/icon_jump.gif)

The answer, of course, is to simply replace the tube with another one of the same type! Obtainable from Schalk :)


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on May 20, 2008, 02:26:44 PM
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I
can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss,
only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life
sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts
don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives !!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on May 28, 2008, 09:44:56 PM
N-O-W, You Know Why !!!!!

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new Car !!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on June 04, 2008, 01:36:41 AM
A-a-a-nd then there was the time that some Mensans (Mensa = high IQ society) went to a restaurant for dinner.

Looking at the salt and pepper cellars they noticed that the salt was in the pepper cellar and vice versa. They immediately set forth to work out what the fewest operations/extra utensils would be that were needed to remedy the situation.

A nearby waittress (blond, naturally) came up and asked what the problem was, and was duly informed.

"Oh sorry" she said .... and proceeded to unscrew and reverse the caps!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on June 04, 2008, 07:06:44 AM
This comes from a Y2K consultant's progress report:

"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:


Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.


I trust that this is satisfactory.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on June 04, 2008, 09:39:20 AM
Don't know if you guys heard the toilet humour this morning on 94.7 (The fly jokes). Here goes anyway.

1) Two flies enter a restaurant and sits down. The waiter asks to place an order. The first fly ask for a turd, the second one asks for a turd with garlic on (in?  ::)) it. The second fly then turns to the first and asks, "why don't you want garlic on (in) your turd?" the first one replies, "cause it makes my breath stink"

2) Two flies are sitting on a turd having lunch. The one lets one rip" prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppttt". The other fly looks up and asks "Hey do you mind, I'm eating!!"

3) This beautiful female fly is sitting on some cow ****, a male fly spots her as he flies by, turns around, sits and asks her "Hey baby, is this stool taken?"

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 04, 2008, 03:26:33 PM
After 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn't in some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, then caressed her
shoulders and began moving down past the small of her back.
Slowly he worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Proceeding up her inner thigh,
he stopped at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.
Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was
wonderful. Why did you stop?'







"I found the remote."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on June 05, 2008, 08:57:39 AM
This comes from a Y2K consultant's progress report:

This reminds me of a conversation during 1999 ;) Mr Raymond Ackerman went on a tour of our IT facilities accompanied by our then IT Director. When they bumped into me in the passage, mr Ackerman asked me if we are on top of the Y2K issues and I answered him along similiar lines by telling him that we are in the process of changing all the Y's to K's. My IT director almost fainted ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 05, 2008, 11:23:09 AM
This reminds me of a conversation during 1999 ;) Mr Raymond Ackerman went on a tour of our IT facilities accompanied by our then IT Director. When they bumped into me in the passage, mr Ackerman asked me if we are on top of the Y2K issues and I answered him along similiar lines by telling him that we are in the process of changing all the Y's to K's. My IT director almost fainted ;D

Heh heh, If Sean Summers was with Raymond then you are a brave man indeed  ;D ;D I still have nightmares LOOOL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on June 05, 2008, 11:34:16 AM
Heh heh, If Sean Summers was with Raymond then you are a brave man indeed  ;D ;D I still have nightmares LOOOL

Never had problems with him ;D He always needed my assistance, but I know what you mean ::)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on June 06, 2008, 02:27:46 AM
Yes,

This one will be old hat by now, but it was the first of similar incidences that came out of the computerised era.

A draft for a circular contained the words "to all customers", when it should actually have read "by all customers". The secretary duly effected the change as she was taught .... resulting in "by all cusbymers".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on June 06, 2008, 02:37:58 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 07, 2008, 07:35:05 AM
Never had problems with him ;D He always needed my assistance, but I know what you mean ::)

heh heh you are lucky enough to work out of store
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on June 10, 2008, 02:42:46 AM
A-a-a-a-nd then there were these two hill-billies.

The Congressman was coming to Arkansas for a change to address the hilly population, and brothers Ben and Ron decided it was time they clue up a bit on the state-of-the-nation.

Some 40 minutes into the meeting Ben, who was a bit on the deaf side, asked: "Ron, what's he talkin' about?"

Replied Ron: "No Ben, he aint said yet".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on June 13, 2008, 07:54:38 PM
A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his wee-wee,
something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on June 15, 2008, 01:45:23 AM
Now from all that fornication to a place where it would occur rather less often - a monastry.

The three brothers werwe costantly fighting over everything, so Dad got fed up and sent them to a monastry of the Order of Silince. There nobody is ever allowed to speak to anybody, but out of family considerations, the Father Superior would allow one sentence/annum from one of then.

One morning when they sat down to breakfast, the younger brother remarked that he does not like this porridge in the morning. So they had to be quiet for a year, when the middle brother remarked that he could find absolutely nothing wrong with the porriodge.

Another year passed.Then the eldest brother said: I am now getting sick and tired of this constant bickering about porrige in the morning!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on June 18, 2008, 03:20:13 PM
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on June 20, 2008, 10:48:49 AM
 Vrou se ma kom kuier.

Haar 3 jarige seuntjie sê:

Ek is so bly Ouma is hier want nou gaan pappa ons sy "tricks" wys.

Ouma:" Hoe so?"

Seuntjie: "Pappa het gesê as ouma kom kuier gaan   Hy teen die mure uit klim en in sy broek skyt!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on June 27, 2008, 09:55:10 AM
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled  LSD?"

Granny replies,"F" the pills, have you seen the dragons in the  kitchen?!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on June 27, 2008, 09:28:28 PM
Subject: 17,000 foot tube
 
(Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.)
 
Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of  the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point  passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
 
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough  to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
 
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint  of lemon.

 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of  humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may  result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as  far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't though of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full FireHose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Stay Well, Do Good, and Write Often,


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on June 28, 2008, 11:48:43 AM
How on God's earth does this guy know what 'goat spit' tastes like........ ???



 ;) :D

Thanks FD, enjoyed it!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 01, 2008, 08:12:39 AM
 
Frik and Koos worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the
unemployment office.

When they asked his occupation, Frik said: "PANTY STITCHER, I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties".

The clerk looked up PANTY STITCHER. Finding it to be unskilled labour, She
gave him R300 a week unemployment pay. Then Koos was asked his occupation.
"DIESEL FITTER" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a SKILLED job, the
Clerk gave Koos R600 a week unemployment pay.

When Frik found out he was furious. He stormed back to the unemployment
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting 'double' his
pay.

The clerk explained that a "PANTY STITCHER" was unskilled labour, where as
a "DIESEL FITTER" was skilled labour.

"WHAT SKILL??" yelled Frik, "I sew the elastic onto the panties and then
Koos puts them over his head and says: 'deeswill fit her, and sews on
SMALL, MEDIUM or LARGE!!!!!!"
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on July 11, 2008, 04:06:10 PM
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter
Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on
Earth?'

The fellow says, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected
President of the United States '

St. Peter says, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When
did this happen?'

And Obama says, 'About twenty minutes ago.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on July 13, 2008, 08:08:53 PM
Important things for men to remember for a Healthy Marraige

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are
over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout
at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again
is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get
home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual
for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it
is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take
them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and
then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and
several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy
me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to
make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use
a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence
that he accidentally sat on it.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on July 13, 2008, 11:32:32 PM
Hey, Gatskop ;D

Ya made my day. Sad about the Stanley screwdriver tho', innit?

I called mrs mafioso an electro-mechanical monster, yesterday. If it can be burned-out, tripped or fused, my missus is your gal. Weekend score: The Lavamat shook itself to pieces, p#ssed foam all over the laundry floor after taking an overdose of Omo and the dishwasher is currently with Claremont Home Appliances after an overdose of peas and soup bones. A thousand bucks will sort that one out >:(

She told me a long time ago, she likes ironing. She also likes dropping irons. This morning's drop conked-out my computer. I had to take the covers off, wikkeled all the connectors and whacked it a bit around with my Stanley screwdriver's handle and mercifully got it working again.

I am a survivor of 3 major kitchen fires. I like chips, see? So she puts the oil in the pot, the switch on "9" and goes off to phone her pal Diana the Poison Dwarf.

Married life ain't no joke :o

mafioso

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on July 21, 2008, 06:12:12 PM
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners,
asked her students the following question:  'Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?'   

Michael said:  'Just a minute I
have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude
and impolite.

What about you,Sherman, how would you say it?' 
Shermansaid 'I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at
the dinner table. And you, little Eric, can you use your brain for
once
and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on July 23, 2008, 08:24:45 AM
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote a note. 'I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree
in the park at 7AM.'

Signed,
'The Blonde.'

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag
with the cash was the following note.

'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on July 25, 2008, 08:37:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on August 01, 2008, 02:31:05 PM
(http://www.watkykjy.co.za/uploaded_images/album-736878.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on August 04, 2008, 11:51:56 AM
For the other petrolhead Clarkson/Topgear fans on the forum: 8)

Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson, writer and presenter of Top Gear


 "I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not
 driving It is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and
 sleeping on the couch."

 "...... The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in
 the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

 Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"

 On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it
 begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

 "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
 Ethiopian transvestite"

 "The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
 the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

 "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
 Comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

 "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
 Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've
 got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

 "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
 places quicker than I do?"

 Clarkson's Highway Code on the subject of cyclists: "Trespassers in
 the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no
 right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast
 enough to not be an obstruction.  Run them down to prove them wrong."

 "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deeme unsafe... probably
 Because they don't have wheel-chair access."
 On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr
 Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
 Prostitutes which way her parents voted?"

 "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
 affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
 cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

 On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air
 Force crashing into a firework factory."

 "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel.  But that's like being
 well-behaved...for a murderer."

 "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's
 duty To be on my plate at supper time."

 "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
 stitching... on their face."

 "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if
 you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do,
 and it helps."

 "You cannot have this car with a diesel - apparently... Its like
 saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give
 me a lapdance,she's a woman!"

 "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
 car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of
 a President."

 On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
 Gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
 gingivitis."

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 04, 2008, 12:27:33 PM
Hehe! I love the sh1t Jeremy comes up with. I like the airconditioning one, hehe!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on August 04, 2008, 01:30:34 PM
That reminds me of my first real job. I was writing a technical manual, and decided it might be fun to write it in the humorous fashion that the British writers in Electronics Today International did (a.k.a. ETI, a now defunct electronics hobbyist magazine). Needless to say, the boss was not impressed with me, and I had a hard time threafter trying to prove that I'm not a joker!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on August 04, 2008, 08:18:43 PM
Riaan,

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

(....but the bony Keira Knightly?? Yech!  What does he like in his cars - the tie-rods?)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on August 04, 2008, 10:17:00 PM
....but the bony Keira Knightly??

quite unlike the lady I saw in Sunday night's movie "The Owl and The Pussycat". The ugly/beautiful Ms Barbara Streisand was looking most comely  :-*.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on August 05, 2008, 09:09:25 AM

(....but the bony Keira Knightly?? Yech!  What does he like in his cars - the tie-rods?)

She aint bad.....but there is better out there I agree.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on August 10, 2008, 12:29:17 PM
She aint bad.....but there is better out there I agree.


Here's sumthin a bit meatier  ;D ;D ;D

(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/omg.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on August 10, 2008, 01:07:40 PM

Here's sumthin a bit meatier  ;D ;D ;D

(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/omg.jpg)

You, sir, are one very:

(http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/3687/sickpuppygs1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)

:SICK PUPPY!!!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on August 10, 2008, 02:49:57 PM
I agree  ;D ;D ;D , and jus for good measure............

(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/omg2.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on August 10, 2008, 03:46:28 PM
I believe there is another thread for member's pics... :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on August 10, 2008, 04:46:25 PM
I believe there is another thread for member's pics... :o

It's not the member that's on view - just the A:B test(e)s...

PS: That was serious gross-out time and deserves another:

(http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/3687/sickpuppygs1.jpg)

Hoo-errrrr!!! - splash!
 ::) ::)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cleansound on August 14, 2008, 11:14:17 AM
Here is a video I found very amusing.
I am sure some of you would have seen it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 14, 2008, 12:25:37 PM
That's funny! I've got the whole DVD with the rest of the show. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cleansound on August 14, 2008, 12:30:34 PM
Where,where,where, I want............................. :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 14, 2008, 01:59:59 PM
I copied it from someone who had a copy :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 15, 2008, 12:38:35 PM
Jeeesh, this thing must be heavy on ammo

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 15, 2008, 05:49:02 PM
Hi

Some newspaper headlines from today's Cape Argus newspaper (Skelm's column).

"One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers"
"Police: Crack found in man's buttocks"
"Rangers get whiff of colon"
"Great tits cope well with warming"
"Rosie weds longtime girlfriend, slams Bush"
"Federal agents raid gunshop, find weapons"
"Condom truck tips, spills load"

mafioso

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on August 18, 2008, 07:46:43 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water.

He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on August 18, 2008, 10:18:06 AM
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband - "I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker".

He says - "That's alright dear, your past is your past, but I must admit I find it very erotic, tell me more."

The bride says "Well, my name was Koos and I played for Western Province.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on August 18, 2008, 10:22:23 AM
 :o Nee sies Shaun

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 22, 2008, 10:10:03 PM
So, did ya have a good day?

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on August 23, 2008, 06:41:50 AM
Beijing 2008 - SA Got Gold

News just out ...

South African took three gold medals this morning ...

... Security caught him at the gate
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on August 23, 2008, 06:43:06 AM
Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more
downtown location...so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in
the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you like a
hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr...no, it's okay!"

A few minutes later, another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey
guy...would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr...no, it's okay!"

After the hooker left, the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better
go back to where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and I've
been offered two jobs already!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on August 26, 2008, 04:09:49 PM
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.

SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on August 27, 2008, 06:24:08 PM
Rugby is soos Wildtuin toe gaan. Jy eet lekker biltong, drink bier en kyk hoe die bokke k@k!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on September 03, 2008, 11:48:59 PM
Errr...what follows below may offend sensitive readers ;)


Guts or balls? There is a difference.

Guts = Arriving home late after a night out on the tiles, being met by your wife with a broom in her hands and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls = Is coming home late after a night out pub crawling, smelling of cheap perfume and beer and lipstick on your shirt. Pinching the missus on the bum and having the balls to say "You're next, fatty".

This should clear up any confusion between the two issues.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both will result in death.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on September 04, 2008, 07:48:13 AM
I bought my wife a new bike!
(http://www.picturejokes.net/pictures/hoover_bike1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 04, 2008, 07:53:26 AM
She must be making the other wifes jealous :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on September 04, 2008, 08:15:20 AM
After work one evening, this guy takes his secretary for a couple of drinks and then dinner.  Nature then takes it course and they wind up in a motel room indulging in horizontal aerobics. After a time - or a few times actually - they part and wend their ways homewards - at around 2am.

Just before getting home, the guy stops his car to consider his situation. After a while he opens the glove compartment, takes out a block of snooker cue chalk and rubs it all over the cuffs of his white shirt before replacing the cube and continuing on his way.

On arrival, he walks in and there's his wife standing in the hallway.

Her opening remark: "Do you know what time it is? Where the Hell have you been???"

He then proceeds to tell her that he and his secretary went out for drinks and a meal before screwing themselves stupid.

Her closing remark: "You bloody liar! You've been out playing snooker again, haven't you?"

(Disclaimer: Do not attempt this at home!!)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on September 05, 2008, 12:22:51 PM
Wishful Thinking.............. ;D ;D


(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/00034704.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on September 06, 2008, 09:29:12 AM
Sumthing for the distinguished members of the forum............

(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/00034705.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on September 07, 2008, 10:34:57 AM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:                                                 


     My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

     Marrying you screwed up my life.                       


     I see your face when I am dreaming.

     That's why I always wake up screaming.             


     Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;                     

     This describes everything you are not.                 


     Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,             

     But I only slept with you because I was pissed.       


     I thought that I could love no other --               

     that is until I met your brother.                     


     Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.           

     But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.                                   


     I want to feel your sweet embrace;                     

     But don't take that paper bag off your face.       


     I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......   

     Damn, I'm good at telling lies!                   


     My love, you take my breath away.                     

     What have you stepped in to smell this way?           


     My feelings for you no words can tell,             

     Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'                 


     What inspired this amorous rhyme?                     

     Two parts vodka, one part lime.     
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 07, 2008, 01:17:56 PM
OUCH !!!

(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/3581/nutcrackerxn9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on September 07, 2008, 03:40:46 PM
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick '.


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on September 08, 2008, 09:46:02 AM
 ;D ;D ROFL  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on September 11, 2008, 06:24:14 PM
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg.

The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on September 11, 2008, 08:31:15 PM
Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs...

Actually I was thinking of "Fingers Fowler". A boy (back then) from my high school class who was born with 6 digits per hand. The doctors had opted to remove his thumb, leaving him with what looks like a second index finger for a thumb. He had long thin fingers.

Lucky bugger...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: KenM on September 12, 2008, 01:45:03 PM
Wasn't there a popular song some years ago called Thumb Enchanted Evening?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AV on September 12, 2008, 02:36:00 PM
Gerhard, I've seen a newspaper heading today, "wee-wee size argument, 3 dead", I hope you didn't start that argument.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: KenM on September 12, 2008, 03:20:34 PM
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pietermaritzburg Metro officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Pietermaritzburg's officers Ball". He replied, "Pietermaritzburg officers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He quietly closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing so hard, she couldn't start her car..
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: KenM on September 12, 2008, 08:17:12 PM

  ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

  'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
  'Yes, Father, it is.'
  'And who was the girl you were with?'
  'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
  'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

  Was it Tina Minetti?'
   'I cannot say.'
  'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
  'I'll never tell.'
  'Was it Nina Capelli?'
   'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
  'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
  'My lips are sealed. '
  'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
  'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

  The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

  Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on September 12, 2008, 10:18:28 PM
Gerhard, I've seen a newspaper heading today, "wee-wee size argument, 3 dead", I hope you didn't start that argument.  ;D ;D ;D

@ AV
Tut, tut! It couldn't have been me. I do like any respectable man at the urinal - keep quiet and stare straight ahead into the wall ;). I wouldn't know how well endowed the guy next to me is.

@ Everyone
Fess up! How many of you were caught by that one?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on September 16, 2008, 07:31:23 AM
Q: How do you make 4 pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on September 17, 2008, 10:01:37 AM
STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

 A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to
him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive
one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
 nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp;
 light-speed processing ....and,' pausing to take another drink of
beer.

 The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said,
 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
 young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what
are you doing for the next generation?'

 The applause was resounding...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on September 17, 2008, 08:50:30 PM
I don't know if any of you have seen this before, but I've always enjoyed it....

10 Reasons Why Cape Town Can flip Off

1.  It exists. 
If it wasn't for Cape Town, Port Elizabeth would look a whole lot better.  Tourists would love us if they hadn't first had a dose of First-World sophistication before embarking on the Garden Route.  And anyway, if it's first-world sophistication they're looking for, why don't they just stay in Europe or Japan or wherever it is tourists come from? Cape Town better wake up.  This is Africa, not blimming Salzburg or something.  Cape Town, flip off.

2.  Capetonians are too hip. 
They're a bunch of namby-pamby poncey glamour queens who think they live in a magazine.  Prancing around in all their hip designer wear and looking all cool and unflustered like they're in a fashion spread when they could be wearing perfectly good five-year-old jeans and T-shirts.  What do they think this is? Marie-bloody-Claire something? Magazines are for wankers.  Cape Town, flip off.

3.  They've got a mountain. 
What is it with their precious mountain? If that was in PE we would have built condos all over its ass, and a freeway across the top of it.  For good measure we would put a Playland on Devil's Peak and a fuel depot on Lion's Head.  And ore dump on Chapman's Peak.  Exploit the bastard.  Instead the bunch of sanctimonious pricks treat it like it's some kind of national treasure, some gift from the Almighty.  Every time some poor fool tries to build a little time-share block on the mountain there's a hundred flippin' protesters chaining themselves to the trees screaming "save the mountain, hey. " It's not like they built the damn mountain themselves or anything.  So horse bollocks to them.   Cape Town, flip off.

4.  Their roads are too damn narrow. 
Ninety-five percent of the roads in Cape Town are too damn narrow for two cars to pass each other.  How do you figure a town of four million can have a road system built to sustain a seaside village of 16-odd and then try to host the Olympic Games? A case of the little boy whose eyes were bigger than his stomach, what? Maybe try host a traffic-jam-free December holiday and move on from there.  Baby steps, guys, baby steps.  Cape Town, flip off.

5.  Their sea is not usable. 
Eleven degrees? That's a geometry angle, not a flippin' ocean temperature.  What's the point of having beaches if the sea's too cold to go swimming in? More proof that the only reason people go on holiday to Cape Town is to get into traffic jams on the way to the beach and then to pose around with their cellphones on the sand, not to go for a ghoef.  Cape Town, flip off.

6.  They've got a Waterfront. 
The best thing Jo'burg ever did was build the Randburg waterfront.  A crap hodgepodge of pubs, stores and restaurants to be sure, but one which well and truly called the V&A's bluff, proving that Cape Town's Waterfront is nothing more than a shopping mall with some water near it.  It's just another consumer temple geared to getting you to buy garments with price tags at the child-buggery level of obscenity and to be served Labels by waiters more condescending than the whole of America and the ex-smoking community put together.   Cape Town, flip off.

7.  Everyone's off their tits from drugs. 
It's common knowledge that the only people in Cape Town who aren't alcoholics, smackies, E-freaks, charlie-junkies, goofballs, acid-heads or nexus-fiends are Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Tunisian high commissioner.  For this reason, everyone you speak to in Cape Town is mad, either because they're high, or because they spent the whole of the '90s eating pills, and now they've had to stop because they weigh 12kg and they can't even remember what high school they went to anymore.  Compare that to PE, that haven of temperance, propriety and good clean fun, and you begin to see all too clearly why Cape Town can flip right off.

8.  It's turning into another Hollywood. 
Every person you speak to from Cape Town is working on a movie set.  Either they're doing the catering or making props or being unit manager or merting zol to the film crew or being an extra in a French cellphone pad.  And getting paid 20 gorillas a month tax-free in Francs.  Why don't they just get it over with? Build a Spago at the Waterfront and a Betty Ford clinic in Rondebosch, and put up a 20-metre sign on the slopes of the mountain that says "Zollywood".   And while they're at it, they can just flip off.

9.   All the best international bands and DJs go and play in CapeTown
and none of them come to PE.  So if you wanna check U2 or Skunk Anansie or Tsuyoshi Suzuki you've gotta mission to Cape Town and deal with the skinny roads and the toxicpsychotics and poncey fashion-mag E-freaks and a mountain that makes it rain all the time.  Pricks.   flip them.

10.  It's the new Riviera.
Skaapies is so dirt-cheap for Euros and Americans that they've all bought property there.  But it's so incredibly dirt-cheap that you don't even have to be an A-league jet-setter to afford a farm-size house in Bishopscourt.  Consequently, all the prices skyrocket because of all the rich bastards around, and you can't even do any star-spotting because the rich bastards are only Belgian record executives or the Earl of Derbyshire crew that you've never heard of.  Waste of time, really, Cape Town.  Glad I don't live there.   flip Cape Town!

The above article appeared in the October issue of Skyf, the Port Elizabeth magazine edited by Hagen Engler (Cosmic). 
Reprinted in SA City Life, Nov 98.



 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on September 17, 2008, 09:00:59 PM
CAT

1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.   Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with peroxide.

10.   Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.   Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.   Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.   Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.   Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1.   Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on September 17, 2008, 09:16:41 PM
I recently received this attached to an e-mail from an old friend in the USA.  He is a recently retired ex-mathematics teacher and thoroughly disillusioned (as you can see...):

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s ...


Teaching Math - Through the years.....

TEACHING MATH IN 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

TEACHING MATH IN 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

TEACHING MATH IN 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

TEACHING MATH IN 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

TEACHING MATH IN 2000

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

TEACHING MATH IN 2008

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El costo de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?


 :o ::) :( ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on September 17, 2008, 09:53:07 PM
That F... CT one had me in stitches..... :D :D :D :D

However, I think PE can f...off too, with that permanent f..upped wind of theirs.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 18, 2008, 08:00:11 AM
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels Down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said: 'Turn around.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 18, 2008, 08:01:02 AM
That F... CT one had me in stitches..... :D :D :D :D

However, I think PE can f...off too, with that permanent f..upped wind of theirs.


What else can you expect from a Potchsonian ;D Its their Cultja ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 18, 2008, 09:57:53 AM
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.


The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"


The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on September 18, 2008, 10:10:16 AM
What else can you expect from a Potchsonian ;D Its their Cultja ;)

Been to Aardklop Abe?

Wees bang, ons donder die Kapstatters sommer so voor ontbyt.....

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Mr Venter, you will like it at Aardklop. Steve Hofmeyer is here......

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on September 18, 2008, 10:38:13 AM
... at Aardklop. Steve Hofmeyer is here......

Riaan. Best leave your wife and your horse at home....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 18, 2008, 11:18:35 AM
Mr Venter, you will like it at Aardklop. Steve Hofmeyer is here......

Yikes! Nee dankie :D Het al per email 'n uitval met hom gehad oor die kwaliteit van sy opnames ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on September 18, 2008, 11:56:17 AM
Riaan. Best leave your wife and your horse at home....

Eish.......Steve  ;D ;D ;D

We don't have cars in Potch, so the horse have to go. 'll put some barrier tape around the back....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cleansound on September 18, 2008, 02:05:18 PM
Eish.......Steve  ;D ;D ;D

We don't have cars in Potch, so the horse have to go. 'll put some barrier tape around the back....
Verrie, verrie konfushed in Potch.
They don't even know their Steve from their Shaun  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on September 18, 2008, 06:03:04 PM
Verrie, verrie konfushed in Potch.
They don't even know their Steve from their Shaun  :D :D :D :D :D

Julle souties have obviously never heard of 'Steve' Holneyer.....

'Shaun' said me horse would be in danger if 'Steve' Agter Elke Man Holneyer is around.

Very confused in Midrand. That's because you are neither in Joeburg or Pretoria. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on September 18, 2008, 08:21:57 PM
(http://www.allaboutbanjos.com/SnakeOilGirl.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cleansound on September 19, 2008, 09:07:21 AM
Steve Hofmeyer lives about 500 metres from me, sy vroutjie is mooi :o :-*
Being the director of EXXO he has a pomp in elke dorp.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: KenM on September 19, 2008, 01:22:30 PM
(http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/711_smiley_shooting_rifle.gif) (http://www.clipartof.com)
Don't say rude things about the place of my birth.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on October 03, 2008, 03:04:33 PM
(http://www.watkykjy.co.za/uploaded_images/reese_witherspoon-798480.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on October 05, 2008, 09:49:01 AM
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fem Audio Connoiseur on October 07, 2008, 02:58:57 PM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ... on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said ... "Clean my house." 

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 07, 2008, 03:08:50 PM
Hmmm! I think someone is looking for a guy to clean her house on the cheap ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on October 07, 2008, 03:15:05 PM
That was a cheesy joke, not unlike the following that my brother told me when I was much much younger (abridged version):

Cut to the scene where Giovanni is alone with the girl-with-the-bicycle in a secluded place.

"Giovanni," she says, "Take vot zhe vont." (don't ask me what accent this is).
Giovanni is nervous, hesitant. She draws closer.
"Giovanni(!!!) , take vot zhe vont!"

Giovanni take ze bike. Giovanni ride avay.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fem Audio Connoiseur on October 08, 2008, 10:36:38 AM
Hmmm! I think someone is looking for a guy to clean her house on the cheap ;D

That would be telling - wouldn't it Alphabet?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on October 10, 2008, 03:53:11 PM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/weekend.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on October 10, 2008, 07:14:59 PM
That is cruel!!   ;D


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on October 10, 2008, 07:32:26 PM
Did not see that one coming 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DevillEars on October 10, 2008, 11:20:20 PM
Did not see that one coming 8)

Neither did she....   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on October 21, 2008, 10:21:22 AM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/cid_BC6190BD-55B1-4A96-A34A-6759626.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on October 22, 2008, 11:14:34 AM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/ttmkaw.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on November 05, 2008, 07:43:08 PM
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.

Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen.

She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"

The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.

A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.

"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: RR on November 05, 2008, 09:51:08 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bates on November 14, 2008, 03:05:16 AM
I wasnt too sure where to put this - but finally thought this thread might be the most applicable...

http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm)

and my particular favourite that left me ROFL
http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm)



Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Andrew on November 14, 2008, 08:41:42 AM
I wasnt too sure where to put this - but finally thought this thread might be the most applicable...

http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm)

and my particular favourite that left me ROFL
http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm)





Does one have to use a special type of resonance-absorbing cellotape?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on November 14, 2008, 11:37:04 AM
I wasnt too sure where to put this - but finally thought this thread might be the most applicable...

http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm)

and my particular favourite that left me ROFL
http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina31.htm)





Why are these in the Joke for the day section?

Andrew I sell that resonance abosorbing tape. It is constructed using the same materials as listed here --> http://www.chimeralabs.com/chimera_labs_advantage_audio_cables.html

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on November 14, 2008, 04:22:52 PM
Fascinating Biology Facts ...

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's wee-wee is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are 20x stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as o ften as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumb.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on November 17, 2008, 03:20:32 PM
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on November 19, 2008, 01:39:35 PM
Something funny I read on IRC this morning:

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

I hope we've come far enough for all to laugh at this ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on November 19, 2008, 02:01:39 PM
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

I hope we've come far enough for all to laugh at this ;)

 ;D ;D Just shows what paradigm certain people are still stuck in... Priceless!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 19, 2008, 02:56:02 PM
That is so politically incorrect its CLASSIC  ;D ;D ;D Excellent
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: KenM on November 19, 2008, 05:48:48 PM
Muchos chuckles.

There's a billboard on Marlboro drive just off the N3 advertising a place called The Grand, which I assume is an hotel or something, the billboard states "We wanted to call it the G-Spot but were afraid you wouldn't find it"

I don't know what you guys think but I feel it's downright sexist. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 19, 2008, 05:58:46 PM
"We wanted to call it the G-Spot but were afraid you wouldn't find it"


It's not that  ;D Its just as soon they know you know how to find it, they expect your car keys too  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bates on November 20, 2008, 03:13:18 AM
Random Thoughts

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on November 20, 2008, 12:12:41 PM
Something funny I read on IRC this morning:

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

I hope we've come far enough for all to laugh at this ;)
Hehehe. Anybody who knows me will know I am not generaly prejudiced (except against fancy cables), but I had to chuckle at that. Would like to see the size of Norval's new speaks when he gets done with those.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on November 20, 2008, 12:45:16 PM
A friend of Van's asked him how new his job at the buchery was going.

Van: "ag, boet, I got fired"
Friend: "what happened?"
Van: "they caught me with my wee-wee in the biltong slicer"
Friend: "wow, are you okay?"
Van: "ja, I'm fine"
Friend: "and the biltong slicer?"
Van: "they fired her, too"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on November 20, 2008, 12:49:54 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on November 20, 2008, 06:08:10 PM
There's a billboard on Marlboro drive just off the N3 advertising a place called The Grand, which I assume is an hotel or something, the billboard states "We wanted to call it the G-Spot but were afraid you wouldn't find it"

The Grand is a strip club, I think the billboard is very clever.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on November 21, 2008, 07:27:29 AM
Hehehe. Anybody who knows me will know I am not generaly prejudiced (except against fancy cables), but I had to chuckle at that. Would like to see the size of Norval's new speaks when he gets done with those.

Big, heavy and I'll bolt it to the floor.  ;D But my LCD was fastenned to the wall  :-\
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ODUODU on November 24, 2008, 09:24:29 AM
Who did the Grand's marketing?

Clever

Ockie
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 05, 2008, 11:36:06 AM
I' sure we will all agree on this  ;) :D

(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/00035252.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 11, 2008, 03:58:01 PM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/evolution.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 15, 2008, 03:57:34 PM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/1_wwww.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 19, 2008, 03:16:39 PM
New Element Discovered : Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.



These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.



A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.



This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on December 22, 2008, 02:46:50 PM
(http://www.ipsnews.net/zimbabwe/pictures/zimbabwe_elections13.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 29, 2008, 12:43:45 PM
Why do men die first ???



This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know.. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race .... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the
housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any
time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing
bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead
of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its
equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual
harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ...
you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you
make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she
makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you
ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE
asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a
pervert.. If you don't ... you're gay.If you like a woman to shave her
legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're
unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you
don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after
something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of
your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're
not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a
headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ...
you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on December 30, 2008, 09:02:23 AM
love it!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on December 30, 2008, 04:32:17 PM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/00035247.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on December 31, 2008, 12:08:56 AM
<snigger>

From a certain perspective that may be true. I havnt seen the isiZulu version of windows yet, but Chinese and AMERICAN abound :)

What about us poor Engrish folk?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: gifs on January 09, 2009, 08:04:05 AM
(http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj161/vancollerd/lie_of_omission.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 09, 2009, 10:57:23 AM
BMW Driver

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers license to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on January 09, 2009, 11:39:32 AM
Amen, brother :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: uncle sam on January 12, 2009, 08:31:54 AM
Loved that one Sonus!!!! Nothing like a little truth  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 12, 2009, 09:43:19 AM
I won't say that all BMW drivers do that, but it is hard to find one who does not, I will keep on looking though ;D ;D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Apocalypse Boy on January 14, 2009, 10:44:50 AM
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is  a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!" 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 14, 2009, 11:03:21 AM
LOL! This one always cracks me up!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 14, 2009, 01:08:43 PM
Hehe - If only I had the balls as big as that.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on January 15, 2009, 12:05:38 PM
 ;D

Old one, but still good!!

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 15, 2009, 02:14:08 PM
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!!!

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news: " I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
 
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
 
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
 
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"! I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on January 15, 2009, 02:30:41 PM
 ;D
Bwhahahahahahaahahaha...

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Apocalypse Boy on January 15, 2009, 08:30:06 PM
Bwahahahaha!!! EISH!! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on January 16, 2009, 01:33:50 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 16, 2009, 10:27:12 AM
A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man.

One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even a blind man could see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."

"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 17, 2009, 09:14:24 AM
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?” The girl haughtily says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with a guy like of you.” The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 17, 2009, 04:01:09 PM
(http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd344/sonusjunkie/Horny.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on January 18, 2009, 08:33:31 AM
A fireman was working on the fire truck outside the station house when he noticed a little boy next door. The little boy had a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He wore a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman asked, "Hey little boy, what are you doing?"
"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" said the little boy.
The fireman walked over and took a closer look.
"Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said.
"Thanks, mister," said the little boy.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the little boy had tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Little boy, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
"You're probably right, mister," said the little boy, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on January 19, 2009, 11:05:32 AM
Some Math +Logic:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: zeabre on January 19, 2009, 05:17:25 PM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.  The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
 
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.
 
The following week they met up again to compare notes.  Sipping her
drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of
the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
 
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made
mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
 
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him iner
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
 
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took
a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped
into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and
six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
 
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled,
 
'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 20, 2009, 09:26:36 AM
I like..... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 23, 2009, 11:07:27 AM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
 
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on January 23, 2009, 11:13:02 AM
 ;D ;D ;D Skinny aka Dinbat?  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 23, 2009, 11:23:58 AM
;D ;D ;D Skinny aka Dinbat?  :D


On the nail ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 26, 2009, 02:13:46 PM
Two  Little  Boys

After  a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the  streets and alleys, a young mother watched her  two little boys playing in the puddle through  her kitchen  window.

The  older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed  his sibling by the back of his head and shoved  his face into the water  hole.

 As  the boy recovered and stood laughing and  dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a  panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little  brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy  in  anger……..

 'We  were just playing 'church' mummy, ' he  said.

 'And  I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the  Father, the Son and  in... the  hole-he-goes.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 26, 2009, 02:15:33 PM
Holy Soap
 
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.  They undress and   step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand,  and heads back to the showers.
 
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
 
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like  he's a statue.
 
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
 
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,  he drops a bar of soap.
 
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap  dispenser".
 
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.  Sure enough, he drops the second bar of  soap.
 
 
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens.   So she gives several more tugs, then  yells.
 
 
 "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on January 26, 2009, 03:04:43 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 26, 2009, 09:18:41 PM
That had me and Angela in histerics.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 27, 2009, 06:59:54 AM
That had me and Angela in histerics.


Always happy to provide entertainment ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 27, 2009, 06:04:07 PM
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 29, 2009, 01:45:22 PM
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Jacob?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on January 31, 2009, 04:46:34 PM
Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
 It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 03, 2009, 02:09:04 PM
Jannie 'n regte boer seun is opgewonde want hy vat vir Sherryl die engelse girl uit vir Pizza.
 
 Jannie staan die hele dag en oefen sy tenses en sinne "She is", "They are"  etc.
 
 Die aand tel Jannie vir Sherryl op en is heavy gestress.
 
 Hy trek daar weg en kom by 'n stop straat.
 
 Hy kyk links en soos hy will regs kyk vra hy vir Sherryl:
 
 "Are your kant clean?"
 

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on February 03, 2009, 02:52:44 PM
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on February 03, 2009, 04:05:05 PM
Hehe. Silly bunt!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on February 03, 2009, 04:11:44 PM
It makes me think about the name changes happening now in S.A. Apparently they have also decided to change all Afrikaans street names in Pta to English

Proes straat will become Crunt street
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on February 04, 2009, 10:35:49 AM
apologies to the Englies folks, but received this via email, and am too lazy to translate  ;D

Die seuntjie vloek verskriklik en sy ma is al radeloos. 
Ten einde laaste besluit sy sy gaan hom begin wetter wanneer en sodra hy weer vloek. 
Die volgende oggend aan ontbyttafel vra die ma die seuntjie wat hy vir ontbyt wil he.
"'n Bord van daai flipping lekker mieliepap 'seblief Ma," antwoord hy.
DWAAAA, klap sy ma hom teen die kop .
"Ek vra weer .........................wat jy vir ontbyt wil he mannetjie!!"
"Ek soek.......'n Bord van daai flipping lekker mieliepap 'seblief Ma," antwoord hy weer.
Hierdie keer pot sy hom met die vuis teen die skouer dat hy byna van die stoel af val.
"Ek vra wat jy vir ontbyt wil he", gil sy totaal buite beheer.
"Gee dan maar flipping Post Toasties, net 'n stupid moer sal weer vir mieliepap vra."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on February 04, 2009, 12:28:31 PM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…….’Bastards won’t let me fart..’
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 07, 2009, 04:23:44 PM
A nun gets into a cab, and notices that the very handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have
to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.




When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess.
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on February 07, 2009, 05:10:47 PM
Nice one  :D :D ;) Blues.........reminds of this one


A Couple in Bed...........................

-I love you...
-I love you too....
-I want you...
-I want you too....
-What is your name?
-John...
-F**K!... Me too!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 09, 2009, 11:23:43 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on February 09, 2009, 12:49:57 PM
Man sits in a bar, one evening, all depressed.
He notices a woman next to him, also looking miserable.
They start chatting and it turns out that they are both into kinky sex, but their partners are not.
They decide that his car would make an excellent venue to live out their fantasies.
They stop off at the local park; the woman gets into the back and starts undressing.
She hears the man unzipping himself and a few minutes later, zipping up again.
She says “Hey, I thought we were going to be kinky!”
He replied, “We did, I just shat in your handbag...”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on February 10, 2009, 12:56:23 PM
 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
 
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 10, 2009, 01:35:43 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on February 12, 2009, 09:47:22 PM
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on February 25, 2009, 10:35:25 AM
A guy on a date, parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies.

She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more.

Exhausted, the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?"

The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 25, 2009, 11:31:35 AM
Die Blou Bul eet nie van die vloer af nie, die Blou Bul lek nie cocaine van ‘n hoer af nie.

Die Blou Bul dra nie Polo-sokkies of gaatjies-onderbroeke nie, nou vra ek jou vir wie gaan ek steek...

Ek steek nie hoere nie, ek steek my vrou; ek steek nie strippers nie, ek bly getrou.

Ek steek nie ander vroue nie, ek dink dis lame; nou vra ek jou wie wil my frame?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on February 26, 2009, 08:04:54 PM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any
Jewish rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?'

 He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
**** but me.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on March 05, 2009, 10:06:51 AM
A guy on a date, parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies.

She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more.

Exhausted, the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?"

The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 05, 2009, 10:13:40 AM
dejavu
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: chipwelder on March 05, 2009, 10:50:36 AM
The Matrix is shifting...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 05, 2009, 11:39:02 AM
The Broken Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first; the truck, the car, playing golf - always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gatskop on March 09, 2009, 04:06:38 PM
LOFTUS GAAN NIE MEER LYNE OP DIE VELD HE NIE .... HULLE IS BANG DIE BLOU BULLE SNUIF DIT OP
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 09, 2009, 04:20:05 PM
Got a druggie problem up there?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on March 10, 2009, 02:28:00 AM
No - an IQ problem.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on March 16, 2009, 11:54:56 AM
Management on the Economy

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons wo have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons who are RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should yhou feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisors. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely
The Management
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on March 16, 2009, 04:47:20 PM
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, ' I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, ' I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Hein on March 16, 2009, 06:37:50 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!

Sounds just like my parents... Hope it's not hereditary... :)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: jandre on March 17, 2009, 09:56:00 AM
A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present ( approx 5,000 people ).
 
As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement.
 
Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system :
" My dear colleagues : With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building.  And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff.
We hope you have had a rewarding career with us.  Now please move back in… and good luck ! "
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on May 11, 2009, 02:17:20 PM
WHEN I SAY I AM BROKE...I AM BROKE!!



Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.



'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'



'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.



Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.



'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f***ing good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on May 11, 2009, 06:37:11 PM
Shaun,

I've got to repeat a post I made on a 4x4 forum, and it really all happened - no joke!

First, Friday evening's post:

---

This coming weekend, as well as next weekend, all of us in the Northern Suburbs of Klerkies will be without power from 06:00 Saturday until 18:00 Sunday (36 hours!!!).  :-\


I will be holding candles on the street corner as I sing the old Simon & Garfunkel hit song of the '60s.

Anyone else from Klerkies here? Mark, have you joined yet?

And that's not all, folks! Next weekend will be a repeat process, also for the whole 36 hours. The reason? All the Businesses that were kind enough to move within a couple of blocks of my home - for my convenience, natch!  :D - have outgrown the available electricity supply from the Doornkruin Sub Station, so the Moonicipality is upgrading the Transformers & Switch Gear.


Watch this space!  ::)  ;D


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on May 11, 2009, 06:39:30 PM
Part 2, posted a few minutes ago, Monday evening:

---

Update:

The power came on yesterday evening after 35.5 hours and the entire Northern suburbs of Klerkies had power again.......................................................... except for every third or so house in my street, including mine! No big sweat, thinks I, and I phone my buddies who did the actual work at the sub-station. They arrive with three bakkies and one truck with a man-lift to inspect the pole outside my house, and I am feeling relaxed - power will soon be mine!

................................................Not!


It appears that the mini-sub transformer round the corner had popped a phase upon switch-on, the yellow phase is kaput and my house is, naturally, wired to the yellow phase. Now, picture this: I had used up all the hot water with showering Saturday and Sunday, I had run the only Gennie I could get to start (Honda!  8)), I missed my movie last night 'cos I was standing round at the mini-sub holding thumbs that they would somehow magically fix the transformer. This did not happen.


This morning dawns cold, and there is no more hot water in the house. No ways do I plan on catching pneumonia by having a cold shower and in any case I also have no clean shirts to wear to work because the geyser "Vacuum Breaker" (whatever that is) valve packed up Friday and sprayed water into my cupboard in which all my shirts were neatly hanging, they were now soaked pap-nat! Hanging them outside to dry worked but they now had a gaga 'miff' smell to them.

And I still had not yet had my morning cup of coffee, so I take a day off work.

Which reminds me - I have a RO water filtration system installed and the purified water feed goes to a water dispenser that dishes out piping hot water or ice cold water at the turn of a tap or two. So this thing also goes on the blink, and pours water out all over my nice Oak kitchen cupboard and onto the kitchen floor, providing me with a very nasty surprise this morning as I walk into the dark kitchen directly into the Great Flood with my bare feet...


But Hey! It is now Monday afternoon, I spent most of the day with my two dogs (Rusty the JR & Tammy the Staffie) watching the guys install a new transformer into the mini-sub around the corner, watched them remove any possible water contamination from the transformer oil with a large mobile filtration system powered by an equally large diesel-powered AC Gennie set before the Great Switch-On, and finally all's well that ends well.

Power to the People!

A very relieved
-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 05, 2009, 09:31:45 PM
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 05, 2009, 09:32:33 PM
From Tommy Cooper:

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go for it.'

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen, it said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice-cream.' He said, 'Knickerbocker Glory?' I said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm. I said, 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

All from Tommy Cooper
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on June 05, 2009, 10:32:30 PM
The mouse family is sitting watching TV and a CAT walks in!!!
Everyone gets a huge fright except dad mouse who BARKS!

The CAT runs away!

Dad mouse says... 'You see... it is beneficial knowing a second langauge'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on July 03, 2009, 12:11:05 PM
This a a bit of an old one, but very good.

WARNING: not suitable to read if you're under 30 or over 50  :D


'n Brakpan ma neem haar 12-jarige dogter vir die eerste keer ginekoloog
toe.

Die dokter vra "Meisie, wat's fout?"

Sy sê "Oom, my p@#s is seer!"

Die ma klap haar uit haar stoel uit.

"Dis nie oom nie, dis Dokter!!"

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 03, 2009, 01:05:13 PM
He, he, he! Only in Brakpan (duck very low) ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Chris - CDI on July 15, 2009, 12:48:52 PM
A World Renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is browsing in a music store, when he spies an album titled "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow here. ""Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:


.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.



"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"


Now if thats not lame then I don't know what is...  8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: sonusjunkie on July 20, 2009, 03:40:25 PM
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'


The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 20, 2009, 09:20:34 PM
So enetjie vir die Gautengers ;D

Wat is 'n Komplot?

Dit is 'n hoerhuis, maar so 'n entjie buite die dorp ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 21, 2009, 08:32:25 AM
A Signwriter had to do some signage outside a house of ill repute, but unfortunaley he was a bit Dyslexic, so the sign eventually read:

Koes vir die Plante ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on July 21, 2009, 03:25:09 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on July 22, 2009, 12:56:43 AM
Aaaaargh!! Lecherous old man!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on July 22, 2009, 07:41:34 AM
Did you hear about the Blonde sniffing 'Canderel'? (Sweet-n-Low for non SA users)

She thought it was 'Diet-Coke'  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 22, 2009, 08:37:49 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on July 23, 2009, 04:54:19 PM
Die twee ou skool pelle, Piet en Koos, loop mekaar raak na twintig jaar.
"Hei ou Piet, jy lyk goed man. Wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen na skool?" vra Koos.
"Nee" sê Piet "ek het Tale gaan swot op Tukkies en het my Honneurs behaal.
Daar het ek toe ook my vrou ontmoet.

Sy skryf gedigte en prosa en het 'n Meestersgraad in Letterkunde.

Ons is baie aan kultuur gekoppel jy weet..
My seun is 'n konsertpianis in Amerika vir die Amerikaanse

Philharmoniese orkes en my dogter is die hoofballerina in London se balletgeselskap.
Julle moet een aand oorkom dan hou ons 'n kultuur-aand. Wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen Koos?"
"Nee" sê Koos "ek was mos al op skool al 'n bietjie bakleierig en het toe na skool maar 'n bokser geword.

Daar het ek ook my vrou ontmoet, die dogter van 'n promotor,

en in daai tyd kon vrouens mos nie boks nie toe begin sy met karate en sy het haar black belt gekry voor ons eerste kind.

Ons seun het onlangs sy nasionale kleure gekry in stoei en my dogter verteenwoordig ons land in Judo.

Julle moet een aand oorkom dan moer ons julle." 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on July 23, 2009, 05:45:18 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 23, 2009, 08:13:01 PM
Klink soos Jimmy Abbott se familie ;D

He actually bought my house when I moved back to CT and proceeded to destroy it. First sat the toilet in its..... Then a car ran into the swimming pool with a child behind the wheel and then he claimed in Huisgenoot that the house was cursed ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Schalk on July 25, 2009, 09:04:02 AM
and then he claimed in Huisgenoot that the house was cursed ;D

Maybe that's why you relocated to CT too?  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Schalk on July 25, 2009, 09:12:43 AM
(http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk266/valveaudio/Audiorepairs.jpg)

This easily could have been me before I started VA, now I'm even worse...   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Only difference is, now I only have to cover for my own stuff  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on July 26, 2009, 06:53:10 PM
BA-WAWAWAHAHAWAWAWA!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Schalk on July 27, 2009, 06:08:27 PM
WHAAAAATTT??? ??? ???

Am I the laughing stock now  ???  ;D ;D ;D At last! ALL my efforts have been VINDICATED  ;D ;D
I can now die a FREE man  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on July 29, 2009, 06:07:06 PM
This one is for @GERT
(http://www.marklev.com/humor/sensible84.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 29, 2009, 06:50:09 PM
Excellent ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on July 29, 2009, 08:13:02 PM
Gert:  Mmmmm....

Too late for Alphabet
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on July 29, 2009, 08:21:26 PM
It was funnier for me than for the missus :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 29, 2009, 09:43:15 PM
Gert:  Mmmmm....

Too late for Alphabet

I thought about it(well I dont have to think about it ;D) but then decided to keep my trap shut ;D

Johan! You dirty old man! He, he, he! Look who is talking :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on September 02, 2009, 01:32:41 AM
Overheard in Shoprite/Checkers today:

"Look ma, djou koek hang yt!" Kaapse skollie to an elderly lady carrying a shopping bag overflowing with packets of biscuits ;D

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on October 05, 2009, 09:43:53 AM
Sielkundige vra: "Kyk jy vir jou vrou se gesig tydens sex?"

Koos: "Ek het 1 keer en sy't redelik die moer in gelyk!"

Sielkundige: "Hoe dan so?"

Koos: "Sy't by die venster ingeloer!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on October 05, 2009, 11:54:06 AM
Pahahaha!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: chipwelder on October 05, 2009, 12:08:46 PM
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5718984/Staff-strip-naked-to-improve-morale.html

Not sure how much of a joke, or if it'll be effective since I'm the only one here...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on October 05, 2009, 05:29:35 PM
Those people need to go get the loose screws in their heads tightened
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on October 06, 2009, 08:10:53 AM
Gotta love the pope!  ;D


The Pope and Julius Malema are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Julius and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Julius replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him.

Sounds kinda familiar, though...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 11, 2009, 01:49:54 PM
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on October 11, 2009, 02:03:49 PM
So the Pope slapped him.

Seeing as how English is only my 2nd language .... Is that what is meant by "touching wood"?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on November 01, 2009, 10:27:36 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l38blGqVeHc&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l38blGqVeHc&feature=related)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on November 02, 2009, 03:05:22 PM
the first link seems not to work anymore, hope this one does better...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on November 04, 2009, 01:04:51 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs)

I'll see yours & raise you one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1J5C1ichqU
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on November 04, 2009, 01:51:09 PM
lol, saw that one before, but it still amazes me. also made me reconsider my stance on the death penalty... 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on November 11, 2009, 04:45:00 PM
This is from a Japanese gameshow called Takeshi's Castle, if you ignore the american commentators it's hilarious and brutal at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u0QF5GJ730

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGuYojcmZpI
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on November 11, 2009, 04:51:56 PM
I love Takeshi's castle, that and mythbusters is prob the only thing I ever watch on DSTV (besides the obligatory Rugby on weekends of course)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 18, 2010, 03:13:29 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a tiny
straw and sip an ice cold 2 liter bottle cold-drink  dry.
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I sipped a
2 liter Coke empty and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on January 18, 2010, 11:59:21 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  :-X
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on January 19, 2010, 04:42:00 PM
“You can’t get over a girl until you can no longer picture her boobs, it’s a scientific fact” - Barney Stinson
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 21, 2010, 12:22:47 AM
(http://www.imagehost.co.za/image-C7C0_4B578165.jpg) (http://www.imagehost.co.za/share-C7C0_4B578165.html)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kevin99 on January 22, 2010, 04:20:56 PM
(http://www.jokeoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/bmw-500x678.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 25, 2010, 08:20:01 AM
Die boer kry 'n oproep van sy plaashulp dat daar iets ernstig fout is op die plaas en ry toe terug plaas toe.

Daar aangekom vra ht vir Jonas wat die probleem is en Jonas gaan wys hom dat een van die ooie ses lammers gekry het en net vir vier sou kon melk gee.

Die boer besluit toe om twee van die lammers hans groot te maak en ry dorp toe om al die nodige te kry.

Hy stap by die apteek in en vra die dame agter die toonbank Verskoon my dame, maar het jy lam tiete?" Waarop sy toe antwoord "Nee, dis net 'n kak bra!"


----------

'n Perd op die plaas het 'n probleem met hardlywigheid en die boer roep een van sy werkers op die perd 'n maagwerk pil in te gee. Die hulp se toe dat hy nie weet hoe nie en die boer verduidelik vir hom dat hy die pil in sy mond moet hou en 'n pyp in die perd se bek te sit en blaas sodat die pil agter in die perd se bek opeindig.

'n Paar uur later soek die boer die plaashulp op en vra hom of die pil al op die perd gewerk het. Na 'n lang soektog spoor hy die hulp op waar hy pas uit die toilet gekom het en sy maag vashou. Die boer vra hom wat fout is en hy antwoord dat hy die pil ingekry het. Die boer vra toe vir hom of hy dan nie gedoen het soos hy gese is nie waarop die hulp antwoord "Ek het die pyp by die perd se bek gesit om die pil in te blaas, maar toe blaas die perd voor ek kon blaas!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 01, 2010, 09:06:48 AM
The Blue Bulls have now stopped buying rugby players from other unions and rather decided to deploy Steve Hofmeyer and Joost van der Westhuizen to "build" the next generation of Bulls players ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 02, 2010, 01:38:56 AM
That will give a lot of Bull!  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on February 28, 2010, 01:19:11 PM
(http://usr.audioasylum.com/images/2/29607/speaker_cables.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 28, 2010, 09:55:21 PM
I think that sort of sums it up ;D Christa reckons its "selective hearing" or maybe its the difference in frequency ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on March 01, 2010, 04:28:48 PM
http://www.watkykjy.co.za/2010/03/n-kak-tyd-om-te-poep/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Watkykjy-DieAltemitAfreakaanseWebsiteOpDieInterwebs-NouAlVir9JaarLank+%28watkykjy+-+die+beste+Afrikaanse+blog+en+Website+in+die+heelal%29 (http://www.watkykjy.co.za/2010/03/n-kak-tyd-om-te-poep/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Watkykjy-DieAltemitAfreakaanseWebsiteOpDieInterwebs-NouAlVir9JaarLank+%28watkykjy+-+die+beste+Afrikaanse+blog+en+Website+in+die+heelal%29)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on March 04, 2010, 01:30:42 PM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/30c2crp.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on March 04, 2010, 02:36:16 PM
 HOW TO START EACH DAY ON A POSITIVE NOTE...

 
 
1.         Open a new file in your computer.
 
2.         Name it "Robert Mugabe".
 
3.         Send it to the Recycle Bin.
 
4.         Empty the Recycle Bin.
 
5.         Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
            "Robert Mugabe ?"
 
6.         Firmly Click "Yes."
 
7.         Feel better? 
 
 
 
Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on March 17, 2010, 08:32:46 AM
For all the nerds or gamers (yes they are different!) around here, this almost made me fall off my seat!

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1268643430_308_FT65907_26a3247deb5db0_full.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on March 17, 2010, 09:21:15 AM
ROFL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on March 17, 2010, 09:41:05 AM
ROFLMAO
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on March 17, 2010, 10:44:19 AM
It's hillarious! I still get the giggles thinking about it and my colleagues keep on looking at me all strange :P
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on April 14, 2010, 11:01:19 AM
 T-Shirt Reality Check at the Airport
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 15, 2010, 11:47:13 AM
Qantas Airlines:    Repair Division
 
 In case you need a laugh:
 Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
 
 After  every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe  Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the  aircraft.
 The mechanics correct the problems;  document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the  Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
 
 Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
 Here are some actual maintenance complaints  submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the  solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance  engineers.
 
 
 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
 P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in  cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on  windshield.
 S: Live bugs on  back-order.
 
 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute  descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
 P: Evidence of leak on  right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence  removed.
 
 P: DME volume unbelievably  loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable  level.

 P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S:  That's what friction locks are for.
 
 P: IFF  inoperative in OFF mode.
 S: IFF always inoperative in  OFF mode.
 
 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're  right.
 
 P: Number 3 engine  missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
 P: Aircraft handles  funny.........
 S: Aircraft warned  to straighten up, fly right, and be  serious.
 
 P:  Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat  installed.

 And the  best one for last.........
P: Noise coming  from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on  something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away  from midget
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 15, 2010, 11:47:47 AM
@ mods: Please make this thread a sticky.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on June 15, 2010, 09:33:33 PM
Your wish is my command... ;)

And to remain on topic...

BOERSEUN

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun from Kakamas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on June 15, 2010, 09:52:59 PM
LOL lekker gelag nou
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on July 07, 2010, 04:16:22 PM
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalie personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: frikkie on July 07, 2010, 04:47:15 PM
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalie personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

mafioso

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on July 07, 2010, 04:52:50 PM
If anyone know's David Thorne, he's quite famous for these....


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together.
I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.
The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,


The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: LAV on July 07, 2010, 05:28:28 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on July 08, 2010, 09:46:46 AM
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
 
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. 
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild s** all night.
 
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 
 
 
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Headsh0t on July 08, 2010, 09:57:45 AM
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless .

A lady died this past January, and ABSA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, is now R60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ABSA Bank call center:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ABSA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ABSA: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ABSA: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ABSA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being dead?'

ABSA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ABSA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ABSA: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

ABSA: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ABSA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ABSA: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

ABSA: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' West Park Cemetery, 12 West Park Road , Johannesburg , Plot Number 1049.'

ABSA: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on July 08, 2010, 11:12:13 AM

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on July 08, 2010, 11:23:32 AM
Joke of the day? the Americans.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: JacoP on July 08, 2010, 12:07:30 PM

Two Greek men are sitting in a Bank, trying to make sense of the fine-print on a contract.
The one turns to the other and says: "This is English to me".

P.S. No disrespect to our Greek forum members...  :)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on July 08, 2010, 01:57:26 PM
Joke of the day? the Americans.



Oh boy! That is so typical innit?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on July 08, 2010, 03:42:51 PM
Joke of the day? the Americans.


Ahhhaaaahaa. :D Americans  ....

Not all of them though.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 08, 2010, 04:08:42 PM

Not all of them though.

Whahahahaha, nice one! ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ByronH on July 08, 2010, 04:18:29 PM
Joke of the day? the Americans.

Woot? Are you serious? lol
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on July 08, 2010, 05:53:54 PM
Little Barry was at school and the teacher asked all the kids what their fathers do for a job.

The kids yelled Fireman, Chippy, Plumber etc...but Barry kept quiet. So, the teacher asked him 'Barry, what does your dad do for a job?'

'My dad dances in a gay club and takes off his clothes for the mo...err men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them'.

The teacher dismissed the other kids, took Barry aside and asked if that was tue.

'No', said Barry. "He plays football for England but I was too ashamed to say that".

mafioso

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 12, 2010, 06:14:13 PM
The best comment of the 2010 FIFA Soccer World Cup South Africa:

"Vuvuzela is like wanking...

... the one doing it is the only one enjoying it!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on July 13, 2010, 05:09:24 PM
  Jannie is in Gr.1 en sy Engels juffrou het probleme met hom.
Jannie meen hy's te slim vir Gr.1 en wil na Gr.3 oorgeplaas word.
Sy suster is in Gr.3 en Jannie reken hy is baie slimmer as sy.
Die juffrou het genoeg gehad en vat hom na die skoolhoof.
Die hoof sê hy gaan Jannie toets.As hy druip,bly hy in Gr.1.
Hoof:"Wat is 3x3?"
 Jannie :"9"
 Hoof:"Wat is 6x6?'
Jannie :"36"
So gaan dit aan totdat die juffrou die hoof vra of sy nie maar vir Jannie `n paar vrae in Engels kan vra nie?
Juffrou:"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
 Jannie :"Legs"
 Juffrou:"What do you have in you pants that I don't have?"
  Jannie :"Pockets"
 Juffrou:"What starts with a c and ends with a t, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin,whitish liquid?"
 Die hoof vee die sweet van sy voorkop af
Jannie :"Coconut"
Juffrou:"What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
Jannie :"Bubblegum"
Juffrou:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Jannie :"Shake hands"
Juffrou:"Now I'll ask some 'Who am I sort of questions, okay?"
 Jannie :"Yup"
Juffrou:You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you.
Jannie :"A tent"
 Juffrou: A finger goes into me.You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
Die hoof lyk baie gespanne.
 Jannie :"wedding ring"
 Juffrou: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well I drip. When you blow me you feel good.
 Jannie :"Nose"
 Juffrou:I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
 Jannie :"Arrow"
  Juffrou: What starts with a F ends with a K that means a lot of excitement?
 Jannie :"firetruck
 Die hoof spring op en sê:     Sit die klein bliksem in Gr.5      Ek het die laaste 10 antwoorde verkeerd gehad!!!!!!!
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 13, 2010, 08:03:37 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on July 14, 2010, 02:46:23 PM
(http://www.zapiro.com/Zapiro/images/cartoons/m_100711st.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ByronH on July 14, 2010, 02:59:16 PM
Hahaha! :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mike M on July 14, 2010, 03:41:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D Brilliant
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 15, 2010, 09:34:08 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on July 15, 2010, 04:21:54 PM
The new Spanish flag

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 16, 2010, 10:38:24 AM
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.  She looked pretty
good for a 60-year-old.  In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a 'Sportsman's Double?'

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No I haven't.'  And
I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was, 'my
lucky night.'

I went back to her place.  We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, You still awake??
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 16, 2010, 10:38:59 AM
Twee moffies dans. Die een Vra: 'Hoekom kry jy ereksie elke keer as ons dans?'
Ander een antwoord: 'Want jy dans soos 'n poephol.'
_________________________
Ouma spuit parfuum agter haar ore, aan pols, hals en tussen haar borste.
Kleinkind vra: Ouma, wat van die gat in die osoonlaag?
Ouma: Hom kom ek sommer met die flipping waslap by!
_________________________
Dosent sê vir klas: "Seks is 'n manier van kommunikasie."
Ou staan op en vra: "Beteken dit as ek draadtrek praat ek met myself?"
_________________________
Dronk katoliek sit in confession booth. Na lang stilte klop die priester om man se aandag te trek.
"Jy klop verniet," Skree dronkie terug. "hier is ook zero kakpapier!"
__________________________
Seuntjie van drie vra sy ouma:  "Ouma, is jy van karton gemaak?"
Ouma lag lekker en sê:  "Haai nee my skat, hoekom vra jy dan nou vir Ouma so?"
Seuntjie antwoord: "Want Pappa sê altyd Ouma is 'n regte ou karton."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on July 16, 2010, 11:55:57 AM
Dronk katoliek sit in confession booth. Na lang stilte klop die priester om man se aandag te trek.
"Jy klop verniet," Skree dronkie terug. "hier is ook zero kakpapier!"

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on July 26, 2010, 09:10:03 AM
BUBBA HAS A QUESTION
 
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants
fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers
an fries, is that true, Mister Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was
gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when
he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin....

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on July 28, 2010, 10:10:41 AM
What a beautiful story.
This should be shared with everyone!

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crafty on July 28, 2010, 10:15:47 AM
What a beautiful story.
This should be shared with everyone!

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End


Heard this on Tuks FM as well :-)


Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess 'Will you marry me?'  The princess said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Tuks FM, a place for happiness :-D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: JacoP on July 29, 2010, 12:14:38 PM

Positive Outlook in life:

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 29, 2010, 02:59:40 PM
My spam filter


(http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6576/90cid00a901c241eccc6910.gif) (http://img101.imageshack.us/i/90cid00a901c241eccc6910.gif/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 11, 2010, 07:32:20 PM


"NICK THE DRAGON SLAYER"

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague -Horatio the Physician - the King's chief Doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desires but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address the problem, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for 4 hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder which he put into his mouth. For the next 4 hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent t*ts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved and Nick left satisfied and as a hero to his King.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio, demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't care less, knowing Horatio could never report this to the King, and told Horatio to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story is: "Pay your f**king bills!!"

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on August 11, 2010, 07:40:15 PM
That is a sick joke.
Men are not obsessed with big boobs, they are simply consumed by them  :D :D :D
Good one Mafioso.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on August 11, 2010, 07:47:27 PM
(http://media.gunaxin.com/wp-content/gallery/boobie-posters/big-boobs-poster.jpg)

(http://c2.api.ning.com/files/dK6dS-A6fUmubvN57bYLotv1*SV5Gz1Ca*PlXncD7EZOw*HmkI*4GrvMlZqvxXVqQBsnxL7BJnX4RaPp42AXtNMURTWkg841/poster___boobs052708113237.gif.jpg)

(http://i296.photobucket.com/albums/mm188/cpudaman/Motivational%20Posters/MotivationalPoser.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 08:09:14 AM
mmmm quite a sight at 8 in the morning  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on August 12, 2010, 08:29:58 AM
Skinny
I thought of you when I posted those  :P :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 08:39:33 AM
Skinny
I thought of you when I posted those  :P :D

LMAO, I would be thinking of the BOOBIES if I was posting those  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on August 12, 2010, 08:59:43 AM
LMAO, I would be thinking of the BOOBIES if I was posting those  ;D ;D
What's wrong with a bit of brotherly love ?
LOTS
We are boob men  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 09:08:00 AM
What's wrong with a bit of brotherly love ?
LOTS
We are boob men  :D :D


LOL then post sum more  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on August 12, 2010, 09:10:20 AM
We might get banned  :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 09:14:23 AM
We might get banned  :o

LOOOOL not if you keep it semi clean a la 80's Scope mag  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 12, 2010, 10:13:39 AM
LOOOOL not if you keep it semi clean a la 80's Scope mag  ;D ;D ;D

NO Stars! ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 10:21:07 AM
HAHA I think P will ban us
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 12, 2010, 10:51:13 AM
OMG

What have I started ;D

I'll skip breakfast for those anytime, analogos ;)

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 12, 2010, 10:58:34 AM
HAHA I think P will ban us

You remember the uproar about two years ago? ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 11:07:36 AM
You remember the uproar about two years ago? ;D

HAHA no I don't,  I was on my 'AVForums' break remember ?

P just briefly filled me in
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 12, 2010, 11:15:55 AM
HAHA no I don't,  I was on my 'AVForums' break remember ?

P just briefly filled me in

Nope, I am talking about the pics you and I posted that some members were not bemused about
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 11:20:03 AM
Nope, I am talking about the pics you and I posted that some members were not bemused about

Oh yes !! that !! lol yea how could I forget  ;D

Stir up again ?  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on August 12, 2010, 11:49:27 AM
I'm hitting a blank. Can you post the pics again?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 12, 2010, 11:50:41 AM
Continued here for the sake of preserving the 'Jokes' thread

http://www.avforums.co.za/index.php/topic,5775.new.html
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on August 12, 2010, 04:09:17 PM
Vasectomy Methodology

After having their 11th van Rensburg child, a Springs couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Springs, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Springs), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."

"Trust me!" said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in: Vereeniging, Vanderbijlpark, Brakpan, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, Eastgate, Carltonville, Orkney, Randfontein, Brits, Boksburg, Veldrif and Kriel...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on August 13, 2010, 01:21:30 PM
Twee vroumense is aan die golf speel Die 1ste een slaan af en kyk in afgryse hoe haar bal reguit na ‘n groepie mans daar naby trek. Die bal tref die een man en onmiddellik slaan hy sy hande tussen sy bene saam en val grond toe.
Die vrou hardloop onmiddellik oor en begin sommer al op ‘n afstand verskoning aan te bied vir die ongeluk.
“Ek is jammer, Ek is ‘n Fisio en as jy my toelaat kan ek probeer om die pyn te verlig”
“Dit is OK ek sal oor ‘n paar minute dalk weer reg wees” kreun die man, terwyl hy steeds opgekrul lê met sy hande tussen sy bene.
Die vroutjie voel baie sleg en op haar aandrang laat hy haar toe om te help Sy neem versigtig sy hande weg, maak sy gulp oop en sit haar hand in. Sy gee hom ‘n baie sagte, lekker massering en vra hom later: “Hoe voel dit nou?”
“Ek voel baie beter, maar ek dink nog steeds my duim is gebreek”
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 13, 2010, 01:26:56 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on August 18, 2010, 09:24:46 AM
:)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ByronH on August 18, 2010, 09:43:52 AM
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 20, 2010, 07:40:29 AM
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some @rsehole's got my pen!'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 20, 2010, 05:51:22 PM
ah
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 20, 2010, 06:45:18 PM
^^^^^ BWHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 21, 2010, 09:15:49 AM
L ;D ;D ;D ;D L
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 24, 2010, 10:20:55 AM
 ;D

(http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/9458/priceless.jpg) (http://img716.imageshack.us/i/priceless.jpg/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 24, 2010, 07:01:39 PM
How to draw an owl....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 26, 2010, 12:15:35 PM
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and a gorgeous blonde was eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye flew out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively caught it out of the air.Oh my god, I am so sorry,the woman said as she popped her eye back into place.Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after a bit she led him into the bedroom. The couple had a wild, passionate night.The next morning when he awakened, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed.;You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No, she replied, you just happened to catch my eye.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 26, 2010, 12:43:32 PM
 ;D nice one
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on September 01, 2010, 04:18:43 PM
:)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Gerhard on September 02, 2010, 08:59:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnsizkVjGm8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnsizkVjGm8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 03, 2010, 07:25:45 AM
In the twilight spirit.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 03, 2010, 08:15:24 AM
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING — When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY — The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE — A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK — When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH — The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME — Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER — A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) — A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS — A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR — Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH — A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a fart, a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE — A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON — A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ghostinthemachine on September 03, 2010, 08:27:35 AM
Farts on live TV - she did not expect that... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1blE6Fb_qT8&feature=related

And for those with strong constitutions - vomit on live TV - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x02PqtMgBBA&feature=related - but she makes a very good recovery! LMOA!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 03, 2010, 11:12:05 PM
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

...

...




Who comes up with this ****? ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on September 06, 2010, 04:28:06 PM
5 minutes of forgetting about life's challenges.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GphwxllxED0&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GphwxllxED0&feature=related)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on September 06, 2010, 06:02:45 PM
Funny funny funny ;D That guy in the attic trippled like little girl rofl
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 08, 2010, 08:00:27 AM
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO

HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN

SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER

“T”….EXAMPLE OF THOSE DAYS ARE:

TUESDAY

THURSDAY

THANKSGIVING

TODAY

TOMORROW

THATURDAY

AND THUNDAY
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 08, 2010, 08:05:14 AM
A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language.

One day the woman asked, “Can’t we try to make love with the lights off?”

The man said, “Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?”

The woman said, “Well, when you’re in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I’ll know. If you don’t want to, shake my right breast once.”

The man said, “All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my wee-wee once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my wee-wee about fifty times, ok?”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 08, 2010, 08:11:24 AM
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 08, 2010, 08:08:46 PM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Gracious."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the flipping putt, didn't you?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 08, 2010, 08:38:15 PM
^^^^^ That had me in stitches! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 09, 2010, 11:31:36 AM
What do you get when you cross a GPS with a woman with PMS ?












An angry bitch that WILL find you  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 09, 2010, 02:24:36 PM
Ad in the Junkmail

Quote
Brand new set of Encyclopeadias for sale: Got married, wife knows f..ken everything
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 09, 2010, 02:32:41 PM
Why is sex like paintball ?

You go at it for 1/2 an hour, get really hot and sweaty and at the end you hope its not you that got shot in the eye  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on September 23, 2010, 09:47:23 AM
http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/history-facebook-updates.jpg (http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/history-facebook-updates.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 23, 2010, 12:06:50 PM
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the
fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the King's
Head, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
Mick's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid. All on the
house!"

 The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself,
personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me young
sister quite a few times."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on September 23, 2010, 06:11:44 PM


 There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
 trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
 to see a man crying."

 "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

 I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

 "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,

 I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

 then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

 But enough about me, how's your day going?".


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 24, 2010, 06:53:23 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 28, 2010, 06:29:48 PM
In 1872, the Australians invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873, the Scots somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: joel on September 29, 2010, 08:12:26 AM
Hey tht's not funny.

I know someone who works for Eskom and you're calling them a Monkey.

That's It I'm leaving the forum.

No wait! he works for Vodacom. You can leave the pic then. :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: riaans on September 29, 2010, 10:16:45 AM
Gatiep is lus vir 'n ietsie en vra vir Meraai of sy hom nie 'n discount wil gee nie.
"Sure Gatiep, wat het djy?" "Sorry Meraai, ek het net twie rand en 'n paar tekkies."
"Ok, Gatiep, maar ek gaan doodstil wees – moenie vir daai chiep prys enige movements verwag nie."
Gatiep besluit hiers sommer ook sy kans om te wys hoe 'n goeie lover hy is. Hy love soos nog nooit in sy lewe nie. Nie te lank nie, of hy voel Maraai se een arm om hom. En later die ander arm. . . . Nou haal Gatiep alles uit, en nie te lank nie, of hy voel eers Maraai se een been en toe die ander om hom.
"En hoe dan nou, Meraaitjie , ek dog dan djy gaanie movements maak nie?"
"Shaddap Gatiep, ek pas die tekkies aan!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on September 29, 2010, 05:31:14 PM
lol
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 30, 2010, 06:30:31 AM
The weeks are getting so bad that after Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: MorneDJ on September 30, 2010, 04:11:36 PM
A friend owns a hospital. Story originated from him as true.

A guy goes to hospital with a complaint, but he is a bit embarrassed. The person assigned to him to "classify" the problem before he sees the doctor is a female nurse. Because the guy is embarrassed he asked the nurse not to laugh. It went something like this...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest wee-wee the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then had to steady herself to prevent
her falling on the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

The nurse ran out of the room ...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on October 03, 2010, 09:01:21 AM
I laughed so hard when I read this. It's from www.bash.org (http://www.bash.org), a collection of all funny things said on IRC, AIM, and other text-based chat services (geek humour ftw)

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he flipping KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a ****
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh ****... if i were taking a **** and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to flip him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he flipping SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: MorneDJ on October 05, 2010, 08:03:45 AM
Oldie, but still one of the best out there ...

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.

She writes: Today I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Goodness" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Goodness, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that lots of people love Goodness!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Goodness Gracious, go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Goodness!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started wavin and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed that the light had changed. So, I waved to all of my brothers and sisters, grinned, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all of the love that we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love, Grandma

By: Author Unknown
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 07, 2010, 06:48:14 PM
The day Paradise was lost forever...

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on October 13, 2010, 02:33:56 PM
At a couples conference the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wives favourite flower.
 
Koos turned to his wife and whispered: "Dis self-raising, nê?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 13, 2010, 02:37:12 PM
Here's another. I honestly don't know my wife's mobile number :-[

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on October 13, 2010, 02:46:26 PM
Stop drinking beer !!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 27, 2010, 04:22:21 PM
Gatiep soen soos gewoonlik vir Meraai goeienag voordat hy omdraai en binne 5 minute aan die slaap raak. Na 'n uur of twee skrik hy skielik helder wakker en sien 'n ou man langs sy kant van die bed staan, wit kleed en al. Meraai se lover? Hy kyk oor sy skouer maar dis pikdonker.

"Hey, wie's jy? Wat soek jy in my kamer?"

"Dis nie jou kamer nie, Gatiep, ek en jy is in die hemel."

"Waaat? Wil djy vir my kom vertel ek is dood Jy moet djou kop laat lees, ek is nog te jonk om te dood, ek wil dadelik teruggaan, NOU!"

"Dissie ..... ek meen, dis nie so maklik nie, sê die witgeklede engel, al die vacancies ........ ag ****, ek meen, jy kan net teruggaan aarde toe as 'n hond of 'n hoenderhen. wat sal dit wees?"

Gatiep oorweeg die saak so 'n bietjie, hoenderhen of hond? 'n Hoenderhen klink beter, hy het tog nie krag om rond te hardloop en vir al wat kar is te blaf en saans te wag vir sy bak kos nie, dan liewer 'n hoenderhen wat heeldag niks doen nie. Beter as niks, dan is hy darem terug op die aarde.

"Okei, ek wil 'n hoender wees", en woeps, is hy in 'n hoenderhok iewers in die Vrystaat, so 'n mooi rooibruin hoendertjie, maar mense, sy gat brand soos vuur! Die haan kom kennis maak en sê "Haai, jy is mos die nuwe hoendertjie, die ou wat van die hemel af teruggekom het, hoe laaik jy om 'n hoender te wees?"

"Ag, dissie so bad nie, beter as om dood te wees." sê Gatiep, "maar ek voel ek gaan ontplof."

"Jy moet 'n eier lê, dan is alles oor, kekkel net twee keer en dan druk jy dat dit bars."

Gatiep maak toe soos die haan sê, kekkel twee keer en druk, en wraggies, plop, daar lê 'n eier op die grond. Dis so lekker dat hy dit sommer weer 'n keer doen. Die derde keer toe stamp iemand hom dat hy so trek en hy hoor Meraai skree: "Gatiep, word wakker, jy skyt die hele bed vol!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 27, 2010, 04:22:52 PM
Die boer se enigste haan is dood en hy besluit om by die

Kaapse mark te gaan kyk vir 'n plaasvervanger. Daar

aangekom, kry hy vir Gatiep wat 'n haantjie te koop

aanbied.


"Hierdie haantjie is soos Outsurance, hy dek alles" beduie

Gatiep en die boer koop hom toe.



Op die plaas word haantjie by die henne ingegooi en soos

Gatiep beloof het, is die haantjie vreeslik gewillig en in 'n

oogwink draf hy al die henne deur.



Toe die boer weer kyk, is hy by die eende, toe by die

ganse, by die kalkoene en die boer is sommer baie in sy

noppies met die kopie.



Maar die volgende oggend kom ou Simon by die boer en

deel hom mee dat die haantjie dood lê in die veld. Hy wys

na waar die aasvoëls dan ook reeds al draai. Die boer is

sommer baie hartseer, en hy en Simon stap soontoe om
vas te stel wat met die haantjie gebeur het.



Toe hulle naby kom, lig die haantjie sy kop op en fluister

SHHHHHHHH "Ek's okay.


Ek wag net vir daardie aasvoëls om te land."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 27, 2010, 04:26:16 PM
Gatiep lê in die hospitaal na 'n ernstige ongeluk. Hy vra vir die dokter: "Sal ek darem kan kitaar speel?" "Ja" sê die dokter. "Dis flipping great" tune Gatiep, "want ek kon nog flipping nooit nie!"



Gatiep en Meraai koop n snoek en klim op die bus. meraai: ‘wat maak ek mettie vis?’ gatiep: ’sit dit tussen jou bene’ meraai: ‘nee mar dit ga mos stink!’ gatiep: ‘moenie worry nie , die vis is klaar dood’
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 29, 2010, 10:42:17 AM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/faceless.20100916.295.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on October 29, 2010, 06:27:37 PM
Scottish Bar Stool...



-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on November 09, 2010, 08:33:59 PM
No reference to any one on this Forum, I received the following in an email and simply find it hilarious!  ;D  ;D  ;D

---

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurt-age. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

---



-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on November 10, 2010, 08:27:51 AM
Dit is nou 'n regte K@k storie ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on November 10, 2010, 12:26:56 PM
flippen snaaks.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on November 11, 2010, 02:05:30 PM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
through his stock and brought out a R5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only R40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.


Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on November 12, 2010, 07:33:57 AM
LOL!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on November 12, 2010, 02:11:55 PM
Lovely.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on November 17, 2010, 01:48:49 PM
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?", as he smiled smugly. 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know sh            t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on November 18, 2010, 11:48:38 AM
-Bwahahahahaha...

:)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on November 24, 2010, 07:49:00 PM
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

________________________________________

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.

________________________________________

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?”  asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

________________________________________

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says “For heaven’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

________________________________________

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.

His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?”  His wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.

________________________________________

Paddy’s in jail.  Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“What the hell you doing?”  he asks.

“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t  breathe”.

________________________________________

An answer I can understand.  An American tourist asks an Irishman:

“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in  the bloody boat.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on November 28, 2010, 01:03:54 PM
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on December 02, 2010, 05:36:51 PM
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?






A baboom
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on December 06, 2010, 06:24:25 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 


Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

 


One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f@ck all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be a South African !

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Big G on December 06, 2010, 11:25:10 AM
A famous heart surgeon walks into a Harley dealership, and one of the mechanics who was busy stripping down an engine spots him....

The Mechanic thinks for a moment, and realises the similarities between their two jobs....

So, he gets up and goes over to talk to the Heart Surgeon, and says to him 'I couldn't help but realise that we kind of do similar jobs... I strip down the heart of the bike and open it up, replace or fix the valves, and then put it all back together to work better than before.'

The Heart Surgeon looks at the Mechanic, and agrees that there are some similarities with a 'Yes, I suppose you're right?'

So the Mechanic, standing with a puzzled look on his face, asks 'So why is it that you get paid so much more than I do??'

The Heart Surgeon pauses for a moment, smiles and leans over to whisper in the Mechanics ear 'You don't do it whilst the engines running!'

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on December 09, 2010, 11:55:23 AM
Seasons Greetings, politically correct version.

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that: -

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal;

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on December 09, 2010, 01:10:50 PM
Brilliant - happy Yom Kippur!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on December 12, 2010, 04:02:22 PM
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” says the farmer. “How many sheep were there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“How can there be 40?” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on December 22, 2010, 03:13:58 PM
LOL!!!

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 22, 2010, 03:17:32 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on December 22, 2010, 04:39:33 PM
I would like to die like my grandfather - in his sleep ....








Not like the screaming passengers in his car!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 23, 2010, 07:10:52 AM
I'll never forget my fathers last words :'(







flip ME ! A BUS !!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on December 23, 2010, 09:24:06 AM
Hold my beer and check this move!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on December 23, 2010, 11:24:22 AM
I would like to die like my grandfather - in his sleep ....
Not like the screaming passengers in his car!
I'll never forget my fathers last words :'(
flip ME ! A BUS !!
Hold my beer and check this move!
(http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTMa1lkR8-Kw-K4tgwfO-oQIoONjQ2x8AYM1wcu7viP7h-9MO_0GA)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on January 03, 2011, 09:55:17 PM
My grandmother died in the 60's but her birthday is coming up and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for meaningless little jobs like pulling weeds or sweeping the yard.

Those gems were all good but the one I remember most - the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice -occurred when I was only about 13 or so. We were sitting in the park munching chips on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this', she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands'.

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft upper class voice 'Makes your dick look bigger'.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 06, 2011, 01:16:52 PM
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the blooming brakes on that truck."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on January 06, 2011, 01:30:25 PM
 ;D ;D LMAO  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 06, 2011, 01:34:42 PM
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft upper class voice 'Makes your dick look bigger'.

I was a bit hesitant to comment, but she had to be a remarkable lady to come up with such good advice!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 06, 2011, 01:56:01 PM
She answered in her soft upper class voice 'Makes your dick look bigger'.

I'm imagining Susan Sullivan as the gran.

(http://castle.maxupdates.tv/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Martha-Rodgers-a.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 06, 2011, 04:54:23 PM
My grandmother died in the 60's but her birthday is coming up and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for meaningless little jobs like pulling weeds or sweeping the yard.

Those gems were all good but the one I remember most - the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice -occurred when I was only about 13 or so. We were sitting in the park munching chips on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this', she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands'.

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft upper class voice 'Makes your dick look bigger'.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

mafioso
For some reason I have been noticing the ladies hands more than usual recently ....

Was a girl at the pharmacy today - the last segments of her thumbs were disproportionately short compared to the the other segments ... and her hands were very small.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ... on January 06, 2011, 06:53:44 PM
For some reason I have been noticing the ladies hands more than usual recently ....

Was a girl at the pharmacy today - the last segments of her thumbs were disproportionately short compared to the the other segments ... and her hands were very small.
:D :D
I will own up, since reading this I also can't but help noticing hands more than before.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on January 08, 2011, 12:30:52 AM
:D :D
I will own up, since reading this I also can't but help noticing hands more than before.


Don't forget to czech-out the other 'licious bits  ;D


A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies R500.

"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.

"A funny green cap and an Australian cricket shirt".

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 10, 2011, 07:15:46 AM
I was driving behind a 4x4 of some description yesterday with the usual "Blue Bulls Supporter" signia(Blue balls on the towbar), but above that was a huge sign saying:

"Not a Blue Bulls Supporter, I lost a bet"

I thought it was hillarious ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 10, 2011, 07:29:40 AM
I was driving behind a 4x4 of some description yesterday with the usual "Blue Bulls Supporter" signia(Blue balls on the towbar), but above that was a huge sign saying:

"Not a Blue Bulls Supporter, I lost a bet"

I thought it was hillarious ;D

 ;D ;D ;D BAD bet to lose :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on January 10, 2011, 07:36:59 AM
I was driving behind a 4x4 of some description yesterday with the usual "Blue Bulls Supporter" signia(Blue balls on the towbar), but above that was a huge sign saying:

"Not a Blue Bulls Supporter, I lost a bet"

I thought it was hillarious ;D

I don't get it.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 10, 2011, 07:37:42 AM
I don't get it.

Looking at your Avatar, I can understand why you don't get it ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 10, 2011, 07:41:45 AM
Looking at your Avatar, I can understand why you don't get it ;D

 ;D ;D That Mullet weighing the braincells down  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on January 10, 2011, 07:42:59 AM
Looking at your Avatar, I can understand why you don't get it ;D

You checking me out, huh?! Pick a window.

;D ;D That Mullet weighing the braincells down  :D

You leave my passion perm out of this, mmmmkay!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 10, 2011, 07:44:15 AM


You leave my passion perm out of this, mmmmkay!


Pass the Banjo 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 10, 2011, 08:15:56 AM
A woman goes to an art exhibition and stood in front of a painting depicting three naked black men sitting on a bench. Two have black tools and one has a pink tool.

The curator comes up to the woman and asks her if he can explain the meaning of the painting. She agrees and he spends the next half an hour explaining that the painting symbolises the sexual oppression of the male in the African context.

As soon as he leaves an elderly woman approuches the lady and says that she is the artist responsible for the painting and she would like to explain the true meaning of the painting.

The artist then goes on to explain that the three men are actually coal miners and the one with the pink tool just came back from  lunch.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 10, 2011, 08:33:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ghostinthemachine on January 10, 2011, 09:26:24 AM
For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack ****? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack ****?!". Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** who married O ****. In turn, Jack **** married Noe ****. The couple had 6 children: Holie ****, Giva ****, Fulla ****, Bull ****, and the twins, Deep **** and Dip ****.

Deep **** married Dumb ****, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe **** got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe **** Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip **** married Lota **** and had a rather nervous disposition named, Chicken ****.

Fulla **** and Giva **** married the Happens brothers in a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the ****-Happens wedding. Bull **** traveled the world and returned home with an italian bride, Pisa ****.

So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know Jack ****! Keep this **** going!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on January 10, 2011, 12:01:48 PM
An elderly couple walks into a pharmacy and asks for condoms.

The assistant says "My apologies, but how old are you?" To which the man replies "I am 75 and she is 73"

The assistant then states "But sir, if you are that age, there is no fear of pregnancy, so you don't really need condoms"

The man replies "We know, but she loves the smell of burning rubber!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 10, 2011, 04:40:07 PM
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I
timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 10, 2011, 08:19:13 PM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 11, 2011, 06:57:00 AM
Why do most men die before their wives?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they WANT to  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ByronH on January 11, 2011, 09:41:05 AM
A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on January 12, 2011, 04:08:12 PM
‎'n Ou oom van tagtig jaar gaan vir 'n operasie wat hom weer jonk sal maak.Die operasie is 'n groot sukses,maar toe hy bykom,begin hy bitterlik huil.Die suster probeer hom troos en verseker hom dat die operasie 'n sukses was en dat die pyn oor 'n dag of twee sal verdwyn.''Ek huil nie oor die pyn nie,ek huil oor ek laat gaan wees vir s...kool,'' se hy.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on January 13, 2011, 07:21:56 PM
Steven Wright.... say no more

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died."
"I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."
"Whenever I fill out an application and it says 'In case of an emergency notify...,' I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
"I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli."
"I had a skylight installed in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."
"I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I died I could say 'un-quote'."
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone's making a penny."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."
"They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I got rid of everything to see what I had."
"When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen...and replaced with exact replicas."
"Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"My theory of evolution, is that Darwin was adopted."
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
"I went to a store that had a sign that said "Open 24 Hours" and it was closed...I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
"So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags, I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically"
"So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
"You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
I'd like to do my imitation of bowling. (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that. I didn't know how to word it.
"This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 14, 2011, 10:20:55 AM
A naked man, looks in the mirror and says to his wife, "Why do I always get
a hard-on when I look at myself?"

Wife says, "Because your cock thinks you’re a **** too!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 14, 2011, 10:21:49 AM
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & emails have forgotten the
"art" of capitalisation.

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 14, 2011, 08:57:18 PM
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on January 18, 2011, 11:11:38 AM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'Shaking, the old man is barely able 2 stand says: "50yrs ago dat fence was not an electric fence!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on January 18, 2011, 11:12:37 AM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the flip is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on January 18, 2011, 11:14:11 AM
Steve, Jurie Els en Nadine loop oor ñ brug.  Nadine loer deur die relings en haar kop sit vas.  Steve sien sy kans en roer haar van agter af.  Toe hy klaar is, se hy vir Jurie:"Jou beurt!" Jurie begin toe huil en se:"My kop pas nie deur die tralies nie!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on January 18, 2011, 11:17:49 AM
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating."How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?


Durex says to Tampax, "every month you stop my business for about a week"...Tampax says... "flip off! if you make one mistake, I lose my job for 9 months"!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Doogle on January 18, 2011, 11:28:49 AM
LOL Sies Stefan........ and there I thought you were a nice boy........  ;D  LMAO!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Jaco on January 18, 2011, 12:19:26 PM

TRY NOT TO LAUGH!!!
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Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on January 18, 2011, 05:35:00 PM
hahhahahhaha! pwnd.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 18, 2011, 08:50:34 PM
I tried but failed    ;D ;D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Big G on January 19, 2011, 09:41:18 AM
I love the worried look in the dogs eyes in the second shot.... Kinda like a 'oh crap, here I go... Aaaaaarrrrgh' Thump!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rhowen on January 20, 2011, 02:56:23 PM
What do you call an Indian in a wheel chair?
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ISLAM
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on January 20, 2011, 03:34:30 PM
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher approached.
Two of them had a stroke and the third could not reach.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 20, 2011, 07:14:57 PM
A bloke's wife is watching a cooking program when he pipes up "What are you watching that for...you can't cook?"

To which she replied "You watch porn"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on January 21, 2011, 01:19:06 AM
The doctor called the nurse aside and asked: "How's that little boy in ward three doing? The one that swallowed all those R5 coins."

"I'm afraid there's been no change yet," said the nurse.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on January 21, 2011, 01:01:32 PM
 

 
At the 4th hole the following conversation takes place:First guy:"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."Second guy:"That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I' d build her a new deck for the pool."Third guy:"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask : "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy:"I just set my alarm for 5.30 am... when it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the backside and said: "Golf course or intercourse?"She said: "Wear sun block."    
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rhowen on January 21, 2011, 01:28:21 PM
What do you do when you come home finding your wife watching TV

* Make her chain shorter
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ILoveMusic on January 21, 2011, 01:37:35 PM
Die dominee en die boer stry of seks op ‘n
Sondag met mevrou Boer werk of plesier is.
Die volgende dag vra die boer vir Jonas wat
dink hy?
 
Jonas dink ‘n ruk lank hard...
Toe antwoord hy: “ Baas dit moet
hom die plesier wees, want as daai die werk was,
die Baas het hom lankal vir my gagee om te doen!”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ILoveMusic on January 21, 2011, 01:39:09 PM
Durex says to Tampax, "every month you stop my business for about a week"...Tampax says... "F....k off! if you make one mistake, I lose my job for 9 months"!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 22, 2011, 10:00:21 AM
I’ve just heard from a friend in the north of England.

He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now and his wife has done nothing but stare through the window…

If it doesn’t stop soon, he says, he’ll probably have to let her in.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 22, 2011, 10:05:11 AM
Uhm

MOD EDIT: Funny, but not for everybody.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 22, 2011, 08:57:43 PM
:D

OK so we have recently been at it on the forum about Steve Jobs and Apple.

Well it appears that old Steve is back in Hospital. Just goes to show an Apple a day DOESN'T keep the doctor away.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: johnc on January 22, 2011, 11:23:08 PM
I wonder how many people go to that hospital asking for Jobs. ::)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on January 25, 2011, 03:06:23 PM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 25, 2011, 03:47:11 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Very angry Teacher: Where the  do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I f***ken have one at home!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on January 26, 2011, 02:15:59 PM
(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image003.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image004.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image005.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image006.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image007.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image008.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image009.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image010.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image011.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image012.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image013.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image014.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image015.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image016.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image017.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image018.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image019.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image020.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image021.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image022.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image023.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image024.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image025.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image026.jpg)

(http://www.pcdoctors.co.za/e107_files/public/1296036250_141_FT0_image027.jpg)

:D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 26, 2011, 04:37:29 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 26, 2011, 05:49:50 PM
Man that mail went full circle today! Everyone in the office also got that.

Best one:  Mrs Bieber?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on January 26, 2011, 07:01:46 PM
naah, precious is farking funny.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 26, 2011, 09:56:25 PM
(http://a.yfrog.com/img617/922/5crtu.png)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on January 26, 2011, 11:38:13 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

            ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

            SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

            TO SEE HER TICKET.



            SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

            CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



            THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

            GOING TO  TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

            THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

            BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

            ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



            THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

            EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

            SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



            THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

            GOING TO  TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



            THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

            HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

            THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



            THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

            HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



            HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

            AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

            BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

            ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

            ANY FUSS.


            "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO  TORONTO ".
 



Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on January 26, 2011, 11:46:03 PM
(http://a.yfrog.com/img617/922/5crtu.png)

Caught me dammit...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 26, 2011, 11:52:05 PM
Caught me dammit...

Me too!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on January 27, 2011, 08:08:50 AM
Me too!

that was awesome!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 27, 2011, 09:37:11 AM
Caught me dammit...

It's doing a bad job of catching me  :(.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on January 27, 2011, 09:49:53 AM
you need an iphone or android scan app.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 27, 2011, 05:17:27 PM
you need an iphone or android scan app.

I have neither but took just about 2 seconds to find the 'solution' via google.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on January 28, 2011, 01:58:18 PM
More of a funny situation that i was reminded of by another post.


One of my colleagues (company director) HATES Man United especially Rooney. He has a buddy always sticking it to him about them and the whole office is in collusion with this buddy. The buddy has signed him up to the official Man U magazine. My colleague often gets Man U trinkets delivered. I assisted the buddy by replacing all the pictures of the directors on their company website with pics of Rooney :D (Just temporarily of course). My colleague comes into the office the other day and all of the pictures in the entire office had been replaced with Rooney pics. Took him a few hours to realise this though. I was sitting in his office when he suddenly realised that the obligatory family pics on his desk had been Roonified. A few seconds later, after recovering from the outrage of that, he gazed over at the large framed pic hanging on the wall and then raced through the rest of the office.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on January 28, 2011, 02:17:06 PM
Oh man! I have done soo many office pranks it's crazy, they always are the best!

The other day I posted this up all over our canteen, pause areas and elevators after I saw it in an email:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v371/Enigma_2k4/Velo.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 29, 2011, 07:56:48 AM
ah
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on February 02, 2011, 07:24:09 AM
Breaking News: Shrien Dewani was framed!
(http://www.jokeoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Shrien-Dewani-framed-500x704.jpg)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ampdog on February 03, 2011, 12:47:33 AM
.... and R2000 for the first person who can come up with 3 differences between the pictures.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on February 04, 2011, 07:19:32 PM
A woman goes for a face-lift, the Dr says, "I've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, & every time you feel like you need a lift, turn it." She gets the knob implanted & is gorgeous for 5 years. One day she sees a problem & returns to the Dr. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The Dr. replies, "Those aren't bags; those are breasts." She sighs, "that explains the goatee."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on February 05, 2011, 08:27:30 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
 

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on February 05, 2011, 08:41:43 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on February 11, 2011, 04:42:49 PM
Do the creep...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0)

also, why no youtube embed on the board?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on February 15, 2011, 04:20:06 PM
TOOLS EXPLAINED: How True This Is.


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to Say,
"Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Also ferquently used for onlooker attitude adjustement.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records,liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on February 15, 2011, 04:44:05 PM
This was the best in a very long time and the "sun of a bitch tool" so true
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on February 15, 2011, 05:26:20 PM
:D Thanks Shaun
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on February 15, 2011, 09:10:40 PM
Awl - device for making holes in the base of your thumbnail.

Cordless drill - device for making bigger holes in the base of your thumbnail, particularly when there is no vice available.

Bandsaw - device for removing your thumbnail altogether

Circular saw - device for removing your thumb........

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: MorneDJ on February 16, 2011, 08:04:02 AM
Een oggend na pouse toe die sub-b klas terugkeer vind die juffrou iemand het gebollie op die vloer voor die swartbord. Na 'n lang gegiggel kry sy die klas om te kalmeer en vra wie dit gedoen het. Niemand antwoord nie.

Sy vra toe vir al die kinders om op hulle arms te lê. Sy sal ook op haar arms lê.

Die een wat die bollie gelos het moet dan vorentoe stap, dit optel en "jammer klas" op die bord skryf.
Sy belowe dat sy ook nie sal kyk wie dit is nie.

Na so 2 minute met almal se koppe op hul arms hoor die juffrou hoe iemand se stoeltjie stadig uitskuif, voetstappe tot
by die swartbord, 'n gegriffel met kryt, 'n gewoel op die vloer, voetstappe terug en 'n stoeltjie wat terug skuif.

Met hoop maak sy haar oë oop en kyk met skok na die vloer na 'n vars tweede drol.

En op die bord staan:

"Die skim kak weer".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on February 23, 2011, 08:56:48 PM
Ernie Els
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_2dGhqn1JU&feature=feedrec_grec_index (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_2dGhqn1JU&feature=feedrec_grec_index)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on February 24, 2011, 09:46:18 AM
I just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the
house.

Turns out she is a Slovak.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on March 01, 2011, 01:15:59 PM
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one kitty."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one wee-wee."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on March 07, 2011, 08:50:04 AM
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Rolls Royce, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Mercedes Benz, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Volkswagen we don't piss on our hands."

 
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: xrapidx on March 08, 2011, 11:26:26 AM
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and half men.  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on March 09, 2011, 12:20:20 PM
True story: a group of priests from Holland recently visited our sunny shores and booked a package bus tour. On their way through the Karoo, the bus driver announced: 'ons gaan nou langs die pad aftrek en julle kan dan fotos neem'. The priests were horrified. It turns out that 'afrek' in Dutch means to masturbate!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: frikkie on March 09, 2011, 12:33:30 PM
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and half men.  :D

When coke wants to party, it does Charlie Sheen... ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on March 10, 2011, 09:01:22 AM
(http://hatetank.net/var/resizes/brazillian.jpg?m=1294566168)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Mervin on March 10, 2011, 02:10:52 PM
(http://hatetank.net/var/resizes/crossovers.jpg?m=1294566286)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Steve Strange on March 14, 2011, 08:10:10 AM
AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR.

     Ain't this the truth !!!

     Australian Letter of the Year....

     This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign

     Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried

     desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every

     legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!



Dear Mr Minister,

     I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

     How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

     that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997,

     and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

     and on what date?

     For Gracious sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

     My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

     the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

     It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those

     stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes

     over the past 30  years.

     It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

     Also...  would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

     Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely flipping astounded if that ever

     changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

     ****!  What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??

     I apologise, Mr. Minister.  But I'm really pissed off this morning.

     Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

     You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my flipping address!!

     What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless

     Neanderthal arseholes working there!

     And another thing, look at my damn picture. ..  Do I look like Bin Laden?

     I can't even grow a beard for God's  sakes. I just want to go to  New Zealand  and see

     my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone

     please tell  me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

     next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

     or a horse, believe you me, I'd  sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

     Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of flipping Sydney, and get another

     flipping copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

     accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

     Would  it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

     issuance of a new passport on the same day??

     Nooooo..  that 'd  be too flipping easy and makes far too much sense.

     You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our

     flipping heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

     that it's  really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're

     not allowed to smile?! .... you flipping morons.

     Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

     P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

     someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family

     has been in this country since before 1820!  In 1856, one of my

     forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the

      Eureka  Stockade!!)

     I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

     over 30  years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

     security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of

     the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

     each year.

     However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

     verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

     AND RAISED IN flipping  PAKISTAN !!!.....  a country where they either

     assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

     the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government".

     You are all pen pushing paper shuffling flipping idiots!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crankshaft on March 17, 2011, 09:47:14 AM
Picture attached.  May be funny - depends  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on March 26, 2011, 11:33:37 PM
    A man is in a hot air balloon and he realizes he is lost. He spots a man in the field below him and calls down:

    “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I’d be somewhere half an hour ago but I’m completely lost. Can you tell me where I am?”

    The man replies:

    “You are about 30 feet above this field, you are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 W. longitude”

    “You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

    “I am!” says the man, “How did you know?”

    The balloonist laughs, “well, everything you’ve told me is correct, but I don’t understand what you are talking about and I’m still lost”

    “Ah, you’re a manager” says the engineer

    “Indeed I am!” replies the balloonist, “How could you possibly know that?”

    “Well…” says the engineer, “you don’t know where you are and you don’t know where you are going. You’ve made a promise you can’t keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, except now somehow it’s my fault!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 07, 2011, 04:04:53 PM
 :D
 >:(
came out to small
better give the link
http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/ver2008_joke.asp?at_num=9978 (http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/ver2008_joke.asp?at_num=9978)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on April 07, 2011, 05:53:33 PM
ROFL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on April 10, 2011, 09:55:52 AM
;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 12, 2011, 02:25:12 PM
Six Truths in Life ...

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same
time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .

2. All idiots, after reading 1. will try it.

3. And discover 1. is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You
now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on
someone's face today.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ghostinthemachine on April 12, 2011, 02:36:44 PM
Six Truths in Life ...

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same
time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .

2. All idiots, after reading 1. will try it.

3. And discover 1. is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You
now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on
someone's face today.

What should I do if my tongue retracts when I look up? Should I seek medical advice?  ??? I think I am born with a defect.  :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on April 13, 2011, 10:19:36 AM
A coloured girl bought her boyfriend a present for his bday, he opened it & said "Wat da hell would I want with a freaken rocket??". She said "tjy soek mos space ....... Nou F*k off!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on April 13, 2011, 10:21:13 AM
Die dogtertjie se vir haar pa, "Pappa ek wens ek het 'n sussie gehad" Die pa se toe as 'n grap vir haar dat sy wel 'n sussie het, maar die sussie gaan uit by die agterdeur sodra sy by die voordeur inkom. "Oooooo" se die dogtertjie " Net soos my ander pappa maak!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 14, 2011, 03:32:02 PM
A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees
his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron
on.

He gets quite frisky at the site and decides have his way and proceeds from
behind.

After a few seconds, he stops and hits her real hard on the back of her
head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and
letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking around to see
who it was!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 21, 2011, 01:35:02 PM
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! Brilliance only come with age and experience.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on April 23, 2011, 12:18:21 AM
Troubles with the municipality.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: JimGore on April 26, 2011, 02:28:53 PM
I saw this on the web last night.  I know it's old, but I love it!  Just look at those eyes  ;D

(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/_QihvKTtjaEc/Tba6K3HgInI/AAAAAAAAAX8/LMwxZvc4v6c/s576/Love%20this%20stick.jpeg)

Cheers,
Ian.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on May 04, 2011, 05:32:37 PM
Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden's death."Sandals in the Bin"
 
 
 
Bin Laden dead, and in other Breaking News, Chuck Norris returns home from holiday in Pakistan...
 
 
 
Apparently Bin Laden had a $25 million tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?
 
 
 
Saddam Hussain. ☑
Osama Bin Laden ☑
Julius Malema. ☐
 
 Just proves you can take the bin out on a public holiday ...
 
 Bin Laden's final words ... "I need a house full of Navy Seals like I need a hole in the head".
 
 
 
Bin Laden dead - Best player at Hide & Seek 2001-2011
 
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: J.S. on May 04, 2011, 05:40:31 PM
Saddam Hussain. ☑
Osama Bin Laden ☑
Justin Bieber       ☐

Don't worry about Julius Malema. Justin Bieber is a far greater threat to audiophiles world wide.

(He has been known to blown tweeters on even the most expensive loudspeakers)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ruan on May 04, 2011, 05:48:19 PM
Justin Bieber has a beaver. See pic:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: 2stroke on May 04, 2011, 08:06:26 PM
ha ha .. he bin laid en de sea
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 18, 2011, 10:00:42 AM
My wife panics when I ask her if she's in the mood for Nando's  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on May 18, 2011, 04:24:43 PM
^^^ :D Talking about Peri-Peri, made me think of the pickup line used most often in our local Boksburg pub: "Jou pa se tottie was seker 'n chilly wan't jy's f***en hot".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 18, 2011, 05:44:49 PM
^^^ bet that works everytime  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on May 18, 2011, 07:23:00 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on May 22, 2011, 11:02:11 AM
http://www.mycitybynight.co.za/my-blackberry-is-not-working-funny-as-hell/ (http://www.mycitybynight.co.za/my-blackberry-is-not-working-funny-as-hell/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Raffs on May 23, 2011, 08:36:13 PM
Saw  really funny T-shirt at a store in the east rand mall , it read
" Please ask your Boobs to stop staring at my eyes"..............cracked me up  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on May 24, 2011, 10:48:24 AM
:D

J.C. van Damme, I pressume.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on May 27, 2011, 08:55:47 PM
Allow me to me introduce you to Yo Mama bin Shoppin.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on May 27, 2011, 09:24:05 PM
It was a small town and the patrolman was doing his rounds. As he was checking the used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting in the car and if they were trying to steal the car. "Heavens, no - we just bought it".

"Then why don't you drive it away?"

"We can't drive".

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told if you buy a used car here, we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting..."

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on May 28, 2011, 11:15:25 AM
Have a laugh:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/290570522953?clk_rvr_id=235716973671&afsrc=1

 :)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on May 28, 2011, 02:48:50 PM
Poor skoonbru' ;D

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 28, 2011, 07:12:51 PM
Old one but still a classic.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Her husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
The wife says. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: clicks on May 28, 2011, 11:02:35 PM
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for,
Particularly being late for work in the morning.
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where He was given a chance to
explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de Mirror and
try tuh Straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I Am
late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's Colleagues to
sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without
Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens
the day after that.
So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his Reasons for
not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de Mirror. I
see no Philemon.
I think Philemon already left for work"

Viva Philemon!!!!!



Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 30, 2011, 12:14:11 PM
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 30, 2011, 12:15:32 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: slyr on May 30, 2011, 08:52:06 PM
lol but sometimes beer is like a drip that keeps us sane ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 31, 2011, 03:16:28 PM
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 01, 2011, 12:26:29 PM
Wat doen jy as 'n leeu op jou afstorm as jy rustig in die veld stap?


Stap 1:  Stop dood en staar hom stip in die oe.....

Stap 2:  Gee een tree na regs.....

Stap 3:  Gee een tree agteruit.....

Stap 4:  Gee een tree na links.....

Stap 5:  Gee een tree agteruit.....

Stap 6:  Gee een tree na regs.....

Stap 7:  Gee een tree agteruit.....

Stap 8:  Gee een tree na links.....

Stap 9:  Gee een tree agteruit.....

NB:  Hierdie taktiek werk nie altyd nie, maar dit sal darem sorg dat jy nie in jou eie kak trap nie!

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on June 01, 2011, 12:27:23 PM
Hhehehehehee
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 01, 2011, 12:36:47 PM
 ;D Bleri oulik ne  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on June 01, 2011, 12:40:18 PM
The other version goes like this:
Q: What do you do if stormed by a lion whilst in the bush?

A: Throw sh1t at it

Q: But what if there's no sh1t around?

A: Don't worry, there will be!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 02, 2011, 07:42:43 AM
If you ever mess with me again, I’m gonna call my big brother AND his dog!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on June 02, 2011, 07:57:24 AM
^^^ Moffie.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 02, 2011, 08:21:32 AM
bwahahahahaha  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: VALVAGLO on June 02, 2011, 08:52:57 AM
Jealosy makes you nasty Gert
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: EKMANSON on June 02, 2011, 10:30:39 AM
I thought the Hulk was green, I wonder what he changes into when he gets mad.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on June 02, 2011, 10:35:03 AM
I'll bet you anything you like he's NOT on top   :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on June 02, 2011, 11:41:18 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/KwLGS.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 02, 2011, 12:51:57 PM
LOL!!! now the picture looks right ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Perhaps Gert was right first time ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on June 02, 2011, 01:20:12 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydRN4JJji8M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydRN4JJji8M)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on June 02, 2011, 01:34:23 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydRN4JJji8M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydRN4JJji8M)


Nee man Anton, that was not a real prank.  :P
Their acting is worse than the people Leon Schuster "supposedly" prank in his movies  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on June 02, 2011, 01:42:56 PM
Still funny though :)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on June 02, 2011, 01:50:52 PM
Still funny though :)

Yes it is..... I just gets a kick out of telling people these pranks are not real, Leon Schuster's pranks are not real, and the biggest kick of all by telling children the tooth fairy is not real.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on June 02, 2011, 02:06:42 PM
Santa Clause is real, I've seen him :P
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 02, 2011, 02:12:22 PM
Santa Clause is real, I've seen him :P

That should make Justin Beiber very happy ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: frikkie on June 02, 2011, 02:52:06 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/KwLGS.jpg)

Holy ****, this is funny...! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 02, 2011, 03:24:50 PM
OMW I take back the Beiber comment relating to father Christmas...the last thing we need is a Justin Beiber Christmas album ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on June 02, 2011, 09:59:53 PM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Steve Strange on June 03, 2011, 08:10:55 AM
Einstein Warned South Africa....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 03, 2011, 08:13:08 AM
Bwahahahahahahaha thats pricelss ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 04, 2011, 12:04:29 PM
To err is human; to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on June 04, 2011, 12:12:53 PM
There are two types of people in the world .... Those who divide the world into two types of people and those who don't.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 04, 2011, 12:15:39 PM
 :) ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 05, 2011, 10:49:57 AM
A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.” ;D


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 06, 2011, 07:55:19 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 07, 2011, 11:46:34 AM
A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 08, 2011, 07:11:55 AM
2 audiophiles talking. 1st one says, "Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he died of a sudden illness." 2nd audiophile says, "That's so sad, what did he have?" 1st audiophile replies, " Krell, Thiel, Theta, and Nordost."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on June 08, 2011, 07:28:21 AM
Nee man Anton, that was not a real prank.  :P
Their acting is worse than the people Leon Schuster "supposedly" prank in his movies  :D

Try a set called "rainbow skellums". Looked pretty genuine. Some of it filmed down the road from me
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 09, 2011, 06:40:46 AM
Have my first cage fight comming up this weekend................and boy is that budgie going to K@K ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 10, 2011, 06:51:43 AM
Been on diet for 2 weeks....have lost 14 days. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on June 10, 2011, 02:27:43 PM
(http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/memes-never-gonna-give-you-up.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 10, 2011, 05:45:38 PM
Thats actually pretty good Dennis :)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on June 13, 2011, 09:43:42 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 13, 2011, 10:52:13 AM
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
 ;D

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on June 13, 2011, 11:25:17 AM
:D


Ja, right :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on June 13, 2011, 08:18:55 PM
Kinda reminds me of the pursuit of audio nirvana ... the pile of sh1t just gets bigger  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 14, 2011, 01:30:33 AM
Kinda reminds me of the pursuit of audio nirvana ... the pile of sh1t just gets bigger  ;D

Over the past weekend TV news reported SA celebrating the one-year anniversary of the start of the 2010 World Cup. One of the images shown was a dung beetle pushing a giant soccer ball. Was not a good idea if you ask me.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 14, 2011, 11:15:37 AM
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." :)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 15, 2011, 12:07:53 PM
Warning label? ;D

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on June 15, 2011, 12:39:15 PM
Hahaa!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: cj on June 15, 2011, 03:32:55 PM
well it effective i guess ;D
, provided the user understands afrikaans.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on June 15, 2011, 05:06:03 PM
well it effective i guess ;D
, provided the user understands afrikaans.

By the tone of the warning I'm guessing the user will learn quickly.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on June 15, 2011, 05:17:48 PM
Hmmm yes because everyone loves to pump diesel manually...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 20, 2011, 09:05:52 AM
Maybe we all have it wrong..its not a warning label but clear and precise operating instrcutions ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 21, 2011, 07:28:24 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 22, 2011, 01:17:04 PM
My ADSL is down for the second time this month..venting here  >:(
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on June 22, 2011, 01:22:47 PM
Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly.  Sy besluit
toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag. Op die plaas aangekom
sê hy vir liefie om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy regs teen
die rivier af. Hulle sal dan weer mekaar onder by die hoofhek ontmoet.

So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars tussen die bosse ingeloop toe hy drie
skote kort opmekaar hoor klap.

Hy hardloop valval terug na waar die die stofwolk bo die doringbome hang. So
deur die stof sien hy haar vaagweg en dit lyk op 'n afstand kompleet of sy
haar eerste epileptiese aanval beleef. Toe die stof effens gaan lê kry hy
haar vir die eerste keer mooi gesien. Sy loop-val-storm in 'n klein sirkel
soos 'n rot wat te min gif ingekry het en sy praat onophoudelik op een van
daai bloedstollende toonhoogtes wat uit paniekbevange desperaatheid gebore
is. Tussen die gekraak van die takke deur kom hy agter sy is in 'n moerse
argument met 'n ander man betrokke en die kragwoorde rol die een na die
ander en sonder veel moeite tussen die twee lae stowwerige rooi lipstick
deur.

"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die! Ek het hom eerste gesien. Jy kan die drie gate
in sy kop meet. Dit was MY koeëls!" gil sy terwyl sy die 30-06 se loop
roekeloos deur die tonnels in stomme dier se skedel druk om te demonstreer.

"Goed mevrou, bedaar net!" sê die man vir die swaar gewapende en totaal
histeriese vrouejagter. Ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan maar
die KUDU vir jou. "Gee jy om om jou geweer op safety te sit terwyl ek my
flipping saal en toom van jou kudu afhaal?!?!?!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 25, 2011, 08:43:56 AM
If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" ;D ;D ;D and start all over!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on June 26, 2011, 11:00:08 PM
Some Aussie flavour.

An aboriginal farmhand radios back to the farm manager. "Boss, I gotta heluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK but he's stuck in the bullbar and he's wriggling and squealing so much, I can't get him out".

The manager says: "OK, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take the rifle and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farmhand calls back, "I did what you said, boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now wtf is the problem now?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch."

............"You there boss?"

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on June 27, 2011, 11:28:55 AM
^^^^ Good one!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on June 27, 2011, 07:40:54 PM
^^^^ Good one!!  ;D ;D

Here's another, just for you ;D

SICK LEAVE:

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me any leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. Sipho, my co-worker - asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a lightbulb so the boss would think I was crazy and give me the few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked "What the hell are you doing?" I told him I suddenly became a lightbulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down, took my jacket and made for the door.

When Sipho followed me, the boss asked him " Where do you think you're going?" He said "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark..."

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on June 28, 2011, 11:49:24 AM
Hahaha. Thanks mafioso, you made my day. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 28, 2011, 04:46:32 PM
Sipho again

Sipho : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Sipho: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on June 28, 2011, 11:41:37 PM
 ;D

Here's another take. "Do you have a brother?", "Yes, I do. He's at Harvard". "Harvard - he must be very clever". "Yes, he is. He's in a bottle in their pathology lab".

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 29, 2011, 08:02:24 PM
bwahahahaha  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 30, 2011, 03:03:05 PM
Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at
the altar," the Preacher says.

Sipho gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "
Sipho, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Sipho replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in  Sipho's ear, and he places the other
hand on top of  Sipho's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a
blue streak for Sipho.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and
asks, " Sipho, how is your hearing now?"

Sipho says, "I don't know, Reverend, it is only next Wednesday!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 05, 2011, 02:28:59 PM
Liewe Dr Phil ... Ek's 13 jaar oud.

Ons bly in Danville en ek's nog nie swanger nie.

Dink Oom my 2 boeties is gay??
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: frikkie on July 05, 2011, 03:37:02 PM
Liewe Dr Phil ... Ek's 13 jaar oud.

Ons bly in Danville en ek's nog nie swanger nie.

Dink Oom my 2 boeties is gay??

flipping LOL!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 05, 2011, 06:50:05 PM
hahahahaha :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on July 06, 2011, 08:53:30 AM
Liewe Dr Phil ... Ek's 13 jaar oud.
Ons bly in Danville en ek's nog nie swanger nie.
Dink Oom my 2 boeties is gay??

Nee, my liewe kind. Jou boeties blaas nog net wind. Dis jou pa wat gay is.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 06, 2011, 10:53:19 AM
Nee, my liewe kind. Jou boeties blaas nog net wind. Dis jou pa wat gay is.

ROTFLMAO ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on July 06, 2011, 11:04:38 AM
"’n Man sit op ’n bus. ’n Baie aanvallige dametjie sit langsaan hom en probeer haar baba borsvoed.

Die baba weier en sy sê: “Kom nou, eet alles op, of ek gee dit aan die goeie omie hier…”

Tien minute later is die baba steeds halsstarrig, en sy sê weer: “Kom nou, liefie, eet alles op of Mamma gee dit vir die oom.”

Waarop die man reageer: “Luister, dame, besluit nou. Ek moes al vier haltes terug afgeklim het!”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 06, 2011, 11:16:38 AM
Liewe Dr Phil ... Ek's 13 jaar oud.

Ons bly in Danville en ek's nog nie swanger nie.

Dink Oom my 2 boeties is gay??

Haha!

Reminds me of an old one:

Boksburg, Brakpan en Nigel gaan saamsmelt en hernoem word na BokNaiPan!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 06, 2011, 11:37:39 AM
Waarop die man reageer: “Luister, dame, besluit nou. Ek moes al vier haltes terug afgeklim het!”

Nou hoekom sien ek myself in hierdie grap? ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 06, 2011, 11:38:14 AM
Boksburg, Brakpan en Nigel gaan saamsmelt en hernoem word na BokNaiPan!

Met EISH! ja  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 06, 2011, 03:56:19 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 07, 2011, 06:47:47 PM
Haha!

Reminds me of an old one:

Boksburg, Brakpan en Nigel gaan saamsmelt en hernoem word na BokNaiPan!

Yup and they have added Springs to mix..its now called springboknaipan ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 08, 2011, 08:31:48 AM
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for,Particularly being late for work in the morning.
He was called to a disciplinary hearing where He was given a chance to explain his reasons.His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de Mirror and try tuh Straiten my hair.
Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I Am late."His boss has a bright idea.
He gets one of Philemon's Colleagues to sneak into Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work.
The same happens the day after that.
So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his Reasons for not attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de Mirror. I see no Philemon.I think Philemon already left for work"Viva Philemon!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 08, 2011, 09:43:58 AM
A question often asked of someone with a new car:

"What will it do?" The answer is normally something like "0-60 in 5 seconds" or something.

Now here is the 2011 Ferrari "458 Italia"

This is what it looks like and the next picture shows what it will do. Happy now?

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 08, 2011, 10:33:16 AM
Make women forget to pull up their g-strings? ???
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on July 08, 2011, 10:38:52 AM
Make women forget to pull up their g-strings? ???

EISH! Makes them loose their G-Strings! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 08, 2011, 11:00:14 AM
Make women forget to pull up their g-strings? ???

Quote from: alphabet
EISH! Makes them loose their G-Strings!

Either one suits me  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on July 12, 2011, 10:36:39 AM
Man kneeling by bed. Wife says," What are you praying for?"

Husband says, "For guidance."

Wife says, "Pray for stiffness and I'll guide the thing in myself."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 12, 2011, 07:35:07 PM
Sipho again  ;D

Sipho walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to The
Counter and said: "Hallo, Sir, I want to work".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a
listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his beautiful 22
year old daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes,
uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be
provided and once a year,
you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday.
The salary package is R200,000 a year."

Sipho said: "Eishhhh, You are telling' me lies!"

The man behind the counter said "Well..... You started it"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 14, 2011, 09:25:12 AM
A Scotsman is making love to an Afrikaans woman.
She keeps saying, 'Moenie, moenie'.
He replies, ' I will give you the Fooking mooney later'.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on July 14, 2011, 02:48:39 PM
THE HORTH WHITHPERER (The Horse Whisperer)

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Edwin on July 14, 2011, 04:35:53 PM
  ;D Ain't that the truth!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on July 15, 2011, 07:55:49 AM
I'm probably the last person in the world to see this, but I loved it.
http://www.myspace.com/video/jason-marsico/banned-commercials-mastercard-priceless-blow-job-funny/6499743
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: placebo on July 15, 2011, 08:06:13 AM
You are the last person in the world to see this ad. :)Please switch all the lights off when you leave.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 18, 2011, 02:32:44 PM
A brunette tells her blond roommate: "I slept with a Brazilian man last night" Blond replies: "OMG you slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 18, 2011, 02:38:29 PM
A brunette tells her blond roommate: "I slept with a Brazilian man last night" Blond replies: "OMG you slut! How many is a brazilian?"

LMAO,

Speaking of blondes:

What do you call a blonde doing a hand-stand?




















A Brunette with bad breath ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on July 18, 2011, 03:30:24 PM
ew.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: The Godfather on July 18, 2011, 10:23:21 PM
LMAO,

Speaking of blondes:

What do you call a blonde doing a hand-stand?




















A Brunette with bad breath ;D
What do you call a guy telling jokes like that?








An ambulance if my wife was around ....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 19, 2011, 07:50:17 AM








An ambulance if my wife was around ....

No worries  :D mine too
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cirr on July 19, 2011, 08:12:15 AM
An old lady walk into our local Spar yesterday,and as she walked she touched her head ,boobs and down there.
A worried-looking teller girl asked her if something is wrong,and she replied:
"Don`t worry little girl, it`s my grocery list,1 koolkop,2 litre milk and something nice for the old man!" ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 21, 2011, 03:38:59 PM
I was doing a health and safety course in work the other day. One of the questions was: In the event of a fire, what steps would you take? "flippin large ones" is the wrong answer apparently​!.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 21, 2011, 06:52:33 PM
I was doing a health and safety course in work the other day. One of the questions was: In the event of a fire, what steps would you take? "flippin large ones" is the wrong answer apparently​!.
Sounds like a pretty damn good answer  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 21, 2011, 06:53:10 PM
Is Windows a virus?

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 22, 2011, 08:00:03 AM
I was doing a health and safety course in work the other day. One of the questions was: In the event of a fire, what steps would you take? "flippin large ones" is the wrong answer apparently​!.

 :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ghostinthemachine on July 22, 2011, 09:03:51 AM
Quote
Just figured out why I'm overweight!
The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body".

I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap.

It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on July 22, 2011, 10:59:20 AM
POLISIE:       MENEER, HET JY 'n LISENSIE OM DIE KREWE TE VANG?

GATIEP :    NEE, HULLE IS MY TROETELDIERTJIES. EK BRING HULLE ELKE AAND UIT OM 'n BIETJIE TE SWEM, NA 'N RUKKIE FLUIT EK DAN KOM HULLE NA MY TOE, DAN STAP ONS HUIS TOE. "
 
POLISIE:    MAAR JY LIEG MOS NOU, MENEER!

GATIEP:     NEE MENEER, KOM EK WYS JOU DAN.

GATIEP SIT DIE KREWE IN DIE WATER EN HULLE SWEM WEG.

NA N RUKKIE VRA DIE POLISIE:           WANNEER GAAN JY FLUIT ?

GATIEP:   VIR WIE FLUIT?

POLISIE:   VIR DIE KREWE ?

GATIEP:   WATTER KREWE ??????????

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on July 22, 2011, 01:35:50 PM
Quote
GATIEP:   WATTER KREWE ?

Classic cape town! Gotta love this country.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 22, 2011, 05:36:39 PM
   

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson."

The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 24, 2011, 08:04:22 PM
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Sipho Mthethwa and I Asked: "How did you ever get a name like Sipho Mthethwa, being a Chinese man?"

"Many, many years ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Home Affairs Document Centre.  Man in front was big black man.  Lady at counter look at him and ask, "What is your name", he says, "Sipho Mthethwa".

Then she look at me and ask, "What your name?" I say, "Sem Ting".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 25, 2011, 01:29:56 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on July 25, 2011, 03:51:29 PM
A man goes into the bookstore and asks the young lady assistant:
 
"Do you have that new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." 
 
the man  replies, "That's the one, I'll take a copy!!"

 

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 25, 2011, 07:52:23 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 26, 2011, 09:08:45 AM
:D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on July 26, 2011, 09:19:27 AM
^^^  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on July 26, 2011, 01:09:32 PM
A guy comes up to a girl and tries to charm her by saying, "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my wee-wee, but its too long"

She said "Oh what a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my kitty, but you'll never get it."

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 26, 2011, 01:35:06 PM
Old but funny one:

Rugby Geniuses

Jono Gibbs, Chiefs
"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Rodney So'ialo, Hurricanes, on University
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Colin Cooper, Hurricanes head coach
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt.
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Colin Cooper on Paul Tito
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games
"It's basically the same, just darker."

David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you... Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

Ma'a Nonu
"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."

Phil Waugh
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored."

Jerry Collins
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Tony Brown
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."

Tana Umaga
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Doc Mayhew
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby, but none of them serious."

Anton Oliver
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."  

Ewan McKenzie
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

Murray Mexted
(1) "Andy Ellis the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"  
(2) "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."  
(3) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super14, but there
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 26, 2011, 04:09:51 PM
Q: What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit?
A: Her last one.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 26, 2011, 04:45:42 PM
Q: What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit?
A: Her last one.
hahahaha  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on July 27, 2011, 02:34:53 PM
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'   (I want this line used at my funeral!)   
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on July 27, 2011, 05:09:27 PM
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

”Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman... Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 01, 2011, 04:18:51 PM
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note
"Off to the grocery store."

He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and
goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and
starts masturbating.

He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her
grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting
there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.

After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he
finds his wife chopping tomatoes.

He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden
you come in. What happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would
rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AzzKikr on August 03, 2011, 10:52:54 AM
http://bit.ly/rdphSv

Have a look! Good laugh!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 03, 2011, 10:58:17 AM
No way am I clicking that link :P
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AzzKikr on August 03, 2011, 11:25:27 AM
No way am I clicking that link :P

Why not? I watched the video before posting, its hilarious!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on August 03, 2011, 11:31:38 AM
Why not? I watched the video before posting, its hilarious!!

'Cause I don't want to be Rick-Rolled :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 03, 2011, 11:32:45 AM
'Cause I don't want to be Rick-Rolled :D

again, you mean again  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AzzKikr on August 03, 2011, 04:07:24 PM
'Cause I don't want to be Rick-Rolled :D

Hahahahaha!!! Brilliant bollywood take on lmfao.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on August 03, 2011, 06:17:10 PM
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on August 04, 2011, 06:36:20 PM
A man out shopping discovers a new brand of condoms—Ol​ympic condoms. Impressed,​ he buys a pack. At home, he informs his wife of his purchase."​Olympic condoms, what makes ‘em so special?""​There are 3 colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver & Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks ."Gold, of course," he says .The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver?""W​hy silver?" asks the man. "Well, it would be nice if you came in 2nd for once...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on August 04, 2011, 07:49:04 PM
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on August 08, 2011, 11:09:04 AM
▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼  ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼
Dammit. I dropped my bag of Doritos ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on August 08, 2011, 11:32:28 AM
▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼  ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼
Dammit. I dropped my bag of Doritos ;D

How did you manage to drop it in the same patern?   :P :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 08, 2011, 06:21:01 PM
An Aussie stockman and his new wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."

The clerk winked, "You want the Bridal?"

The bloke reflected on this for a moment and then replied  "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on August 08, 2011, 06:56:03 PM
When a male bird can't stand his wife's nagging any longer...

mafioso

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on August 15, 2011, 08:47:01 PM
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied “Si Senor.  Sometimes the bull wins!”
   
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on August 15, 2011, 09:04:55 PM
^^^ hahahahaha good one  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on August 15, 2011, 09:28:29 PM
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Biggin Hill air show every year,

And every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid,

And fifty quid is fifty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the air show, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you utter even a word it's fifty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot made all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth……………………….


I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty quid is fifty quid! "
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 16, 2011, 07:41:19 AM
Die ou oom en tannie het so net voor die Runderpes gelewe en aangesien daar nie TV was nie, moes hulle ander maniere van ontspanning soek.

Na die geboorte van hul twaalfde kind was die dokter baie bekommerd oor die tannie se gesondheid en het aanbeveel dat hulle nie meer kinders kry nie.

Oom en tannie het groot geskrik en as voorsorgmaatreel toe maar twee beddens gekry. Aan die begin het dit goed gegaan, maar die onrustigheid het sy kop uitgesteek en daar was baie rondgerol en gesug op daardie twee bedjies.

Een nag kom oom nie slaap nie en het gehoor hoe tannie ook rondrol op haar bed. Op 'n kol probeer hy in die dokter kyk of sy al slaap of nie en hy skrik toe hy sien dat sy hom met groot oe le en staar.

Hy se toe vir haar "Kyjk jy vi my Vrou?"

Sy se toe "Ja, my Man, ek kyjk jou"

Hy vra toe "Maar hoekom kyjk jy my my so, Vrou?"

"Want ek deenk, my Man!" se sy

"Nou wat deenk jy, my Vrou?" vra hy toe

"Ek deenk jy moet maar kom en vi my die doodskoot gee, my Man!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 16, 2011, 11:35:00 AM
Guy walks into a "House of ill repute" and asks a lady "How much for a full house?"

"R300" She replies and he looks through his pockets and comes up with R10. "what can I get for this?" he asks

The lady tells him to wait there and disappears into the back. After a while she comes back with a plastic bag in her hand. She blows the bag up, ties it and hands it to him.

He asks her "Now what is this?" to which she replies "This is what you get for R10, a Blowjob takeaway!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on August 16, 2011, 12:51:03 PM
Boeta is op universiteit en ontmoet ‘n girl wat hy graag aan sy ma-hulle op die plaas wil gaan voorstel. Boeta is biejtie skamerig vir hoe dinge op die plaas is en skryf toe vir sy pa ‘n brief van ‘n paar dingetjies wat hulle asseblief tog net moet regstel voor hulle gaan kuier.
 
“Daar is drie dinge wat pa-hulle tog moet regsien voor ek vir Sannie plaas toe kan vat. Boela is al baie oud en blind en vol vlooie en hy stink. Julle moet asseblief vir Boela uitsit. Dan, daai buite-toilet moet julle asseblief afbreek. Dit is nou die moderne tyd. Mense het deesdae badkamers met toilette binne-in die huis. En die laaste ding – daai foto in die voorhuis van waar pa sit en ma staan moet julle asseblief verwyder. Deesdae staan die man en die vrou sit wanneer fotos geneem word.”
 
Die pa stuur toe die volgende brief terug:
 
“Boeta, toe jy vyf jaar oud was, toe val jy in die dam en Boela het jou gered. So Boela bly. Dan, daai buite-toilet is waar ek elke oggend gaan sit en na die boerdery kyk en planne maak en dit is wat jou op die universiteit hou. So die buite-toilet bly. En laastens. Daai foto van waar pa sit en ma staan is op ons honeymoon geneem. Pa kon nie staan nie en ma kon nie sit nie en dis waar jy vanaf kom” PUNT
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 16, 2011, 02:24:23 PM
Boeta is op universiteit en kom 'n 'ongelukkie' oor met sy meisie. Hy is baie verlief en besluit om te gaan ouers vra op die plaas en dan sommer ook die Nuus oor te dra.

Aangekom op die plaas ontvang die oom en tannie hom hartlik. Die oom vat hom vir n stappie op die werf om alles te sien. By die waenhuis is die werkers besig om die plaasbakkie aan die gang te kry deur hom van die garage se skuinste af te stoot. Oom se:'Daai bakkie van my se battery is pap maar net een stootjie dan vat hy.' Boet se: 'Oom weet,dis nie net Oom se bakkie wat na een stoot vat nie....'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: DRNB on August 16, 2011, 04:07:31 PM
Boeta is op universiteit en kom 'n 'ongelukkie' oor met sy meisie. Hy is baie verlief en besluit om te gaan ouers vra op die plaas en dan sommer ook die Nuus oor te dra.

Aangekom op die plaas ontvang die oom en tannie hom hartlik. Die oom vat hom vir n stappie op die werf om alles te sien. By die waenhuis is die werkers besig om die plaasbakkie aan die gang te kry deur hom van die garage se skuinste af te stoot. Oom se:'Daai bakkie van my se battery is pap maar net een stootjie dan vat hy.' Boet se: 'Oom weet,dis nie net Oom se bakkie wat na een stoot vat nie....'

Whahahaha... loved it
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 17, 2011, 02:28:55 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 19, 2011, 12:26:56 PM
Onderwyser: As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee hasies en nog twee, hoeveel sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe, meneer.
Onderwyser: Nee, luister mooi. As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe.
Onderwyser: Kom ek stel dit anders. As ek vir jou twee appels gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel appels sal jy hê?
Jannie: Ses.
Ondrwyser: Mooi so. Nou as ek vir jou twee hasies gee en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe!
Onderwyser: Hoe op aarde kom jy by sewe uit?
Jannie: Want ek het klaar 'n flipping hasie by die huis, meneer!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on August 20, 2011, 09:14:13 AM
not intended to offend...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Steve Strange on August 23, 2011, 08:27:08 AM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Steve Strange on August 23, 2011, 08:32:13 AM
How to start a fight...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That’s proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........









Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on August 23, 2011, 11:05:38 AM
'n Man ry in sy kar en 'n polisieman trek hom van die pad af.

 "Meneer, het jy enige vuurwapens aan jou?"

 "Ja," se die man. "Ek het 'n 9mil op my heup, 'n 45 op my enkel, 'n .22
onder my sitplek en 'n haelgeweer in die boot."

 "Jislaaik meneer, waarvoor is JY bang?" se die polisieman.

 "Nada - Pappie, Nada!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 23, 2011, 11:37:16 AM
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: LAV on August 23, 2011, 11:40:19 AM
not intended to offend...
Ja, watch it, you'll end up in trouble like Zapiro  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on August 23, 2011, 06:47:55 PM
A funeral is being held for a lady who just passed away. At the end the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for 10 more yrs, & then dies. Again, a ceremony is held, & the pall bearers are again carrying the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'WATCH THAT WALL!!!'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on August 24, 2011, 02:24:35 PM
Friday in the 3rd Reich...

http://youtu.be/24yUUHYlJEI
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on August 24, 2011, 04:18:18 PM
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two coeds were just
hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and
panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would
reveal her secret to her room mate. "Take a break," Abby said to her
friend, "Come over here and sit down."

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on
the lips. "I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda
hard to say this... Well, let me be frank."

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice: "No
darling... Let me be Frank."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on August 24, 2011, 04:25:38 PM
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two coeds were just
hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and
panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would
reveal her secret to her room mate. "Take a break," Abby said to her
friend, "Come over here and sit down."

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on
the lips. "I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda
hard to say this... Well, let me be frank."

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice: "No
darling... Let me be Frank."

i've seen this movie...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: dotVIBE on August 25, 2011, 11:49:09 AM
       A male fairy tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry me?

The Princess said, No!!!   And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and banged sexy long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and
fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age
and drank whisky, beer and Bundy and coke and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and ate spam and
potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was as cool
as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

                                                    The end.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on August 25, 2011, 02:07:47 PM
Two blondes sitting in a Coffee Shop. One asks: "Did you come on the Bus today?"

"Yes, but I made it look like an Asthma Attack...".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on August 25, 2011, 05:14:18 PM
Two blondes sitting in a Coffee Shop. One asks: "Did you come on the Bus today?"

"Yes, but I made it look like an Asthma Attack...".

bwahahahahahaah   :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 26, 2011, 08:42:03 AM
The teacher asks Johnny "What comes after 69?"

He answers "Preferably mouthwash, Miss"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 26, 2011, 08:43:52 AM
Two Free State farmers are travelling in the Bus lane in JHB when a traffic cop pulls them over.

He goes to the driver's side and said "Hey Wena, you are riding in the bus lane!"

The driver looks at him and says "Well, I am baas Jan and that is baas Ben...."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on August 26, 2011, 08:44:35 AM
What's an Australian kiss?

The same as a French kiss, but Down Under......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on August 26, 2011, 07:49:47 PM
Why does Australians love tall grass in the field?


Then nobody can see them shag sheep.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on August 26, 2011, 09:13:53 PM
What do Australians call a sheep dog??

A pimp ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on August 31, 2011, 01:54:25 PM
Die slot gryp n skrumskakel in n kroeg. Skrumskakel se vir slot. " Pasop,gif kom in klein botteltjies!" Slot se "My maat,ek gaan jou nie drink nie,ek gaan jou p**s! "
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on August 31, 2011, 01:56:44 PM
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on August 31, 2011, 01:58:55 PM
Old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. He saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence.
 
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!".

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked....Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 01, 2011, 03:13:33 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 01, 2011, 03:45:08 PM
Gatiep en Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n polisie man

Gatiep sê "Sit die snoek onder jou rok!"

Maraai sê "Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"

Gatiep sê vir Maraai "Drukkie snoek se nies toe!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 01, 2011, 04:23:07 PM
^^^ LOL !!  :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 04, 2011, 06:30:20 PM
Why I stopped playing golf  ;D ;D

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WD on September 06, 2011, 01:22:03 PM

An Idiot's Guide to Singing The SA National Anthem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XGUUmfb_Ac&feature=share

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on September 06, 2011, 01:42:34 PM
An Idiot's Guide to Singing The SA National Anthem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XGUUmfb_Ac&feature=share



Haha, a friend of mine was involved in that little project...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 06, 2011, 02:42:26 PM
:)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 06, 2011, 02:44:51 PM
nice and honest secondhand bmw ad.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 06, 2011, 04:11:06 PM
Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep
warm. This way they covered and Protected themselves; but the quills of
each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and
they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either
accept the quills of their Companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live
with the little wounds caused by the close Relationship with their
companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way
they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people,
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others
and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on September 06, 2011, 07:21:41 PM
:-)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on September 07, 2011, 02:56:12 PM
n blond van Brakpan aan vriendin in die kar: Ek dink die kinders in die kar langsaan is seker van Rusland of iewers af.

Hoekom??

Hulle skryf op die wasem van die venster: ….eteit uoj sno syW
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 09, 2011, 12:55:28 PM
'n Bergie val flou voor Liqour Town

'n Vrou skree "Gee hom 'n lemoen, dit sal help"

Boemelaar: "boggerof man! As ek 'n lamoen wou hê, het ek voor Fruit & Veg
flou geword!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 09, 2011, 12:56:38 PM
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "flip it, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 09, 2011, 03:24:17 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on September 09, 2011, 04:24:22 PM
3 surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded." The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on September 09, 2011, 08:48:48 PM
Love me some moti's  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: slyr on September 09, 2011, 09:05:58 PM
so much of lol ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on September 12, 2011, 09:30:50 PM
Old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. He saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence.
 
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!".

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked....Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator"

I am rolling............hahahahahhhHHHHAA
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on September 14, 2011, 04:53:12 PM
For my fellow nerds:


A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 15, 2011, 08:26:44 AM
For my fellow nerds:


A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;
:D

Should be : while(!asleep(), sheep++);
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on September 15, 2011, 10:31:51 AM
For my fellow nerds:


A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;
:D

Should be : while(!asleep(), sheep++);

Should've read: 'For my fellow smartasses'
;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Eendstop on September 20, 2011, 10:45:43 AM
New type of gun used my mine security - will make a midget out you :D

From a real police docket - received from a friend who is with SAPS:

complainant was at XXXXXXX mine to collect woods and he had argument with a lady at the mine the security chase him away and complainant went and suddenly the security took out short gun and short the complainant on both legs and was admitted at XXXXXXXX hospital the is no arrest yet
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Andrew on September 20, 2011, 03:08:46 PM
New type of gun used my mine security - will make a midget out you :D

From a real police docket - received from a friend who is with SAPS:

complainant was at XXXXXXX mine to collect woods and he had argument with a lady at the mine the security chase him away and complainant went and suddenly the security took out short gun and short the complainant on both legs and was admitted at XXXXXXXX hospital the is no arrest yet

Mercy! Reminds me of my time in the cops, many moons ago. We got a call of a break in in progress at a local shopping centre, so went through at great speed, but one of the other patrol cars got there first, surprised the guys, and when they tried to make a run for it, the officer let rip with his 9mm (these were the um, Bad Old Days, where we could shoot). The guys promptly surrendered and were bundled into the back of the van while we went off to examine the building to see if there were anymore inside.

We'd pretty much just got inside the building when my partner let off a string of curses, telling me he'd just realised he hadn't locked the door to the van. We rushed back, expecting to find the cage long empty, but found to the two guys still sitting there, very quietly. My partner asked them in disbelief why they hadn't run away, to which one of them responded with a look of horror, saying, "Are you mad?! You've just tried to kill us!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on September 20, 2011, 03:14:52 PM
Mercy! Reminds me of my time in the cops, many moons ago. We got a call of a break in in progress at a local shopping centre, so went through at great speed, but one of the other patrol cars got there first, surprised the guys, and when they tried to make a run for it, the officer let rip with his 9mm (these were the um, Bad Old Days, where we could shoot). The guys promptly surrendered and were bundled into the back of the van while we went off to examine the building to see if there were anymore inside.

We'd pretty much just got inside the building when my partner let off a string of curses, telling me he'd just realised he hadn't locked the door to the van. We rushed back, expecting to find the cage long empty, but found to the two guys still sitting there, very quietly. My partner asked them in disbelief why they hadn't run away, to which one of them responded with a look of horror, saying, "Are you mad?! You've just tried to kill us!"


sien, dit het mos nou gewerk.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Eendstop on September 20, 2011, 04:33:01 PM
Dieselfde vriend vertel: dis 1 maand Afrikaans en een maand Engels gewees in die Polieste. Nou skryf hy in die voorvalleboek na hy 'n klagte bywoon waar mielies gesteel was: Theft of Corn. Sersant: NEE! Corn is koring. Pottie: Nee Sers. Koring is wheat. Sers; NEE! Wheat (weed) is bossies!.....  :D .Eina my eelte!

Nog een van hom: Hy woon in Pellissier, Bloemfontein daardie jare, in Vier Perdewastraat nommer 5. Nou stop die spietkop hom en vra sy adres. Hy gee die straatnaam; die spietkop skryf 4 Perdewastraat, en vra nommer? Pottie:  Nommer 5; Spietkop: 4 5 Perdewastraat; watter nommer? Pottie: nee, Vier Perdewastraat. Spietkop: 4 5 4 Perdewastraat.......

Blykbaar so aangehou vir 'n wyle ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: MorneDJ on September 23, 2011, 07:10:29 AM
Why do we really love rugby and support the Springbokke ...

(http://www.menco.co.za/Jokes/Dsc00185.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on September 23, 2011, 08:36:30 AM
Who's the biggest points scorer? ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on September 24, 2011, 07:48:02 PM
(http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/ewxrdtcvyoi+ust7idalvkjclw+uvh+n+pvoinj_025274_456155.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on September 24, 2011, 09:34:20 PM
^^^ speechless?  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 25, 2011, 11:16:12 AM
^^^ speechless?  ;)
LOL and I still dont get it  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on September 26, 2011, 01:38:02 PM
Who's the biggest points scorer? ;D

The guy looking at the "points" ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on September 26, 2011, 01:47:57 PM
The guy looking at the "points" ;D

Everyone else is looking to their right, but this guy just can't take his eyes of the 'points'.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on September 26, 2011, 03:51:26 PM
The guy looking at the "points" ;D

Nah, he'll never score - it's the one with a point under his arm already :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 27, 2011, 02:58:42 PM
My girlfriend likes sticking her tits in my face, then asking for something
really expensive.

She inevitably get what she wants.

This, my friends, is what is known as a booby trap.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 27, 2011, 03:24:11 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 28, 2011, 12:18:26 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 28, 2011, 01:24:41 PM
A guy standing at a bar and a beautiful woman is besides him. He leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What?...I'm small and cute?"
He says "No. Ill probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 28, 2011, 03:23:20 PM
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,with a
plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come Out
here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle When we
had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in
the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.'

'The Doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my
legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks
Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that

My uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the

Advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body
onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be

walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts
From the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you
going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Juggy on October 03, 2011, 04:08:01 PM
(http://www.550.co.za/asshole_cop.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on October 03, 2011, 04:52:55 PM
Now I wonder... was that graffiti sprayed on before or during...?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 03, 2011, 10:45:25 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: " No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and with his legs apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think".

The first student said: "I think it's Peltry Syndrome".

The old man said: "You thought...but you are wrong".

The other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome".

The old man said: "You thought...but you are both wrong".

So, they asked him" Well, oldtimer, What DO you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was a fart...but I was wrong too!"

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 04, 2011, 07:55:19 AM
The old man said: "I thought it was a fart...but I was wrong too!"

...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 06, 2011, 03:55:38 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Juggy on October 06, 2011, 04:39:58 PM
And that's an SA cell number as well.

Eish
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kent Kassler on October 09, 2011, 12:16:46 PM
Newsflash!!!De Villiers resigns....Grucock and Pocock rally to take up the reigns behind South Africa!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on October 09, 2011, 10:50:22 PM
Die seun gaan universiteit toe, en huur 'n woonstel saam met 'n pragtige blonde student.
Ma kom kuier af die plaas, en toe sy die blond sien weet sy hier is moeilkheid.
Die mannetjie sweer hoog en laag hulle is net woonstelmaats, maar ma wonder maar.

Kort na die moeder se vertrek vra die blond die outjie of hy nie die suikerpot gesien het nie, dit is weg sedert sy ma se vertrek. Hy wil sy ma nie vals beskuldig nie en skryf toe so diplomaties as moontlik vir ma 'n email.
"Ek se^ nie ma het die suikerpot gevat nie, ek se^ ook nie ma het dit nie gevat nie, maar sedert Ma hier weg is is die suikerpot missing. Weet ma dalk waar is dit?"

Sy antwoord na so paar dae:
"Ek se^ nie jy slaap met daai meisie nie, ek se^ ook nie dat jy nie met haar slaap nie, maar as sy in haar eie bed geslaap het sou sy die suikerpot in haar bed gekry het!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on October 10, 2011, 12:38:46 PM
Clever, and so authentic!

My boere- old lady would have done just that :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: scottl1976 on October 10, 2011, 05:03:17 PM
Sorry to mention the rugby.... :'(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2oJlaPyU8o&sns=em
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on October 10, 2011, 05:20:03 PM
 ;D ;D
A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 12, 2011, 06:55:47 AM
An Afrikaans one ;D

Jannie is 6 jaar oud en sy ouma vra hom om haar te help om 'n setpil in te sit. Sy trek toe haar broek af en buk vorentoe en Jannie gaan staan agter haar en kyk die storie eers uit. Toe vra hy "Ouma, moet ek die pil in die bruin oog druk of vir die kalkoen voer?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on October 12, 2011, 07:21:45 AM
^^^ eeewww, is there a puke emoticon  :-\
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 12, 2011, 07:36:27 AM
^^^ eeewww, is there a puke emoticon  :-\

Why? You don't like turkey? ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on October 12, 2011, 08:18:55 AM
Well, thanks for that mental image.....:p
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 12, 2011, 09:25:50 AM
Q: What do you call 22 guys watching the RWC 2011 Final at home?

A: The Springboks
         

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 12, 2011, 09:32:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on October 12, 2011, 12:47:51 PM
Just for the aussies....

(http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/6838/11542184.png) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/8/11542184.png/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 13, 2011, 08:01:21 AM
Wife with PMS asks her husband "Would you like something for supper" He answers "What are the choices?"

Upon which she says "Yes or F **** ing No!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on October 13, 2011, 09:07:21 AM
Wife with PMS asks her husband "Would you like something for supper" He answers "What are the choices?"

Upon which she says "Yes or F **** ing No!"

I hope Martin is paying attention.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on October 14, 2011, 07:55:09 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on October 14, 2011, 08:59:57 PM
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on October 15, 2011, 08:11:56 AM
pic says it all
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 15, 2011, 01:44:14 PM
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession passing by.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 20metres behind the first hearse. Behind the second hearse walked a man with a dog on its leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The bloke with the coffee couldn't control his curiosity and respectfully approached the man with the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you but I have never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is this?"

"My wife's".

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He enquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her as well."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line! You are number 201".

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on October 15, 2011, 02:42:15 PM
Andre, how often does Mrs. Mafiosa visit this board?  ;D


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on October 15, 2011, 10:14:39 PM
Andre, how often does Mrs. Mafiosa visit this board?  ;D


-F_D
Not often, I imagine. ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 16, 2011, 12:10:07 AM
Guffaw...snortle & chortle ;D

I lock the door. And there's a sign on the outside "No Admittance" ;)

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 17, 2011, 10:39:39 PM
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a baboon laying dead in the road - a half-eaten Woolworths roti in his hand. Being a compassionate animal lover, the priest drives to the nearest police station to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughs and says "Did you give it the last rites?"

"No" said the priest, "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 18, 2011, 02:02:24 PM
Andre, how often does Mrs. Mafiosa visit this board?  ;D

Possibly she also has that commodity that Capetownians seem to inherit, a sense of humour?  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 18, 2011, 03:02:48 PM
Ja, well. I think she's on the way to getting a hiatus hernia from laughing. And she knows nothing about audio or forums. I once sent her for lessons at my sister's place. To learn how to service the lawnmower and to cut the lawn. I'm very surprised she doesn't like that either.

Give the moll a mall. Any mall, anywhere and anytime. That's what she likes.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on October 18, 2011, 04:05:44 PM
mafioso, some people on the forum still have not learned that you can wield wit and sarcasm with razor sharp effect. ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 18, 2011, 08:55:53 PM
Ag, no Audio Bug. That compliment should be given to JDZA and several other members I can think of.

I just enjoy the forum and its laid back and cordial atmosphere ;)

Regards

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on October 19, 2011, 08:08:07 AM
I just enjoy the forum and its laid back and cordial atmosphere ;)

 Minora blade, Minora blade ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on October 19, 2011, 12:48:59 PM
Elke oggend betree die trotse hoenderhaan die hoenderhok.   Saggies soen hy nege van tien henne. Maar van die tiende hoenderhen pluk hy 'n veer. So gaan dit aan van dag tot dag.... die nege gesoende hoenders is bly, en die tiende hoender dra die pyn geduldig.
 
Maar op die 14de dag  het die  hoenderhen nou genoeg van hierdie prosedure  gehad en sy skree vir die haan:  "Jy kom elke oggend breëbors  hier ingestap en soen  al die nege ander henne.
 
Maar by my pluk jy  'n veer! Wats jou plan??“
 
Die haan fluister in haar oor:
.
.
..“Vir jou wil ek kaalgat sien Skattie!“
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 19, 2011, 01:37:13 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Prince on October 21, 2011, 11:40:07 AM
-ROFL!!!

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 21, 2011, 02:35:33 PM
 :-[
(http://www.jokeoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/i-meet-mib-500x485.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on October 25, 2011, 08:19:58 AM
Hoekom drink brakpan ouens so baie by 'n braai? Sodat hulle kinders nie kan ruik hulle he geeet nie.


Brakpan girl se ma op die aand van haar troue:"My kind jy weet dat Hendrik vanaand sy kosbaarste besittings gan wil insit waar jy piepie?Dogter:"ag Ma hou op kak praat,hoe gaan hy sy Escort in die wasbak kry.................



'n Hoog gerookte hippie kruip in die middel van die treinspoor rond. Polisie ou sien die ou en stap nader en vra..wat de donder doen jy?? Hippie antwoord, ag dankie tog! Help my net van die flipping leer af asb!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on October 25, 2011, 08:37:30 AM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. 

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" 

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. 

About that time, the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. 

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" 

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.... 

"Holy sh1t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 30, 2011, 11:38:43 PM
I suppose this will be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A famous cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked at for most of his life.

A huge heart...bedecked with flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all his colleagues sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the late cardiologist in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners started to laugh uncontrollably. When all eyes stared at him he said "I'm so sorry...I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!"

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on November 04, 2011, 10:04:30 AM
Sipho walks into a store , pulls out a gun and says to the storekeeper ' Give me all your money or you are geograyhy ! '
Storekeeper says " You mean History "
Sipho " Hey wena, dont change the subject!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on November 09, 2011, 02:12:37 PM
I was going to post a gay joke...











butt fu ck it...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: cybasoul on November 10, 2011, 09:48:05 AM
Sipho walks into a store , pulls out a gun and says to the storekeeper ' Give me all your money or you are geograyhy ! '
Storekeeper says " You mean History "
Sipho " Hey wena, dont change the subject!"

Lol  :D.
But why doest it have to be Sipho? Sipho has to be the most used black name in jokes and literature, period. Do anyone remember Benny and Betty?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on November 10, 2011, 09:54:06 AM
Benny and Betty?

No.

van der Merwe - Yes
Johnny - Yes
Gamatjie en Abdoltjie - Yes
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 10, 2011, 10:32:29 AM
No.

van der Merwe - Yes
Johnny - Yes
Gamatjie en Abdoltjie - Yes
I'm also sick of my name coming up in jokes all the time.                                           
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on November 10, 2011, 11:53:03 AM
A new Business Opportunity - Why didn't the U.S. Govt. think of this?
A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
Business is doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on November 10, 2011, 12:13:04 PM
A new Business Opportunity - Why didn't the U.S. Govt. think of this?
A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
Business is doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
SIES


 :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on November 10, 2011, 04:03:13 PM
 ;D
(http://files.sharenator.com/Really_Old_Pic_of_Me_Vehement_Picdump_3_w_story-s500x487-260190-580.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on November 12, 2011, 06:40:31 AM
It occurs to me........
With 2 daughters sitting at the back of the car I get backseat driving in perfect stereo!
Ish
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on November 12, 2011, 01:10:01 PM
Woman on the ohone to Husband " Where the hell are you. You were supposed to be home 2 hours ago '

Husband " Do you remember a few months ago we were looking at a necklace in a jewellery store and you liked it very much but I did not have the money to buy it? '"

Woman " Of course  remember ,my love'

Huaband ' Wel I am in the pub right next to it "

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on November 16, 2011, 03:10:42 PM
(http://i44.tinypic.com/25g9jrt.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on November 16, 2011, 04:00:29 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/ehlk76.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 16, 2011, 04:07:05 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/ehlk76.jpg)

I almost killed myself...LMFAO

What is the difference between a Brakpan chick and a mosquito?
If you hit the mosquito it stops sucking...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on November 16, 2011, 06:00:00 PM
^^^ hahahaha  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on November 16, 2011, 09:31:32 PM
​What do you call 2 gingers fighting?



Wortel Kombat.
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on November 16, 2011, 09:49:28 PM
​What do you call 2 gingers fighting?



Wortel Kombat.
 ;D
:D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cirr on November 17, 2011, 06:53:55 AM
Don`t spot us Brakpanners,please.

I once saw a friend of mine, get arrested for drunk driving on a pavement,with a lawnmower,on a Sunday morning,
because the sparks from the pavement cement bothered the neighbors-true story :o ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 17, 2011, 01:04:38 PM
/\ /\ ;D      Coffee really makes you aggressive. Last night I had 12 double brandy and cokes. My wife had 2 coffees. You should have seen how die moer in she was!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 17, 2011, 01:12:15 PM
/\ /\ ;D      Coffee really makes you aggressive. Last night I had 12 double brandy and cokes. My wife had 2 coffees. You should have seen how die moer in she was!

I like that one...LOL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 17, 2011, 01:38:49 PM
A woman in labour is screaming at her husband. He says "Hey, don't blame
me. I wanted to put it in your ass. But Nooo, you thought THAT MIGHT HURT
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 17, 2011, 01:39:47 PM
n Depressed hipster chick in Kaapstad besluit om haar lewe te eindig deur by die hawe dramaties in die see in te spring. Daar aangekom is daar 'n matroos wat sien sy staan en tjank en sy vertel hom van haar depressie.
"Check, jy het baie om voor te lewe. My skip gaan more Amerika toe en ek kan jou wegsteek. As jy in Amerika nogsteeds wil selfmoord pleeg kan ek jou seker nie keer nie, maar gee die lewe nog een kans op 'n nuwe kontinent". Hy voeg ook by: "Ek sal mooi na jou kyk en elke dag vir jou kos bring in jou wegkruipplek. Ek hou jou happy en jy hou my happy" tune hy met 'n knipoog en streel oor haar boud.
Die chick stem in op die deal en later die aand steek die matroos haar weg in een van die lifeboats. Elke aand bring hy vir haar vrugte en broodjies en dan naai hulle dat die manbotter spat.
Drie weke later ontdek die kaptein haar toevallig met 'n ongereelde inspeksie van sy skip: "En waddefok gaan hier aan?" vra hy vir die chick.
"Ek het 'n deal met een van die matrose", antwoord sy skaam terug, kop onderstebo. "Hy smokkel my Amerika toe en in ruil daarvoor laat ek dat hy my naai"
Die kaptein antwoord terug: "Hy is verfokken seker besig om jou te naai. Hierdie is die ferry wat elke dag Robben Eiland toe gaan!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 17, 2011, 01:42:05 PM
Ons afrikaners is snaakse mense. As ons depressed voel dan suip ons, as ons iets wil celebrate dan suip ons, as ons niks het om te doen nie dan suip ons...daar is groot fout mense. Bring saterdag jou dop dan praat ons hieroor!



Ou tannie gaan tandarts toe, klim op stoel en maak haar bene wyd oop. Tandarts se, "Tannie jy is by die verkeerde dokter!!!" Tannie se, "SHUT UP, en haal die oom se tanne uit!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 18, 2011, 12:32:14 PM
Hehehe
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 21, 2011, 03:50:56 PM
Two  buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar  when
suddenly  Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no...  Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says,  'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and  tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave  you
twenty  dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they  stay for another couple of hours and get even  drunker.


Eventually  Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad  time.
'You reek  of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My  God,
you're  disgusting!'


Speaking  very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry  says,
Nowainaminit,  I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I  only
had a cupla  drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had  one
too many  and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was  berry
sorry an'  gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning  bill!'


His wife  looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty  bucks...'


'Oh,  yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants,  too.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cirr on November 21, 2011, 08:41:35 PM
How do you know the baby was born in the East Rand?
The incubator has tinted windows.

How do you drop your car`s suspension in the East Rand?
You invite your girlfriend for a ride.

What`s the difference between a Boksburg Sewage dam and other town`s sewage dams?
The Boksburg one has a diving board.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 21, 2011, 10:55:54 PM
How do you know the baby was born in the East Rand?
The incubator has tinted windows.

How do you drop your car`s suspension in the East Rand?
You invite your girlfriend for a ride.

What`s the difference between a Boksburg Sewage dam and other town`s sewage dams?
The Boksburg one has a diving board.
I applaud you sir - being from the East Rand yourself.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 22, 2011, 09:17:29 AM
Vrou in bed saam met ha man se beste pel...
Foon lui: "Hallo, ok my skat... Nee alles reg... Geniet dit!... Sien jou more, bye!"
"Wie was dit?" vra die man se pel... "My man, hy se Hy en Jy vang lekker vis by Sodwana!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 22, 2011, 09:22:03 AM
Boss : Name please?
Man : Abdul
Boss : Sex ?
Man : Yes. 3 to 5 times a week!
Boss : No, no . . . I mean, male or Female?
Man : Both male & female & sometimes with Camel.
Boss : Holy cow!
Man : YEs , I did one time with a cow too.
Boss : But isn't dat hostile ?
Man : Horse style , doggy style, any style!
Boss : Oh Dear!
Man ; No deer . . .deer Run too fast!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 22, 2011, 10:02:28 AM
Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking, you have to stick it into a handicaped one.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 22, 2011, 11:20:03 AM
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat, butter facing up. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Confucius say:
- fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
- man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
- man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
- man who screws near graveyard is flipping near dead.
- man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
- man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a smelly finger
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 22, 2011, 11:34:37 AM
Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking, you have to stick it into a handicaped one.

Hehehe
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on November 22, 2011, 08:02:10 PM
Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking, you have to stick it into a handicaped one.
Bwahahahahahaha  ;D ;D ;D

See your joke and raise you this one..  :D :D

Woman are like prawns..their heads are full of sh1t but the pink bits are actually quite lekker.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 23, 2011, 02:24:42 PM
Bwahahahahahaha  ;D ;D ;D

See your joke and raise you this one..  :D :D

Woman are like prawns..their heads are full of sh1t but the pink bits are actually quite lekker.

LOL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on November 24, 2011, 12:38:39 AM
Old van der Merwe took his missus to the local Spar. As they entered the parking lot, Van's Cressida broke down.

Being a keen diy mechanic, Van told his missus to go and buy whatever she wanted from the shop while he fixed their car.

About an hour later, Mrs Van approached their car, only to see a small crowd gathered around.  As she came nearer, she spotted a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car.  Upon closer inspection, she saw that the bloke's family jewels was on public display as he wore no underwear.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she stepped forward, put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On getting up and looking across the bonnet of their car, she found herself staring at her husband.

The AA bloke under Van's car required stitches from cuts on the head and suffered two broken elbows.

mafioso 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cirr on November 24, 2011, 09:04:09 AM
Are parents in Brakpan still brother and sister, after they`ve divorced?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on November 24, 2011, 09:26:02 AM
Old van der Merwe took his missus to the local Spar. As they entered the parking lot, Van's Cressida broke down.

Being a keen diy mechanic, Van told his missus to go and buy whatever she wanted from the shop while he fixed their car.

About an hour later, Mrs Van approached their car, only to see a small crowd gathered around.  As she came nearer, she spotted a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car.  Upon closer inspection, she saw that the bloke's family jewels was on public display as he wore no underwear.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she stepped forward, put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On getting up and looking across the bonnet of their car, she found herself staring at her husband.

The AA bloke under Van's car required stitches from cuts on the head and suffered two broken elbows.

mafioso

ROFLMFAO... Good one :-)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: cybasoul on November 24, 2011, 02:18:12 PM
Are parents in Brakpan still brother and sister, after they`ve divorced?
Thats below the belt
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on November 24, 2011, 03:52:30 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgg/faceless.527.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on November 27, 2011, 03:23:05 PM
Some more Confucius say :

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants
the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut
Man with hard problem usually give it to woman.
Wise man buy prunes...get good run for money
The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.

 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on November 28, 2011, 09:52:24 AM
And...
Man who take girl to park has piece on earth.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: VALVAGLO on November 28, 2011, 10:50:25 AM
Man who walk through swinging doors at airport is going to Bangkok
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on November 28, 2011, 11:11:37 AM
Correction:

Naked man walking through sliding doors at airport is going to Bangkok ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 28, 2011, 11:27:01 AM
...Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Girl who sits on judge's lap, get honorable discharge.

It's good to meet girl in park, it's better to park meat in girl.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on November 28, 2011, 04:17:59 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 29, 2011, 10:52:40 PM
 :D :D
A good one worth telling again!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on November 30, 2011, 12:57:05 PM
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'


The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on December 01, 2011, 03:01:05 PM
Meraai doen aansoek vir werk.
Eienaar vra by die onderhoud :  Het jy tik geneem op skool?
Meraai:  Nei jirre Meneer, daai djarre wassit nog net papsak en dagga.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: MorneDJ on December 02, 2011, 07:01:14 AM
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on December 02, 2011, 08:47:03 AM
Two homosexuals walk through a zoo.

They come across the gorillas and after a while, they notice that the male
gorilla has a massive erection.

They are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer
and reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six
nonstop hours.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

The next day, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you
hurt?"

"Am I hurt?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called. He hasn't
written. He hasn't sent flowers. He hasn't..."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on December 02, 2011, 09:25:07 AM
A guy comes home and finds his wife in bed with one of his best mates.
So he pulles out gun and shoots his friend.
Wife says 'Ja, you carry on like this . Soon you will have no friends left '

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on December 04, 2011, 08:10:54 PM
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.

"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"

"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"

"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."

"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well... with my head on the backspace key."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on December 04, 2011, 08:31:52 PM
Son's reply to dad's punishment :

Dad: When I beat u, how do u control your anger?

son: I start cleaning the toilet.

Dad: ok, how does it satisfy you?

Son:I clean with your toothbrush.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on December 05, 2011, 01:23:58 PM
"No, I slept perfectly well... with my head on the backspace key."

Off course something factually wrong here ;) If he tested and debugged his program, he had to save it at some point.......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on December 07, 2011, 07:25:52 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtUfaA6JnMI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtUfaA6JnMI)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WD on December 08, 2011, 12:56:48 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtUfaA6JnMI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtUfaA6JnMI)

And this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmj_FhPnas4&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on December 08, 2011, 10:17:51 AM
Paddy gets arrested for the 10th time for beating up his wife.
Exasperated Judge says "Why do you keep beating your wife? ''
Paddy '' I think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: --------- on December 08, 2011, 10:43:52 AM
^^^^ Good one, ish. :) :)

Headine in the Irish Daily Telegraph: 'The skeleton found in the ceiling of a Dublin house last week has been identified as belonging to Paddy O'Connel, a finalist in the 1840 hide-and-go-seek competition'.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on December 08, 2011, 10:46:10 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on December 08, 2011, 10:52:25 AM
Paddy gets arrested for the 10th time for beating up his wife.
Exasperated Judge says "Why do you keep beating your wife? ''
Paddy '' I think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ''

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on December 08, 2011, 03:53:16 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/21jmwwx.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on December 09, 2011, 09:08:51 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 

Well, for example, the other day, Bev, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

 

I called him an �a--hole� . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a �s--t head�.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

 

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on December 12, 2011, 03:47:53 PM
A woman driver crashes into another bakkie.
As she gets out of her car she sees that the driver of the bakkie approaching her is a midget
He stomps his foot and says  '' I am NOT happy!!''
She replies with a giggle '''Which one are you then? ''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on December 16, 2011, 08:08:48 AM
Predictive texting:
(http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/surprise-mom.jpg)
(http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/first-date.jpg)
(http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/drinking-coke.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on December 16, 2011, 09:04:59 PM
 ;D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on December 17, 2011, 08:26:32 PM
 ;D ;D Gotta love the predictive text  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on December 31, 2011, 11:16:42 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2339/2335178061_4d6b5dc594.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 31, 2011, 11:21:36 AM
Mods, do we allow this depiction of adultery and fornication ? ::) ;) further leading to the moral decay of this here forum ;D

Kak funny though ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on December 31, 2011, 11:23:10 AM
^^^ No love you long time 5 dollar with happy ending there.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 31, 2011, 11:25:36 AM
^^^ No love you long time 5 dollar with happy ending there.

Prostitution ?!?!? here ?!?! ban this mothertrucker ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 01, 2012, 06:42:42 PM
 :) :) :)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 04, 2012, 08:08:03 AM
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth" he
says to  the owner of the farm.

What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth."says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks
up
the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner
Picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.


"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the
owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show
him the horses ears.


"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horses kitty. He holds him there for a
couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.


The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that...Can  I thee her wun awound?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 06, 2012, 03:41:49 PM
A blonde calls up her boyfirend and asks him to come right over, she's got a jigsaw puzzle that she's really battling with and doesn't know where to start.

The bloke rocks up and walks to the table and picks up the box to have a look at the picture. He puts it down and says to his girlfriend:

You go and relax on the chair and I'll clean up the corn flakes

 ;D

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on January 06, 2012, 04:03:43 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Not quite what I expected, but I had a good chuckle!  ;)


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 06, 2012, 09:16:01 PM
The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 07, 2012, 07:59:03 AM
;D ;D ;D

Not quite what I expected,
-F_D

From me, i'm sure ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 12, 2012, 07:44:43 PM
A boy meets his girlfriends parents one night,her dad took the lad to one side and said "if you hurt her you'll have me to answer to ok"The lad said "its highly unlikely to happen as i i've only got a small dick and she has an arsehole like a hippo's yawn.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on January 13, 2012, 07:42:40 AM
hippo's yawn.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 17, 2012, 10:34:42 AM
A blokes wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

 
 
  He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

 Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

 
 
 The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

 
 
  'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

 
 
 The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

 
 
  Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little
cleft in the reef.

 
 
 He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

 
 
 The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

 
 
   The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to
her, so we've brought you your share.'

 
 
 He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or
five crabs in it.

 'Geez thanks.  They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

 
 
  So what's the other possible good news?

 
 
 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again !!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on January 17, 2012, 10:53:52 AM
WHAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 18, 2012, 10:43:55 PM
How can you tell if your wife loves you as much as your dog?

 


Lock them both in the boot of the car and see which one is pleased to see you after 30 minutes.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 19, 2012, 05:10:04 PM
^^^ LOL  ;D ;D even Mrs CAD smiled at this
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on January 20, 2012, 06:54:42 AM
What do you call an Indian guy who bought a net flat screen TV?
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
H.D. Reddy
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on January 21, 2012, 06:58:34 PM
Ek het die afgelope vakansie 'n interresante episode beleef:

Nadat ons terug was by die huis, het my tuinhulp van baie jare ook toe
so twee weke se verlof gekry.

Dit het natuurlik beteken dat ekself weer agter die grassnyer moes inskuif.

Die Saterdag-oggend was ek in my oudste PT-broek en T-shirt besig om die gras op die sypaadjie voor ons huis te sny,
en ek was haastig en wou die job ordentlik en gou afgehandel kry. Ek was nie lus om vir 'n nuwe voornemende tuinhulp
te verduidelik hoe die gras gesny moes word nie.

Maar soos dit maar altyd gaan: As jy niemand nodig het nie, dan daag al die hulp in die wereld op. Elkeen wil weet of hy
nie 'n piece-job vir die dag kan kry nie. Toe die vierde een opdaag en hande in die sakke staan en vra of hy 'n piece-job
kan kry, toe verloop die gesprek omtrent soos volg:

Hy: "Ek ken hom die sny van die gras, ek soek die job"
Ek: "Sorry man, ek bly nie hier nie, ek werk net vir die mense wat hier binne bly."
Hy: "Hau, die mense hulle employ 'n whitey by die tuin"
Ek: "Ja, en hulle gee nie eers kos by lunchtime nie."

Einde van die storie was, dat hy sy pakkie Kent sigarette uithaal, en my een aanbied.
Ek vat toe een, en hy steek hom vir my aan. Ek vat so drie trekke, nip die outjie, en
sit die stompie agter my oor.

So met die wegstap was sy laaste woorde: "Die ANC het alles kom opf...k.


 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: LAV on January 21, 2012, 07:42:40 PM

 
 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again !!!!
Brilliant, hahaha! ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on January 22, 2012, 12:02:43 AM
Ek het die afgelope vakansie 'n interresante episode beleef:

Nadat ons terug was by die huis, het my tuinhulp van baie jare ook toe
so twee weke se verlof gekry.

Dit het natuurlik beteken dat ekself weer agter die grassnyer moes inskuif.

Die Saterdag-oggend was ek in my oudste PT-broek en T-shirt besig om die gras op die sypaadjie voor ons huis te sny,
en ek was haastig en wou die job ordentlik en gou afgehandel kry. Ek was nie lus om vir 'n nuwe voornemende tuinhulp
te verduidelik hoe die gras gesny moes word nie.

Maar soos dit maar altyd gaan: As jy niemand nodig het nie, dan daag al die hulp in die wereld op. Elkeen wil weet of hy
nie 'n piece-job vir die dag kan kry nie. Toe die vierde een opdaag en hande in die sakke staan en vra of hy 'n piece-job
kan kry, toe verloop die gesprek omtrent soos volg:

Hy: "Ek ken hom die sny van die gras, ek soek die job"
Ek: "Sorry man, ek bly nie hier nie, ek werk net vir die mense wat hier binne bly."
Hy: "Hau, die mense hulle employ 'n whitey by die tuin"
Ek: "Ja, en hulle gee nie eers kos by lunchtime nie."

Einde van die storie was, dat hy sy pakkie Kent sigarette uithaal, en my een aanbied.
Ek vat toe een, en hy steek hom vir my aan. Ek vat so drie trekke, nip die outjie, en
sit die stompie agter my oor.

So met die wegstap was sy laaste woorde: "Die ANC het alles kom opf...k.
LOL!
Ek moet daai een onthou!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on January 24, 2012, 01:09:04 PM
 Brakpan laaitie gaan kuier by sy girl op die plaas, die oom tune hom "Hey,
 vanaand is al die ligte 10 uur af!" Waarop die laaitie hom tune "Nee sharp
 oom! Ek's nie hier om boek te lees nie!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 24, 2012, 05:39:24 PM
^^^ LOL hahahaha  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 24, 2012, 10:25:05 PM
Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on January 25, 2012, 10:39:16 AM
GLOBAL SURVEY BY PHONE
 
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
 
The only question asked was:
 
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
 
 
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
 
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant
 
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant..
 
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
 
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 25, 2012, 02:30:02 PM
I had to go for a prostate examination. Turned out the nurse was from Thailand. I lay there on my side, naked, and she said "At the is stage of the procedure it's normal to get an erection." I said "Well, I haven't." She said "No - but I have. "

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on January 26, 2012, 07:05:28 AM
Boy goes to visit his girlfriend. As her father leaves to go to bed he says to the couple ''Lights out by 10 o'clock!!''
The boy replies " Thats fine sir, I did not come here to read a book.''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on January 26, 2012, 07:08:24 AM
EISH!!!


1. The Cape Times ( Cape Town )
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential' said Jackie Maxim, a
spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg , "but I can confirm
that he is no longer in our employment.
We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When
I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each
floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that
he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two
twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round.
I understand he is now working for Eskom."

2. The Star ( Johannesburg )
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem
Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane . "Our nation's
merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the
landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar:
"We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men
to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find
it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically
reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The
Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at
night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman
opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of
his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard ( Kenya )
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news
conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport . "A technical hitch
like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not
patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways,
was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via
Jomo Kenyatta to Berlin.
"The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when
the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a
spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A
passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation,
but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.
Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump,
but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but
he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one
of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a
life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he
was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a
fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around
Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo , the bus
Driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.
When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients
nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth was
uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to
those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove
straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over
his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions
were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.
As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they
have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on January 26, 2012, 11:41:26 AM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
 
He  declines.  “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now.  It’s this Viagra,” he says.  “It’s really taken the edge off my  appetite.”
 
At lunchtime, she asked him if he  would like something.  “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
 
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says,  “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”
 
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.   “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?  Or maybe a  rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
 
He  declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra.  I’m still not hungry.”
 
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me?   I’m bloody  starving.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on January 27, 2012, 11:37:31 AM
Curly Bones Jenkins

(http://img.techpowerup.org/120125/403084_371097026237117_100000104679419_1634265_155643656_n.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 27, 2012, 11:50:28 AM
Texas Killer Dupree  8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on January 27, 2012, 11:54:31 AM
Skinny Foot Davis
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on January 27, 2012, 12:01:06 PM
Jailhouse Legs Lee ?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on January 27, 2012, 12:03:49 PM
Ugly McGee ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: legro on January 27, 2012, 12:36:51 PM
Sleepy Sugar Parker 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on January 27, 2012, 05:24:22 PM
Texas Sugar Davis


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 27, 2012, 06:44:52 PM
Big Bradley  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: naughty on January 27, 2012, 06:54:53 PM
Peg Leg Parker

admittedly though thats with leaving the middle initial out cos "Peg leg Back Parker" doesnt quite have the same ring to it
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on January 27, 2012, 09:06:38 PM
my name is jones, sleepy killer jones... 8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 28, 2012, 03:04:33 AM
So, there is this older couple.

The husband comes in the bedroom all excited, and says to his wife, "Honey, I just bought a pack of these new Olympic condoms...which color should we use: gold,silver, or bronze?"

His wife replies, "You should wear silver, and come second for a change."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 31, 2012, 11:05:55 AM
THE HUMAN Resources people in the Australian Federal Government don’t mince their words. Here are some extracts from employee performance evaluations:

●Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

●I would not allow this employee to breed.

●This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.

●Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

●He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

●This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

●He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

●This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

●This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

●A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

●When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

●A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

●If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

●Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

●The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Eendstop on January 31, 2012, 11:31:33 AM
While on the topic, I remember this one from an episode in the TV series "House" where the guy referred to a woman being dumb, saying:
"The difference between my IQ and hers is much more than between her and an animal's IQ. Should I have sex with her, it would be bestiality"

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 02, 2012, 08:04:50 AM
I'm reminded, apropos of absolutely nothing, of the old Max Wall joke (for which he was banned from appearing on the BBC for twenty years):

 

"A beautiful girl was walking across a very narrow bridge. I didn't know if I should block her passage or toss myself off"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on February 03, 2012, 06:08:46 PM
MALE SNSITIVITY


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good
 
for you. Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just
 
pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."  "Gentlemen, remember --
 
you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for
 
you  both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man,
 
name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly  raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it
 
would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity
 
just can't be taught.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 04, 2012, 05:12:58 PM
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oi whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes! now flip off you ****!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atom8 on February 06, 2012, 09:53:29 AM
Where did the Google Chrome logo REALLY come from?


(http://cdn.lolhappens.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/425178_149897878461028_100003224497431_195248_1059281174_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on February 06, 2012, 01:51:36 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgg/amcgbialmp.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on February 06, 2012, 04:43:20 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgg/amcgbialmp.jpg)

LOL  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D thats what friends are for ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 09, 2012, 09:32:32 AM
A catholic priest got some of his choir boys to shave his hair for a charity day, on being asked how it felt the priest replied.. well its nice, it makes my cock look bigger !
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on February 09, 2012, 04:00:12 PM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... 

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

''Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"  "What is your FIRST request???' 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", he admitted.


"But I will still kill you in two days."  "What is your SECOND request???" 


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.


As the Indian Chief watches, the  brunette enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow." 
 
"What is your LAST request ???" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

 
     
"BRING POSSE!!"


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on February 12, 2012, 11:20:36 AM
^^^^^ ROFLMAO ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on February 13, 2012, 02:57:56 PM
(http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/4592/circuitdiagram.png)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Scrat on February 13, 2012, 05:24:56 PM
(Classifieds ad)

"Premature ejaculator seeking female compa.....

Nevermind."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on February 13, 2012, 06:22:40 PM
^^^^  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on February 14, 2012, 06:37:59 AM
;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on February 15, 2012, 03:15:43 PM
George Michael was reported as having sympathised with Captain Francesco Schettino of the stricken Italian liner saying,
 “ I too, after a night’s cruising, am often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom,”   :o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on February 15, 2012, 04:40:06 PM
Breaking news : Chuck Norris died yesterday  :o :o

But do not worry ,he is ok now.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Willi on February 16, 2012, 08:22:21 AM
(http://www.badenhorst.org.za/skooldae.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on February 16, 2012, 04:59:48 PM
^^^ Brilliant  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on February 17, 2012, 10:23:17 PM
A woman goes to the doctor with two black eyes and bruises on her face, arms and legs.

The doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do anymore. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."

The doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until your husband goes to bed and falls asleep".

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and rejuvenated.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished and swished the water and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The doctor says: "The water does faak all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."


mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 17, 2012, 10:30:31 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Then there's this French feminist I know (and have crossed swords with) on another forum who would accuse you of perpetuating crimes against  humanity with a joke like that.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 17, 2012, 11:28:21 PM
What did the paramedic say when he couldn’t find Whitney’s pulse?

“Houston, we have a problem”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on February 18, 2012, 07:17:39 AM
What did the paramedic say when he couldn’t find Whitney’s pulse?

“Houston, we have a problem”

^^^ ;D ;D ;D That's just wrong. But very, very funny...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: zer0 on February 18, 2012, 11:36:11 AM
(http://www.badenhorst.org.za/skooldae.jpg)
;D ;D Seker 'n Kaapse skool
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on February 18, 2012, 10:36:40 PM
Another tale from mafioso's childhood - growing up in the Port Jackson forests of old Corleone:

It's hell to grow old.

Old people have problems that you haven't even thought about.

An 85 yearold man was requested by his doctor to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical examination. He gave the old chap a jar and said: " Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day, the old guy reappeared at the doctor's surgery and handed in the jar which was as clean and empty as when the doc gave it to him the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old man explained "Well, doc it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried my left hand but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand and STILL nothing. She tried with her mouth - first with the teeth in and then with the teeth out, still nothing".

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands and then under an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing..."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open"...

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on February 20, 2012, 04:46:49 PM
A locl Church  realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least R2.5million, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken church rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The  rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on February 25, 2012, 07:51:16 PM
Mum cleanin her 12yr old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.
She asks her husband
"What do I do?"
Hubby "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't flipping spank him"!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on February 25, 2012, 08:13:38 PM
^^^   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ian on February 26, 2012, 09:00:00 AM
Self control Freak! Click your mouse above the guys head when he stops running

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html  (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crafty on March 02, 2012, 01:01:56 PM
(http://www.weknowawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/8f74b280-fd0d-4a09-a531-47463d782863.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on March 02, 2012, 04:08:46 PM
(http://gevaaalik.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Funny.gif)
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: naughty on March 05, 2012, 04:25:58 AM
for the vinylheads  :-X  :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSINO6MKtco (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSINO6MKtco)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: naughty on March 05, 2012, 04:28:27 AM
(http://i1267.photobucket.com/albums/jj543/Hi-FiOutlaw/Snapbucket/2149AD57.jpg?t=1330901243)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: naughty on March 05, 2012, 04:30:22 AM
http://community.klipsch.com/forums/storage/4/1241974/Rodrigues%20-%20walk-out.jpg (http://community.klipsch.com/forums/storage/4/1241974/Rodrigues%20-%20walk-out.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Viagara on March 06, 2012, 01:05:36 PM
Son gets home and excitedly tells his dad that he has just lost his virginity.

Dad is very excited about the news and pours his son and himself a glass of Brandy to celebrate his "coming of age"

Halfway through the Brandy the son says "Dad may I ask you something more abut losing my virginity?" Dad glows with pride and tell his son he can ask him anything.

Son then replies "Dad, how long does it take before my a r s e stops burning?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on March 07, 2012, 01:07:37 PM
(http://www.jokeoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/homess-vs-work.png)
 :-\
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on March 08, 2012, 06:59:10 PM
I don't know why the strippers at Teasers get mad when I tip them with Monopoly money.
Are those boobs real? I don't think so!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on March 08, 2012, 07:07:32 PM
Y MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...

Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes.He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila   

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. 

I hope this helps,  John
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on March 13, 2012, 03:52:32 AM
A beautiful prostitute entered Father O'Shea's church one Sunday morning, all eyes turned in her direction and the priest, taken aback for a moment, thought he recognized her. He said to his alter boy, "Sean, see that lady sitting down on the front pew in that wee short skirt?"

"Yes Father I certainly do," replied the lad as the woman crossed her long model-like legs revealing an ample view of her thigh.

"Well," said the priest, "is that Fanny Green?"

"Oh I'm not sure Father," the boy replied, "it could be the way the sunlight is coming through the stained glass window."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on March 14, 2012, 02:41:16 PM
There were 2 nuns....
1 of them ws known as Sister Mathematical (SM),& the other 1 ws known as Sister Logical (SL).Its getting dark & they R still far away from th convent.
SM: Have u noticed tht a man hs been following us 4 th past 38 and a half min? I wonder wht he wants. SL:It's logical He wants 2 rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At ths rate he will reach us in 15 min at th most! What can we do?SL: Th only logical thing 2 do of course is 2 walk faster.
SM: It's nt working.SL: Of course it's nt working. Th man did th only logical thing. He started 2 walk faster, 2.
SM: So, what shall we do? At ths rate he will reach us in 1 min.SL: Th only logical thing we cn do is split. U go tht way & I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So th man decided 2 follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at th convent & is worried about wht hs happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God ur R here! Tell me what happened!SL: Th only logical thing happened. Th man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes!But wht happened then?SL:Th only logical thing happened.I started 2 run as fast as I could & he started 2 run as fast as he could.
SM: And? SL: Th only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! Wht did you do?SL: Th only logical thing 2 do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! Wht did th man do?SL: Th only logical thing 2 do.He pulled down hs pants.
SM:Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down :tongue:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on March 16, 2012, 04:13:44 PM
Every Friday evening after work, Gamat would braai a big, fat juicy steak.
But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore not allowed to eat meat on
a Friday, suffered agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on
the evening breeze.

They persuaded the priest to try and convert Gamat... and the priest was
successful in doing so.

When Gamat attended mass, the priest sprinkled holy water over him and
said: You were born a Protestant, raised a Protestant, but now you are a
Catholic.

Everybody was delighted, but when Friday night came, the wonderful aroma of
grilled steak again wafted over the neighbourhood. The priest rushed into
Gamat’s garden just in time to see him clutch a small bottle of holy water,
sprinkling it over the grilling meat and chanting: Djy was gebore ‘n bees,
djy was raised ‘n bees, maar nou is djy ‘n snoek!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on March 22, 2012, 04:47:01 PM
My granny caught me wanking the other day, she was so shocked she had a stroke .........

 

 

 

 

 

 

such lovely soft hands
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on March 29, 2012, 03:41:25 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/avipnfa.jpg)
 :sh1tstirrer:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bullet_GP on March 29, 2012, 03:49:49 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/avipnfa.jpg)
 :sh1tstirrer:

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: No Flash... :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 29, 2012, 04:25:49 PM
Seen on gumtree:

Quote
This classic Vinyl player from the early 90's comes with two speed settings (45 & 33.5 rpm). It also has a stroboscope and pitch control knob which allow the user to finely adjust the platter speed. The system has a auto-return function, which is initiated by the reject button.

The turntable will be sold with the original hard-copy device manual. This turntable was owned by my grandmother who treated it with care and only played classical music. I have no need for it, hence the sale.

Call Paul
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on March 29, 2012, 05:00:59 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
sold with the original hard-copy device manual.
Is this ad for real?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on March 29, 2012, 07:40:58 PM
Hehe. I missed the 33.5 rpm speed.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 01, 2012, 10:33:52 PM
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap'.

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on April 02, 2012, 08:23:48 AM
A man came 2 work with 2 blue eyes his boss asked what happened. His reply was that on Sunday at church a big woman sitting in front of him stood up to sing a hymn her dress was caught in the crack, so he helped by pulling it out. She turned and punched him.  The boss asked what about the 2nd blue eye? His reply was:' I thought since she did not want the dress out I should push it back in.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on April 03, 2012, 08:07:05 PM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F@ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on April 03, 2012, 08:11:19 PM

and how about this guy ? don't switch off, it get's better as he goes along... 8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqymcJRSbxI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqymcJRSbxI)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on April 04, 2012, 11:30:08 AM
(http://www.ethanwiner.com/conductor.gif)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 12, 2012, 03:36:18 PM
A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen"

The husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"

The wife texts back: "Computer completely stuffed now"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: zer0 on April 12, 2012, 03:53:05 PM
A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen"

The husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"

The wife texts back: "Computer completely stuffed now"

Thanks, gave me a real good laugh :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WD on April 12, 2012, 08:13:44 PM
Wants to be a single lady but horrible dad....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb9eL3ejXmE&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on April 17, 2012, 02:14:55 PM
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 17, 2012, 03:11:47 PM

(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/aidsyabitch/image.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: iondb on April 17, 2012, 05:55:54 PM
 :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on April 17, 2012, 06:11:52 PM
 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on April 19, 2012, 07:35:57 AM
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper,
where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself,
where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on April 19, 2012, 07:37:04 AM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on April 19, 2012, 07:36:00 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 25, 2012, 08:04:50 PM
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Steve - he's super cute.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 25, 2012, 08:05:24 PM
Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on April 25, 2012, 08:39:30 PM
Women always say that giving birth is far more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child”.

But you never hear a guy say: “I would like another kick in the nuts”.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on April 26, 2012, 01:04:58 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/faceless.619.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 26, 2012, 11:49:11 PM
I phoned in sick to my work this morning.

"How sick are you?" my boss asked.

"I shag my sister"

(I'm secretly from Brakpan) ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on April 29, 2012, 09:54:44 AM
Last night my wife told me that she is leaving me because of my obsession with 80's pop songs.
 "Don't leave me this way" I replied.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 01, 2012, 08:14:04 PM
Audiophile term for imaging (or image): that picture of your grandma between your speakers...

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 02, 2012, 07:48:05 PM
 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

(http://i1198.photobucket.com/albums/aa457/tonyp112233/LOL/KnobCreek.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 02, 2012, 11:00:02 PM
A man askes his barber how to treat baldness? The barber replied "The best thing is female love juices" The man says "But you are balder than me"  "True" says the barber. " But you have to admit i've got a cracking moustache.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blackjack on May 04, 2012, 11:00:01 AM
Malema gets seated next to 13yr old little Johnny on a flight to CT.
"hello little boy....would you like to have an interesting discussion"....
"What would you like to discuss"? asks Johnny
"Nuclear weapons"answers Malema.......
"OK, but first allow me to ask you a few questions"says Johnny. "A horse, a sheep and a dog are all locked up in the same paddock and they are all fed the same ration, however the horse shits big roundish lumps, the sheep shits little black balls and the dog shits a soft pile that normally really stinks.......why is this"?

Malema smiles at the simple story and says:"OK.....I give up"

"Ja......I knew it" says little Johnny, "You don't know ****....but you want to waste my time with a discussion about nuclear weapons"!!! :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: creyneke on May 04, 2012, 02:39:41 PM
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Jaco on May 04, 2012, 02:53:05 PM
Easy way to cook Crayfish:
 
Bring a big pot of water and Salt to the boil
Place your Crayfish next to the pot on the counter or stove
 
Put on some Steve Hofmeyer – wait for about 10 seconds, at which point you will notice the Crayfish getting into the pot of boiling water all by itself.
And that’s it!
 
Top Tip: The above method also works with any other type of Afrikaans Music.


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fonet AV Systems on May 04, 2012, 04:33:14 PM
:ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

(http://i1198.photobucket.com/albums/aa457/tonyp112233/LOL/KnobCreek.jpg)

Yummy one of my favorites
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 05, 2012, 07:46:56 AM
Why do chicks from Brakpan wear high-heels?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To stop their knuckles from dragging on the floor
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 07:51:55 AM
Why do chicks from Brakpan wear high-heels?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To stop their knuckles from dragging on the floor

Bwahahahahaha  :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 05, 2012, 08:39:27 AM
What do you call the layer of sweat between a Brakpan girl and her lover?
.
.
.
.
.
relative humidity
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 08:52:57 AM
What do you call the layer of sweat between a Brakpan girl and her lover?
.
.
.
.
.
relative humidity

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: stop stop, sore from laughing
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 05, 2012, 09:28:49 AM
What do you call a woman in  Brakpan wearing a white tracksuit?
.
.
.
.
The bride
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 09:55:25 AM


After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said :
"Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor...

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 05, 2012, 10:16:19 AM
^^^   :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

Just one minor correction: "...(For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a Dixon sound system, is expensive)."  :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 05, 2012, 10:17:55 AM
^^^   :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

Just one minor correction: "...(For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a Dixon sound system, is expensive)."  :point:

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 10:26:57 AM
^^^   :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

Just one minor correction: "...(For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a Dixon sound system, is expensive)."  :point:

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 11:08:04 AM
(http://i48.tinypic.com/30w4lrt.jpg)

(http://i45.tinypic.com/344bj21.jpg)

(http://i50.tinypic.com/avn3i1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 11:15:08 AM
Always knew ManU were gay

(http://i48.tinypic.com/2m4oimw.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 05, 2012, 11:17:36 AM
Always knew ManU were gay

(http://i48.tinypic.com/2m4oimw.jpg)
LOL  :ROFLMAO:  you guys are killing me here
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 05, 2012, 11:27:58 AM
(http://i46.tinypic.com/105xt7l.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 05, 2012, 01:22:49 PM
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.

He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?' I asked.

'It's not unusual'  he replied.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on May 05, 2012, 03:37:54 PM
Easy way to cook Crayfish:
 
Bring a big pot of water and Salt to the boil
Place your Crayfish next to the pot on the counter or stove
 
Put on some Steve Hofmeyer – wait for about 10 seconds, at which point you will notice the Crayfish getting into the pot of boiling water all by itself.
And that’s it!
 
Top Tip: The above method also works with any other type of Afrikaans Music.
:clap:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on May 05, 2012, 03:58:30 PM
Hoekom drink ouens van Brakpan altyd so baie by `n braai.

Sodat hul kinders nie kan ruik hulle het geëet nie.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on May 06, 2012, 12:54:58 PM
liewe tannie talana

ek is 11 en in graad 3 in brakpan laarskool

my probleeeem is ek is nog nie swanger nie

dink tannie my boeties is gay?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on May 06, 2012, 01:07:06 PM
Easy way to cook Crayfish:
 
Bring a big pot of water and Salt to the boil
Place your Crayfish next to the pot on the counter or stove
 
Put on some Steve Hofmeyer – wait for about 10 seconds, at which point you will notice the Crayfish getting into the pot of boiling water all by itself.
And that’s it!
 
Top Tip: The above method also works with any other type of Afrikaans Music.

Me and my friend Keith went on a breakfast run with the bike's yesterday.
Getting to our destination, we both ordered the the same breakfast.
When our order came, Keith found that his had a pork banger, and mine had a nice piece of boerewors.
He compained to the waitress, to which she replied:
Sir, you are English. Just keeping things realistic... :P
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Jaco on May 07, 2012, 03:07:40 PM

The word TOOTH-BRUSH has its origin in Brakpan.

Anywhere else and it would have been called a TEETH-BRUSH...

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on May 07, 2012, 03:11:34 PM
Orraait, fine.

Boksburg, Nigel and Brakpan have grown closer over the years. There's plans now to have a municipality for all three called Bok-Ni-Pan.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 07, 2012, 03:20:06 PM
Orraait, fine.

Boksburg, Nigel and Brakpan have grown closer over the years. There's plans now to have a municipality for all three called Bok-Ni-Pan.

Ooo flip, the gene pools gets even shallower
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 08, 2012, 02:31:15 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/29cnkab.png)

^^ :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atom8 on May 08, 2012, 04:25:23 PM
Boksburg, Nigel and Brakpan have grown closer over the years. There's plans now to have a municipality for all three called Bok-Ni-Pan.

There was a murder in Bok-Ni-Pan last year - they arrested 117 suspects with matching DNA  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on May 09, 2012, 04:03:08 PM
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to
panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee
cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book
store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand. Releasing the boy's testicles , the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 10, 2012, 07:55:08 AM
^^ Classic !  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on May 10, 2012, 03:12:42 PM
http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/wdwmftidwird.jpg (http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/wdwmftidwird.jpg)
So true!! :tongue:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on May 10, 2012, 04:02:51 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/wdwmftidwird.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 17, 2012, 04:35:39 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him, "No - the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartender says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on May 17, 2012, 09:27:04 PM
I was having a pretty big  :cr@p: last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my wife accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?

With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 17, 2012, 09:32:51 PM
 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
and  :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
i do enjoy a bit of toilet humour- and relate!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 17, 2012, 10:02:54 PM
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. Spike Milligan
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on May 18, 2012, 07:51:15 AM
(http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/398785_10150790272441767_619656766_9929613_1888632788_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 18, 2012, 07:58:39 AM
^^^   :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Jaco on May 18, 2012, 12:33:52 PM

During sex you burn as many calories as running 8 kilometers.
Who the hell runs 8 kilometers in 30 seconds???!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you Believe that….2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..
"Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on May 18, 2012, 01:31:24 PM
:ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 18, 2012, 04:42:55 PM
During sex you burn as many calories as running 8 kilometers.
Who the hell runs 8 kilometers in 30 seconds???!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you Believe that….2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..
"Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Brilliant  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on May 18, 2012, 06:34:52 PM
Murphy the Irish Tourist looked nervous as he stood on Bondi Beach on his first day in Australia.

 Every now and then, he would head to the waters edge, dip his toe in and then leap back in fright.

 After observing this unusual behaviour for half an hour, the lifeguard went up to him and said, "You alright mate?"

 "Oh begorrah! I've heard dere are dangerous sharks in these waters," spluttered Murphy.

 "Too right!" said the lifeguard.

 "Would they swallow ya whole?" asked the horrified Irishman.

 "I don't think so mate," smiled the lifeguard.  "They usually spit that part out."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on May 18, 2012, 06:35:39 PM
Rumour has it that some foreign power planned to nuke the whole of South Australia, until they realised it would only do $100 worth of damage.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on May 18, 2012, 06:47:13 PM
My girlfriend was screaming at me.

 "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.

 As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

 So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ara on May 18, 2012, 07:40:22 PM
:-)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blackjack on May 18, 2012, 09:36:11 PM
Heard about the new breakfast cereal? It's called Prostituties........they don't go Snap, Crackle and Pop.....they just bang!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 19, 2012, 10:08:29 AM
(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/aidsyabitch/ab7c9df9e873b7e6caa59dfc9f883ae5.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Juggy on May 19, 2012, 11:01:30 AM
During sex you burn as many calories as running 8 kilometers.
Who the hell runs 8 kilometers in 30 seconds???!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you Believe that….2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..
"Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Absolutely brilliant, all of them
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on May 22, 2012, 01:04:22 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK

Read the reviews at the bottom......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: iondb on May 22, 2012, 03:36:39 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK

Read the reviews at the bottom......

 :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 22, 2012, 04:46:12 PM
:ROFLMAO:

Quote
Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.


 :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ron g on May 22, 2012, 06:03:12 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK

Read the reviews at the bottom......

DO NOT read this while sitting at your laptop computer drinking cold drink - i nearly choked.......  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :point: :point: :point: :clap: :clap: :clap:

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on May 22, 2012, 08:25:29 PM

 :BWAHAHAH:
I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.  :ROFLMAO:  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ron g on May 22, 2012, 09:04:33 PM
Word Play definitions: not quite a joke - but very funny and very clever

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.....

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

First published on www.washingtonpost.com
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on May 22, 2012, 09:19:17 PM
"when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared."

I have sent those reviews far and wide. I admit I don't have the most elevated or refined sense of humour, but I haven't laughed so hard in ages!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on May 22, 2012, 09:51:33 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK

Read the reviews at the bottom......

Damn, its the funniest thing I've seen in a month! :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 23, 2012, 06:30:56 PM
OMD meets Florence and the Machine  :BWAHAHAH:

(http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/543653_4035785335812_1317088014_3736325_681947807_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on May 23, 2012, 09:28:17 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK

Read the reviews at the bottom......

I'm in stitches!!! The Cantankerous Tiger had me literally in tears!! Thanks for that...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Reno.SA on May 23, 2012, 10:08:46 PM
;D

LOL.....
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Happy Camper on May 23, 2012, 11:43:42 PM
Why don't heavyweight boxers have sex before a title fight?


Because they don't like each other!


TrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrDishhhhhh.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on May 24, 2012, 10:15:12 PM
(http://www.shoeboxblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/bathroom-games.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crafty on May 25, 2012, 09:18:12 AM
#PicOfTheDay
That is Mister Cat to you!
(http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i82/CraftyZA/MisterCat.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 25, 2012, 09:20:36 AM
#PicOfTheDay
That is Mister Cat to you!
(http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i82/CraftyZA/MisterCat.jpg)

JZ's cat by any chance ?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crafty on May 25, 2012, 09:35:40 AM
JZ's cat by any chance ?

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Who's gonna rub paint over this one?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on May 26, 2012, 12:31:45 PM
A Chubby Brown Classic   :BWAHAHAH:


I dated a Jamaican girl once, not knowing she had a boyfriend.

He caught me with her and said: You am bin fucckin mah bitch !  :boxing:

I said : Bollocks, those puppies look nothing like me !!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on May 26, 2012, 01:34:17 PM
^^^  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ron g on May 31, 2012, 10:12:37 AM


While in the UK last year I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss South Africa'."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read, 'I hope this helps'.......
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atom8 on May 31, 2012, 04:33:21 PM


Officer: How high are you?
Me: No officer, its Hi, how are you?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 01, 2012, 09:16:40 AM
(http://i45.tinypic.com/v78vew.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: xenithon on June 01, 2012, 09:51:58 AM
Marriage teaches women housekeeping. They get divorced, they keep the house.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on June 01, 2012, 06:07:12 PM
An old guy, who's a bit deaf, goes to the Doctors with his wife.

The Doctor examines him and says "I'll need a stool sample, a semen sample, a blood sample, and a saliva sample".

 

The old guy says "EH?"

 

His wife shouts in his ear... "HE NEEDS TO BORROW YOUR PANTS DENNIS!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on June 02, 2012, 10:05:42 AM
DIENSPLIG

Eendag merk die dominee 'n klein seuntjie in die voorportaal van die kerk op wat aandagtig na ' n groot gedenkplaat teen die muur staan en kyk.

Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies weerskante.

Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê saggies: "Goeiemore my seun."

"Môre, Dominee," sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat.

"Dominee, wat is dit hierdie?" vra hy.

Die dominee antwoord: "Wel, my seun, dit is 'n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne wat in die diens gesterf het."

In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die twee voor die plaat en staar na die name.

Uiteindelik, in 'n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die seuntjie: "Watter diens, Dominee? Die oggend- of die aanddiens?"


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on June 02, 2012, 10:29:36 AM
 :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on June 02, 2012, 06:01:20 PM
Saw a car in London with the bumber sticker "I miss SA"
So I broke his window and stole his radio.
Left a message "Feeling better now?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on June 02, 2012, 06:04:01 PM
Ek soek raad vir Sinus asb?

Veral oor rugby naweke.

As ek sinus my glas leeg...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bravick on June 02, 2012, 06:07:55 PM
I hear the Blue Bulls will be wearing pink G-strings in future.
Apparently the backline does not see enough ball
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on June 03, 2012, 11:23:13 PM
Kinda funny in a heavy metal way....

(http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/601637_10150849516165994_1442585321_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on June 04, 2012, 06:50:55 AM
I don't know a Bulls supporter that won't hear the pink g- string gag. >:D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on June 06, 2012, 08:29:52 PM
NSFO WARNING

 :stop: Not safe if you are religeous
 :stop: If bad taste offends you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcXNPI-IPPM

 :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on June 06, 2012, 08:56:20 PM
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Namibia & Angola for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why do you want me here only from 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 07, 2012, 08:11:38 AM
^^  :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on June 07, 2012, 07:16:49 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.

“OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…

(http://www.funnymail.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/secretary.jpg)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 08, 2012, 08:13:48 AM
^^  :BWAHAHAH:

Hate it when that happens
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on June 08, 2012, 01:14:56 PM

(http://s14.postimage.org/pfp1667sd/image00195.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/pfp1667sd/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/4wu513tv1/image00342.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/4wu513tv1/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/utntdpxil/image00535.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/utntdpxil/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/bd7p4xrsd/image00733.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/bd7p4xrsd/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/ihpidyz1p/image00829.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/ihpidyz1p/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/a0q031uct/image01123.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/a0q031uct/)

(http://s14.postimage.org/ix0s6zkz1/image01316.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/ix0s6zkz1/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Jaco on June 08, 2012, 01:45:27 PM
Guy from Brakpan phones his boss, stating that he is too sick to go to work.

Boss: "How sick are you?!"
Guy: I'm in bed with my sister - how sick is that?!"...


P.S. - This is in no way a generalization of people in Brakpan, so apologies if it offends you.  ;)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on June 08, 2012, 02:53:30 PM
Has this been posted elsewhere? If so, sorry!

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-the-xenophobia-mocking-fast-food-ad-banned-on-south-african-tv/258130/
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 09, 2012, 12:16:25 PM
Has this been posted elsewhere? If so, sorry!

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/06/heres-the-xenophobia-mocking-fast-food-ad-banned-on-south-african-tv/258130/

Good ol Nandos  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 09, 2012, 12:40:26 PM
Good ol Nandos  :BWAHAHAH:

Kinda small-minded of them to refuse to play the ad. It actually debunks a lot of misinformation about the history of our country. Everybody wants to claim their right to the land. Idiots. You can't own the land. The land owns you. From it you come; to it you'll return.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Reef on June 11, 2012, 09:14:14 AM
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4440459_460s_v3.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on June 11, 2012, 12:41:03 PM
^^^^   :BWAHAHAH:  It's like you read my mind....  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on June 11, 2012, 01:11:31 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/hlRkZ.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on June 11, 2012, 01:34:42 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/hlRkZ.jpg)

hehehhhehehehe
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: bkgengwe on June 11, 2012, 03:36:41 PM
Emperor Akbar was in the habit of putting riddles and puzzles to his courtiers. He often asked questions which were strange and witty. It took much wisdom to answer these questions.
...
Once he asked a very strange question. The courtiers were dumbfounded by his question.

Akbar glanced at his courtiers. As he looked, one by one the heads began to hang low in search of an answer. It was at this moment that Birbal entered the courtyard. Birbal who knew the nature of the emperor quickly grasped the situation and asked, "May I know the question so that I can try for an answer".

Akbar said, "How many crows are there in this city?"

Without even a moment's thought, Birbal replied "There are fifty thousand five hundred and eighty nine crows, my lord".

"How can you be so sure?” asked Akbar.

Birbal said, "Make you men count, My lord. If you find more crows it means some have come to visit their relatives here. If you find less number of crows it means some have gone to visit their relatives elsewhere".

Akbar was pleased very much by Birbal's wit.

MORAL: A witty answer will serve its purpose.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on June 11, 2012, 03:55:50 PM
One from my kid. Deja poo: The thought that you've heard this cr@p before.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on June 11, 2012, 04:06:19 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/hlRkZ.jpg)

this guy should feature in the highly recommended sellers list... 8)
can't believe the 'buyer' didn't get it.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on June 13, 2012, 09:26:22 AM
TALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
 
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
 
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on June 16, 2012, 12:04:52 PM
True Story (quoting a friend's facebook post on tuesday)... "I took a sick Trist to the dr today. Dr said he had a virus. Trist got into car and was very quiet for a while and then asked very worryingly: Did I get it from my computer?? Shame xxx"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on June 16, 2012, 01:34:22 PM
For DIY'ers out there...

(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/481279_10150977743688164_298668581_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 16, 2012, 05:46:45 PM
^^^ Classic  ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on June 16, 2012, 09:47:21 PM
(http://www.blogcdn.com/www.autoblog.com/media/2008/03/pagani_hifi_1_450.jpg)

We've grown used to seeing automakers with a reputation for designing beautiful cars branch out into other consumer products. Porsche is a fine example, and Ferrari is no stranger to peddling assorted branded wares. It looks like Pagani will be adding its name to this list with a new hi-fi home audio system. Built of carbon fiber and aluminum, the system's main control unit emulates the look of the sound system from its supercars. Drawing inspiration from the unique four-pipe exhaust system from the Zonda, the bass tubes lie at the bottom of twin 350 watt tower speakers situated aside the control unit and amplifier. Audiophiles are sure to appreciate dual vinyl turntables, one for both 33 and 45 rpm discs as well as a CD player.

Pricing likely falls squarely into the "if you have to ask" territory, so we'll just admire this awesome unit from afar. Those of you who can afford a Pagani automoile can now enjoy your musical tastes both from the drivers seat of your Zonda and from the comfort of your own living room.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on June 18, 2012, 08:04:58 PM
They really do look funny!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 19, 2012, 02:43:15 PM
The new Cape Flats USB flash drive  :tongue:

(http://i50.tinypic.com/4fcds.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on June 19, 2012, 03:08:02 PM
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 19, 2012, 04:59:49 PM
The new Cape Flats USB flash drive  :tongue:

(http://i50.tinypic.com/4fcds.jpg)

OMW  :BWAHAHAH: Brilliant
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on June 19, 2012, 08:27:25 PM
Dennis! your avatar fooled me!  :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on June 19, 2012, 08:53:22 PM
Dennis! your avatar fooled me!  :point:

And you're not alone... I lost count how many times it made me look twice when I first saw it a few months ago... I even tried to kill it once  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on June 20, 2012, 09:31:50 AM
WTF: http://gx-communique.blogspot.com/2012/04/mind-gap-northampton-1996.html (http://gx-communique.blogspot.com/2012/04/mind-gap-northampton-1996.html)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on June 20, 2012, 03:41:41 PM
(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/251911_10151055834534579_2129109890_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 20, 2012, 03:48:56 PM
^^ not very well Photoshopped but  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 20, 2012, 04:41:15 PM
(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/251911_10151055834534579_2129109890_n.jpg)

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: Very good
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on June 22, 2012, 02:36:20 PM
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a
charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury.

I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but
he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second
thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished,
I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of
acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good goat will do that."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on June 22, 2012, 02:42:55 PM
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 22, 2012, 02:56:13 PM
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.


ROFLMAO  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on June 22, 2012, 03:00:45 PM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'


Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks  !!'


Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK,  now here's the plan.  I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'


The barman  immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.  I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on June 22, 2012, 03:14:02 PM
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OwaOat1YX5I/TFC-j5VzioI/AAAAAAAAAX0/KqnzyypQowU/s1600/cool.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on June 22, 2012, 04:59:28 PM
^^^  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: they way to cool  8)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atom8 on June 22, 2012, 11:08:31 PM
My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need.

At least, that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on June 28, 2012, 10:47:29 AM
WHEN I SAY I AM BROKE...I AM BROKE!!
 
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
 
 
 
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
 
 
 
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.
 
 
 
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.
 
 
 
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
 
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f***ing good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fonet AV Systems on June 28, 2012, 11:08:49 AM
What do you call a sheep tied to a tree in Australia?


..............A PLAYSTATION!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on June 28, 2012, 11:11:35 AM
What do you call a sheep tied to a tree in Australia?


..............A PLAYSTATION!!!!

 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on July 02, 2012, 02:11:04 PM
Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing
the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt
with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might
meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to
school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any
of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you
feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports
car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore
because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and
it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses
on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has
your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls
are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are
looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
Who farted?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 02, 2012, 02:28:06 PM
 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on July 02, 2012, 05:21:04 PM
Quote
Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot:

OMW this is brilliant  :clap: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 04, 2012, 10:16:14 AM
A major -1 for Darwin's theory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exE_bhPBGKs&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 04, 2012, 10:58:48 AM

(http://s17.postimage.org/papvaa7wb/559327_3616222602357_1567020835_n.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/papvaa7wb/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: iondb on July 04, 2012, 01:28:52 PM
Duuude!!!! Ouch!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on July 05, 2012, 04:53:14 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/aPw3R.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: J.S. on July 05, 2012, 07:18:10 PM
 :oppo:
(http://i.imgur.com/aPw3R.jpg)
I do not get it.  :OMG: Anyone care to explain?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 05, 2012, 11:58:16 PM
How to explain Higgs boson discovery (The Guardian)
Everyone's talking about the 'God particle' – but what if someone asks you to explain it. Well, it depends if it's an A-level physics student or a religious fundamentalist. Just use our guide

The possible discovery of the Higgs boson at CERN (The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a gigantic scientific instrument near Geneva, where it spans the border between Switzerland and France about 100m underground. It is a particle accelerator used by physicists to study the smallest known particles – the fundamental building blocks of all things. It will revolutionise our understanding, from the minuscule world deep within atoms to the vastness of the Universe.

Two beams of subatomic particles called "hadrons" – either protons or lead ions – travel in opposite directions inside the circular accelerator, gaining energy with every lap. Physicists use the LHC to recreate the conditions just after the Big Bang, by colliding the two beams head-on at very high energy. Teams of physicists from around the world then analyse the particles created in the collisions using special detectors in a number of experiments dedicated to the LHC.)  is obviously of tremendous importance to our understanding of the universe, but how does one explain the Higgs boson to a layperson, a child, an idiot? A lot depends on who you're talking to, and what they want to hear. Just use this handy guide to selective explanation:

For people you're trying to impress: "The Higgs boson is an elementary scalar particle first posited in 1962, as a potential byproduct of the mechanism by which a hypothetical, ubiquitous quantum field – the so-called Higgs field – gives mass to elementary particles. More specifically, in the standard model of particle physics, the existence of the Higgs boson explains how spontaneous breaking of electroweak symmetry takes place in nature."

For harassed, sleep-deprived parents: "If the constituent parts of matter were sticky-faced toddlers, then the Higgs field would be like one of those ball pits they have in the children's play area at IKEA. Each coloured plastic ball represents a Higgs boson: collectively they provide the essential drag that stops your toddler/electron falling to the bottom of the universe, where all the snakes and hypodermic needles are."

For English undergraduates: "The Higgs boson (pronounced "boatswain") is a type of subatomic punctuation with a weight somewhere between a tiny semicolon and an invisible comma. Without it the universe would be a meaningless cloud of gibberish – a bit like The Da Vinci Code, if you read that."

For teenagers studying A-level physics: "No, I know it's not an atom. I didn't say it was. Well, I meant a particle. Yes, I do know what electromagnetism is, thank you very much – unified forces, Einstein, blah blah blah, mass unaccounted for, yadda yadda, quarks, Higgs boson, the end. It was a long time ago, and I'm tired. Change the channel – we're missing Come Dine With Me."

For a member of the Taxpayers' Alliance: "Its discovery is a colossal, unprecedented, almost infinite waste of money."

For a child in the back seat of a car: "It's a particle that some scientists have been looking for. Because they knew that without it the universe would be impossible. Because without it, the other particles in the universe wouldn't have mass. Because they would all continue to travel at the speed of light, just like photons do. Because I just said they would, and if you ask 'Why?' one more time we're not stopping at Burger King."

For religious fundamentalists: "There is no Higgs boson."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Strainger on July 06, 2012, 01:17:52 PM
(http://i1174.photobucket.com/albums/r605/Strainger1/higgsboson.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on July 06, 2012, 02:40:07 PM
HAHAHAHAA


(http://i.imgur.com/FwhuX.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Happy Camper on July 07, 2012, 12:38:30 AM
This is one of the funniest posts I have ever seen. Brilliant Tangmonster! One for the books.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on July 07, 2012, 09:21:31 AM
I found it to be one of the scariest. Nearly choked on my morning coffee.  :puke:


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 07, 2012, 09:27:10 AM
I found it to be one of the scariest. Nearly choked on my morning coffee.  :puke:


-F_D

I believe this is the one Andrew used to reach :Expert level  :whistler:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on July 10, 2012, 12:17:32 PM
The wife left a note on the fridge...."It's not working!!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone back to Mother!!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...flip knows what she was on about!

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on July 10, 2012, 12:55:41 PM
The wife left a note on the fridge...."It's not working!!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone back to Mother!!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...flip knows what she was on about!

mafioso

The husband left a note on the fridge....."It's not working!!! I can't take it!!! There's never food, I've gone back to Mother!!!"
I opened my bag, checked my last dialed numbers ... and did a quick test call.  Yip, it was working, and Nando's still delivered... hell knows what he was on about!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 10, 2012, 02:23:56 PM
Ha ha! Touche Judy!

An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia . He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could
let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag..
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts ? ,

"What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 10, 2012, 02:25:21 PM
A bread O called a newspaper office and asked: "My dad passed away, I want to put a message in the paper.
What are your charges?".
 
Newspaper: 50c per word.
 
Sunil: Thank you very much. Just put "Ramesh bhai died".
 
Newspaper: Sir! It should be a minimum of 6 words !!!
 
Sunil: "Oh! Okay no problem. Put ......."Ramesh bhai died - Toyota for sale".
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 10, 2012, 02:31:17 PM

(http://s12.postimage.org/eopvgk0gp/untitled.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/eopvgk0gp/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Signet on July 10, 2012, 04:42:27 PM
Latest from the news of Hollywood

Mark Boucher will be starring a lead role in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 10, 2012, 07:15:28 PM
I just discovered a boson in my nose. 99.99999 percent sure it was the Higgs! Will confirm. Exciting.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on July 11, 2012, 05:58:36 PM

(http://s17.postimage.org/cyn5ojf3v/gumtree_ad.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/cyn5ojf3v/)

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on July 11, 2012, 06:46:56 PM
Haha! Only in Brackenfell...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on July 12, 2012, 08:30:27 AM
(http://media-cache-ec5.pinterest.com/upload/210754457531837354_WFitmtnI_c.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on July 12, 2012, 10:37:41 AM
(http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/527894_489099687782510_2144736857_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on July 13, 2012, 07:51:17 PM
BREAKING NEWS:

Greg has asked Andrew to review his latest Home Entertainment system.

Andrew is not sure if he is going to publish it.


(http://s11.postimage.org/gopth4ynj/Home_Entertainment_Centre.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/gopth4ynj/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 13, 2012, 11:23:02 PM
Okaaaayy.....
I've been made aware that the tortoise and hare pic, when you click on it, displays some adult (porn) "headers"- yet I copied and pasted it from an e-mail.
Mods please remove.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 16, 2012, 12:48:48 PM
BREAKING NEWS:

Greg has asked Andrew to review his latest Home Entertainment system.

Andrew is not sure if he is going to publish it.


(http://s11.postimage.org/gopth4ynj/Home_Entertainment_Centre.jpg) (http://postimage.org/image/gopth4ynj/)

If only entertainment systems came with those additional features  :point: I can see many people using Makro's 14 day money back guarantee :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on July 16, 2012, 01:08:33 PM
hehe

(http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/205304_447716545262213_1347938324_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on July 16, 2012, 03:05:34 PM
Quote
BREAKING NEWS:

Greg has asked Andrew to review his latest Home Entertainment system.

Andrew is not sure if he is going to publish it.




Andrew should publish it, and the heading will be: "Best bang for buck system"

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on July 16, 2012, 07:43:20 PM
If only entertainment systems came with those additional features  :point: I can see many people using Makro's 14 day money back guarantee :BWAHAHAH:

Now that took you long enough to respond!! I suppose you were too busy drooling to reply earlier...   :BWAHAHAH:


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 17, 2012, 07:20:19 AM
Now that took you long enough to respond!! I suppose you were too busy drooling to reply earlier...   :BWAHAHAH:


-F_D

No ! I was checking the Makro catalogue :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BigEd on July 17, 2012, 08:14:19 AM
Todays Truths - if too heavy for this forum, please delete...

 -
Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both great, and you don't get 'em at home.
--
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
--
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 17, 2012, 08:34:11 AM
Todays Truths - if too heavy for this forum, please delete...

 -
Blowjobs and lobster have 2 things in common. They are both great, and you don't get 'em at home.
--
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
--
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.

 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on July 18, 2012, 07:45:34 PM
not funny.... Just amazing....
(http://s1.static.gotsmile.net/images/2011/11/05/7967_13205194844.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on July 18, 2012, 08:59:09 PM
^^^ there aren't any
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on July 19, 2012, 08:20:59 AM
^^^ There's lots man.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on July 19, 2012, 08:24:43 AM
The air thin again in GP ?  :nutter:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on July 19, 2012, 08:31:13 AM
^^^ There's lots man.
when last you have your eyes tested?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on July 19, 2012, 08:42:01 AM
there's 3
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 19, 2012, 08:55:44 AM
I also get 3
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on July 19, 2012, 09:02:44 AM
when last you have your eyes tested?

I can ask you the same  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 19, 2012, 09:25:55 AM
Had them tested last week, actually...lol. Think laterally  :whistler:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on July 19, 2012, 09:52:47 AM
There is nil, in the graphic at least.  If you count the letters, (including the footer) I suppose there's 4 o's... which could count as dots me thinks?  ;) .... unless you're medicated, then the question would be "how many black dots do you WANT to see?"  :nutter:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 19, 2012, 10:05:19 AM
There are 3 dots in the "O"s in the text, Judy...the 4th?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on July 19, 2012, 10:07:02 AM
There are 3 dots in the "O"s in the text, Judy...the 4th?

Eatliver.cOm... in the footer (Bottom Right)... now who's blind?  ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Captain Ahab on July 19, 2012, 10:13:20 AM
ahh...not visible on this small monitor
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on July 19, 2012, 12:17:43 PM
 One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in
a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s John, and I’m OK thanks," he replied.

"John forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," John answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting
lessons, John thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile ,
“She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the buggy!" he explained.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on July 23, 2012, 09:50:29 PM
: WHY JEWISH GIRLS NEED THERAPY.....



A Jewish girl phones her mother…
Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”
Daughter: “Yes”
Jewish Mother: “With whom?”
Daughter: “With a friend”
Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He’s such a good man.”
Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me!”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”
Daughter: “I don’t go out with just anybody. Can I bring the kids over?”
Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anyone except your father.”
Daughter: “There are a lot of things that you did and I don’t!”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at?”
Daughter: “Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My EX-husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone.”
Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
Daughter: “He’s not a loser!!”
Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring the kids over or not?”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother …”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you!”
Daughter: “ENOUGH!”
Jewish Mother: “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too.”
Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser?”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see - he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately!”
Daughter: “Goodbye, mother”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?”
Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”
Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BigEd on July 24, 2012, 01:07:10 PM
Females ?!?!?!?!?!?

I'd turn homo with a mother like that... ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on July 28, 2012, 07:10:54 PM
http://durban.gumtree.co.za/c-Electronics-audio-music-equipment-Chinarray-100000000000kw-W0QQAdIdZ399963320
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on July 30, 2012, 10:26:59 AM
Under the Electronics/Audio - Music Equipment category of the Cape Town Gumtree...

http://capetown-westerncape.gumtree.co.za/c-Electronics-audio-music-equipment-Pregnancy-Scanner-for-livestock-W0QQAdIdZ392814275
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Its about the music on July 31, 2012, 11:22:19 AM
That thing DOES INDEED play music to the cattle farmer's ears man..... ;)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: surfsup on August 01, 2012, 01:09:16 PM
News just in….

The Somalian Olympic Team have just issued an official apology as they didn’t realise that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 01, 2012, 01:18:34 PM
^^ :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 01, 2012, 06:54:26 PM
This has to go here:

"The Proburn cable burn-in accelerator from Blue Horizon not only dramatically reduces the burn-in time of all cables, it also optimises their performance to a degree that music can’t match. Proburn does more than simply synthesise music; using specially developed technology, the unit generates a sequence of ultra-low frequencies to penetrate the core of the conductor, and ultra-high frequencies to penetrate both the conductor and the dielectric." (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Blue-Horizon-Proburn-Cable-Burn-Machine-Black-/390447461805?pt=UK_Computing_Sound_Vision_Audio_Cables_Adapters&hash=item5ae87b75ad#ht_3371wt_1397)

(http://www.ad-lister.co.uk/Shared/UserImages/5e9d70a9-13f1-4b69-86a8-651544f1413e/Img/proburn.jpg) (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Blue-Horizon-Proburn-Cable-Burn-Machine-Black-/390447461805?pt=UK_Computing_Sound_Vision_Audio_Cables_Adapters&hash=item5ae87b75ad#ht_3371wt_1397)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Donuts on August 01, 2012, 07:41:01 PM
This has to go here:

"The Proburn cable burn-in accelerator from Blue Horizon not only dramatically reduces the burn-in time of all cables, it also optimises their performance to a degree that music can’t match. Proburn does more than simply synthesise music; using specially developed technology, the unit generates a sequence of ultra-low frequencies to penetrate the core of the conductor, and ultra-high frequencies to penetrate both the conductor and the dielectric." (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Blue-Horizon-Proburn-Cable-Burn-Machine-Black-/390447461805?pt=UK_Computing_Sound_Vision_Audio_Cables_Adapters&hash=item5ae87b75ad#ht_3371wt_1397)

(http://www.ad-lister.co.uk/Shared/UserImages/5e9d70a9-13f1-4b69-86a8-651544f1413e/Img/proburn.jpg) (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Blue-Horizon-Proburn-Cable-Burn-Machine-Black-/390447461805?pt=UK_Computing_Sound_Vision_Audio_Cables_Adapters&hash=item5ae87b75ad#ht_3371wt_1397)

I'll see your burn-in accelerator and raise you 5 blocks of wood and a cheap CD. (http://www.synergisticresearch.com/acoustic-art/acoustic-art-system/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 01, 2012, 08:01:36 PM
I'll see your burn-in accelerator and raise you 5 blocks of wood and a cheap CD. (http://www.synergisticresearch.com/acoustic-art/acoustic-art-system/)

Oooohhhhh, tuning cups - ye!

(http://www.synergisticresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Acoustic-ART-system-big.jpg)

I see your cups and chuck some Hallograph Soundfield Optimizer into the pot...

(http://www.shakti-innovations.com/images/Hoffman-pic-1.jpg) (http://www.shakti-innovations.com/hallograph.htm)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 01, 2012, 08:29:16 PM
/\ Just shows what can be done with a bit of scrap wood!  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Donuts on August 01, 2012, 08:35:25 PM
Oooohhhhh, tuning cups - ye!

(http://www.synergisticresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Acoustic-ART-system-big.jpg)

I see your cups and chuck some Hallograph Soundfield Optimizer into the pot...

(http://www.shakti-innovations.com/images/Hoffman-pic-1.jpg) (http://www.shakti-innovations.com/hallograph.htm)

Mmm. I did not see that coming. But, a good player holds out to the end.The amazing CD quality upgrader! (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina62.htm)

Read em and weep.


*Edit. Link updated. Apparently they are still around.
*Eddit. Holy crap that company's Catalog (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm) is a treasure trove of lol's.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 01, 2012, 09:26:56 PM

*Eddit. Holy crap that company's Catalog (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina5.htm) is a treasure trove of lol's.

 :ROFLMAO:   :BWAHAHAH:  :ROFLMAO:  :BWAHAHAH:  :ROFLMAO:

Tru-Tone Duplex Covers produce a remarkable degree of focus, fullness, detail and presence.

(http://www.machinadynamica.com/Tru-Tone-Covers.jpg) (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina44.htm)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Deezil on August 01, 2012, 10:49:38 PM
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a
charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury.

I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but
he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second
thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished,
I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of
acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good goat will do that."

Eish nasty ... reminds me of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE&feature=player_embedded)


Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 01, 2012, 11:19:29 PM
http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina62.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina62.htm)
I used to work in a metal press shop - I know these. Often wondered what good they would possibly be. I mean, perfectly round, virtually free.....
O yeah! Fools and their money are easily parted! Them Phools.  :nutter:  :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on August 02, 2012, 07:16:03 AM
(http://classicfun.ws/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/At-first-I-was-like...-but-then...-I-lold-hyena-edition.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on August 02, 2012, 09:44:26 AM
Giving a hiena a bath...NOT on my bucket list!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on August 02, 2012, 10:56:11 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/358Yx.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 02, 2012, 11:01:35 AM
ROFLMFAO !!!! Jabba  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on August 03, 2012, 10:51:16 AM
> The Traffic Warden's funeral
>
>
> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's
> funeral a voice from inside shouts,
>
> "I'm not dead !, I'm not dead !! Let me out !!!"
> The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
>
> "Too late pal, paperwork's already done..."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on August 04, 2012, 01:20:52 PM
http://www.bidorbuy.co.za/item/72133693/Garrard_301_hammertone_grey_turntable_the_holy_grail.html
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 07, 2012, 08:17:21 AM
I saw two large ladies stand at a bar, talking with heavy accents. I walked over and said: 'Hi, are you two ladies from Scotland?'
To which they angrily replied: ' Its Whales you idiot!'

I immediately apologized and said :' Are you two wales from Scotland?'

Thats all I remember.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 07, 2012, 09:36:58 AM
http://www.bidorbuy.co.za/item/72133693/Garrard_301_hammertone_grey_turntable_the_holy_grail.html

 :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:

"R13,500.00 (No Reserve)"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 07, 2012, 11:03:19 AM
/\ 'The holy grail' nogal. :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on August 07, 2012, 03:42:34 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/600025_398926893488701_837402340_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BigEd on August 08, 2012, 11:26:42 AM
First Olympic sailing results just in.

GB have taken gold,

Australia have taken silver and

Somalia have taken 2 hostages & their boat!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 08, 2012, 08:32:57 PM
She: I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU WENT TO PROSTITUTES FOR SEX!!!!!
He: Well, I'm not getting it from you!
She: Well, that's your fault.
He: Why?
She: You never said you'd pay for it!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on August 08, 2012, 10:25:29 PM
"I went bass fishing this morning at Porterville Dam, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth. Lizards are good bait for bass.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth. His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.

A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot. I looked down and there was that same snake with two more lizards in its mouth.

Life is good in Africa." - Anon.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Reef on August 10, 2012, 07:29:06 PM
This one is for BWS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCiY1y3uJ3o&feature=g-all-u
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 14, 2012, 07:25:42 AM
This one is for BWS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCiY1y3uJ3o&feature=g-all-u

 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: Oh thank you
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 14, 2012, 09:25:24 PM
How computers were made.:
(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558288_10151001305976850_858160091_n.jpg) (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151001305976850&set=a.59511371849.82597.22707976849&type=1&theater)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Heinrich on August 14, 2012, 09:35:10 PM
 :clap: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on August 15, 2012, 07:48:52 AM
I remember the MACHINA PEBBLES doing the rounds a while back, but this one still cracks me up....
http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina60.htm (http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina60.htm)

I wonder if an exorcism comes courtesy the 30day money back warranty? :EGrin:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 16, 2012, 03:02:00 PM
If only this were true

Bye bye Bella  :point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw9ZeXB2uKs
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 24, 2012, 02:49:15 PM
(http://i46.tinypic.com/yi461.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 24, 2012, 02:54:57 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/2qi614w.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 25, 2012, 07:58:11 PM
NRSFWAIA (not really safe for work and in Afrikaans) but did appear on public radio: have a laugh:

http://soundcloud.com/ndumelam/tax-audio-clip/s-Dol5t
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on August 25, 2012, 08:04:11 PM
 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 26, 2012, 02:48:13 PM
I didn't listen to the clip but I'm assuming it's the hoe from RSG? LMFAO that was classic!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on August 26, 2012, 03:28:32 PM
It is. tax can be a really dry subject. She added some colour :-)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Bernard on August 26, 2012, 06:21:02 PM
 Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The  auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on August 26, 2012, 06:32:56 PM
a couple were sat round the breakfast table one morning, with a gleaming eye the wife suddenly announced that she was going

to go for a breast enlargement,   the husband looked non-plussed,  she wonders why he was quiet,

oh it wont cost much she sais, he raises an eyebrow,

ah thats it she thought,   after a silent breakfast, husband sais to wife, i've got a solution thats much cheaper,

if you get on your knee's in front of the settee and press your breasts into the cushion for several hours a day that should do the job,

with a puzzled question, wife sais, how do you figure that will work, husband replies, well its worked wonders on your arse.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on August 26, 2012, 06:33:35 PM
 I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
 I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on August 29, 2012, 03:49:47 PM
I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

 I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on August 29, 2012, 04:14:09 PM
Kid sits in a park eating one candy bar after another.
The guy opposite him can no longer contain himself and says: 'You know eating so much candy is bad for you. You will get bad teeth, acne and become fat.'
Kid: ' My grandfather lived to be a 107yrs old.'
Man:'And did he eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Kid:'No, he minded his own damn business.'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on August 30, 2012, 07:39:40 AM
^^ :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on August 30, 2012, 07:53:10 AM
Kid sits in a park eating one candy bar after another.
The guy opposite him can no longer contain himself and says: 'You know eating so much candy is bad for you. You will get bad teeth, acne and become fat.'
Kid: ' My grandfather lived to be a 107yrs old.'
Man:'And did he eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Kid:'No, he minded his own damn business.'
:ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on August 30, 2012, 04:53:14 PM
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: lanties on August 31, 2012, 09:34:45 AM
I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my ability to tell the day she was born by holding her breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on; eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?"

I replied "Yesterday.”
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WD on August 31, 2012, 10:35:07 AM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/14mut0l.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on September 03, 2012, 11:21:17 PM
Go Supersonic

http://vimeo.com/47734827#
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 04, 2012, 11:19:20 AM
Who in the hell is Gary?

Gary is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a R100 note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a R100 note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Gary is in the Addington Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 04, 2012, 02:03:31 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/2epoy92.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on September 05, 2012, 08:28:41 PM
Yossel worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his wee-wee in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After 6 months of treating Yossel, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he probably would never have any peace of mind.

The next day, Yossel came home early from work. His wife, Sascha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened at work.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his wee-wee in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did just that and was immediately fired from his job.

Sascha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants, only to find a normal, completely intact wee-wee. She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied "I think she got fired too"...

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on September 05, 2012, 11:59:52 PM
:ROFLMAO:
To me, that one never gets old.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Abu on September 06, 2012, 12:04:45 PM
Ow... my tummy hurts


http://twistedsifter.com/2012/08/15-ways-to-get-past-an-awkward-moment/#.UEhVE5O0BR8.twitter (http://twistedsifter.com/2012/08/15-ways-to-get-past-an-awkward-moment/#.UEhVE5O0BR8.twitter)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 06, 2012, 12:20:00 PM
Ow... my tummy hurts


http://twistedsifter.com/2012/08/15-ways-to-get-past-an-awkward-moment/#.UEhVE5O0BR8.twitter (http://twistedsifter.com/2012/08/15-ways-to-get-past-an-awkward-moment/#.UEhVE5O0BR8.twitter)

 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on September 07, 2012, 05:46:29 PM
(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/aidsyabitch/a3902a18c77508992c570f654be047fe.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on September 08, 2012, 12:21:58 AM
Love this one!
(http://img542.imageshack.us/img542/8900/conspiracy.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/542/conspiracy.jpg/)

Uploaded with ImageShack.us (http://imageshack.us)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on September 10, 2012, 03:18:18 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/iydtywaf80p.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on September 11, 2012, 06:33:34 PM
(http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/263871_473470526019732_351429893_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 12, 2012, 05:00:29 PM
^^^^  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 13, 2012, 10:27:50 AM
(http://hostingc.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-15/1067no_to_nip_sg.gif) (http://hotchyx.com/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 13, 2012, 02:07:38 PM
(http://www.gamersbin.com/attachments/f15/13167d1329494409-funny-gifs-03.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 13, 2012, 02:11:22 PM
^^^ WTF! Hahahahaaha
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on September 14, 2012, 03:39:29 PM
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/A2wSQtdCMAAZZEL.jpg:large)

(http://distilleryimage10.instagram.com/693ebc8afdb711e1a7f71231380ff15b_7.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on September 14, 2012, 04:11:58 PM
(http://www.gamersbin.com/attachments/f15/13167d1329494409-funny-gifs-03.gif)
must've trained with an Italian side.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: kHz on September 14, 2012, 06:35:33 PM
Ek het gedink die paralimpiese spele is al verby.......
maar toe sien ek die blou bulle speel nog Saterdag.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on September 17, 2012, 06:41:45 AM
Come on sue me!

(http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384246_4010590816212_1454828885_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on September 17, 2012, 11:52:00 AM
IPOD, WHO NEEDS AN IPOD?

(http://media-dl.chimein.com/thumbnails/72/18/79/43/18/74/46/50/105046741843791872.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 17, 2012, 01:33:35 PM
^^^ I'm seeing lotsa Dells being abused above. That makes me sad panda.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 17, 2012, 02:42:36 PM
^^^ I'm seeing lotsa Dells being abused above. That makes me sad panda.

+1, anyway, who would want a Macbook if you own a Dell ?  :nutter:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 17, 2012, 07:11:14 PM
(http://s19.postimage.org/63rlf4ui9/216922_494592573902223_348175390_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ron g on September 17, 2012, 08:45:21 PM
am i the only one who nearly wet myself at the chuck norris pic ....   :thumbs: :clap: :BWAHAHAH: :Whoohoo:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: creyneke on September 18, 2012, 03:44:06 PM
I felt **** this morning






Thats the last time i buy single ply!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: lanties on September 18, 2012, 03:45:44 PM
I felt **** this morning






Thats the last time i buy single ply!

kak grap.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 18, 2012, 03:47:38 PM
I felt **** this morning






Thats the last time i buy single ply!

hehe, not the warm and fuzzy feeling you were hoping for  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Johnpush on September 19, 2012, 04:49:31 AM
 :Whoohoo:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Eendstop on September 19, 2012, 08:51:13 AM
Better to find out what things mean in other local languages before putting it on one's car reg and then drive like one ;D
(http://i747.photobucket.com/albums/xx114/Eendstop/IMG_0008_zps6b9b1027.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on September 19, 2012, 09:04:12 AM
^^^ lol...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 19, 2012, 09:08:03 AM
Better to find out what things mean in other local languages before putting it on one's car reg and then drive like one ;D
(http://i747.photobucket.com/albums/xx114/Eendstop/IMG_0008_zps6b9b1027.jpg)

Gert, you said you bought a Beemer ? :thinking:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on September 19, 2012, 09:18:46 AM
Gert, you said you bought a Beemer ? :thinking:

Very f.ing funny.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on September 19, 2012, 10:48:28 AM
Love this one!
(http://img542.imageshack.us/img542/8900/conspiracy.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/542/conspiracy.jpg/)

Uploaded with ImageShack.us (http://imageshack.us)
Kwakwakwakwa.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on September 21, 2012, 08:03:12 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/301304_4009972721377_1879306929_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: LAV on September 21, 2012, 08:23:30 AM
Very f.ing funny.
:ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Tom on September 26, 2012, 11:07:50 PM
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.

She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”

The husband bought her a bathroom scale.

(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 28, 2012, 02:03:39 PM
(https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Oh-Facebook.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 28, 2012, 03:26:21 PM
Neighbour issues  (https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/2012/06/26/australian-guy-writes-courteous-letter-to-across-the-street-neighbor-to-get-him-to-turn-off-his-terawatt-floodlight-hilarity-ensues/)   :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on September 28, 2012, 03:28:22 PM
I don't have a magnifying glass to read the previous joke...


Paddy and Murphy are going to bed.

Paddy says " set the alarm for 6"

 

Murphy says " why, there're only 2 of us "
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 28, 2012, 03:30:09 PM
I don't have a magnifying glass to read the previous joke...


Paddy and Murphy are going to bed.

Paddy says " set the alarm for 6"

 

Murphy says " why, there're only 2 of us "

 :BWAHAHAH:

I realized that the pic wouldn't resize so posted the link instead :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on September 28, 2012, 03:37:19 PM
Ah. Right...
It's a goodie.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on September 28, 2012, 05:19:34 PM
Neighbour issues  (https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/2012/06/26/australian-guy-writes-courteous-letter-to-across-the-street-neighbor-to-get-him-to-turn-off-his-terawatt-floodlight-hilarity-ensues/)   :ROFLMAO:

Seems David Thorne likes writing emails. This one is is also hilarious, about missing missy.
http://theneave.com/david-thorne-missing-missy/

and the rest:
http://www.27bslash6.com/
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on September 28, 2012, 08:07:29 PM
Neighbour issues  (https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/2012/06/26/australian-guy-writes-courteous-letter-to-across-the-street-neighbor-to-get-him-to-turn-off-his-terawatt-floodlight-hilarity-ensues/)   :ROFLMAO:


This is brilliant!!! (Pun not intended)


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fem Audio Connoiseur on September 28, 2012, 10:51:06 PM
Is this happening in our hospitals?

 

A sweet grandmother telephoned St.. Joseph 's Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
 The operator said,"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room

number of the patient?"
 The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
 The operator replied,   Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's

station for that room."
 After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine;  and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
 The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
 The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
 The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.

No one tells me anything.!!!"
 TRUE STORY

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 29, 2012, 07:59:27 AM
A new meaning to 'Bed and Breakfast'  :point:

(https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Clever-dog.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 29, 2012, 08:05:11 AM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/2qdpgux.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on September 29, 2012, 08:48:58 AM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/2qdpgux.jpg)

 :EGrin:  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on September 29, 2012, 11:48:15 AM
Something tells me Crafty fries his eggs like this :point:

(http://i50.tinypic.com/z0mdd.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Fem Audio Connoiseur on September 29, 2012, 05:24:42 PM
Is that now yin and pan?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on October 02, 2012, 11:25:30 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/8Mhaa.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on October 02, 2012, 01:28:59 PM
Why is 6 scared of 7?

789
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on October 02, 2012, 01:31:06 PM
 ;D
Why is 6 scared of 7?

789


Why did Ponds Cream ?

Because Max Factor
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on October 02, 2012, 01:47:14 PM
Quote
Why is 6 scared of 7?

789

Huisgenoot wag vir jou
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on October 02, 2012, 03:49:54 PM
(http://www.biline.ca/Pictures/Now%20Hear%20This.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on October 02, 2012, 04:09:45 PM
(http://www.mchumor.com/00images/7487_music_cartoon.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: andredt on October 03, 2012, 09:08:53 AM
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x244/SPL_SLuT/399761_418193734896611_1004925703_n.jpg)

Damn potholes.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on October 03, 2012, 09:16:43 AM
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x244/SPL_SLuT/399761_418193734896611_1004925703_n.jpg)

Damn potholes.

^^ O0
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on October 03, 2012, 12:01:28 PM
I've heard that they smuggle drugs in tyres, but alien heads ?  :thinking:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: lanties on October 03, 2012, 12:07:29 PM
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.  - Ronnie Barker

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. 

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. 

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let  Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned  a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
 
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said  Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping  her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door, and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg  and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking  brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. 

 Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a  knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge  halls and a hig bard on. 
 
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking  ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Quote
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies.  Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many  takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of  delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on October 03, 2012, 12:22:04 PM
^^^ That's so hucking filarious!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: andredt on October 03, 2012, 01:15:24 PM
I've heard that they smuggle drugs in tyres, but alien heads ?  :thinking:

LOOOOL now that you mention it does resemble alien vs predator caracter.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Crafty on October 05, 2012, 09:22:24 AM
Something tells me Crafty fries his eggs like this :point:

(http://i50.tinypic.com/z0mdd.jpg)

Hey! Do you have a spycam in my house? That's my Pan!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on October 05, 2012, 09:34:34 AM
Hey! Do you have a spycam in my house? That's my Pan!!!!!

Hehe yes !! and BTW, BK says GET YOUR WIFE TO CLEAN THE STOVE  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on October 05, 2012, 10:05:05 AM
Hehe yes !! and BTW, BK says GET YOUR WIFE TO CLEAN THE STOVE  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:

(http://i1175.photobucket.com/albums/r631/Stefmeister_666/IMG-20121003-WA00051.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on October 05, 2012, 10:40:59 AM
(http://i1175.photobucket.com/albums/r631/Stefmeister_666/IMG-20121003-WA00051.jpg)

It's obviously hard to type with one hand.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atom8 on October 09, 2012, 11:36:03 AM

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on October 09, 2012, 07:18:32 PM
^^ :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AlleyCat on October 09, 2012, 08:00:49 PM
A woman went to see an attorney about getting a divorce.

"What are the grounds for divorce?" he asked

"About three hectares." she replied.

"No, no. Let me rephrase that. Do you have a grudge?"

"No Sir, the car stays in the carport."

"Wait. I'll try a different angle. Does your husband beat you up."

Oh no, I'm always up about half-an-hour before him."

'Madam, ' he said in desperation, "why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh I don't want a divorce at all" she replied, "but my husband does. He says we can't communicate."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on October 10, 2012, 08:45:40 PM
(http://imageshack.us/a/img707/5792/imageahvi.jpg) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/707/imageahvi.jpg/)

Uploaded with ImageShack.us (http://imageshack.us)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 11, 2012, 03:24:22 PM
(http://www.jollygoodjokes.co.za/jgg/faceless.728.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on October 11, 2012, 10:02:46 PM
This site always makes me hit the floor laughing...

http://www.dontevenreply.com (http://www.dontevenreply.com)

Disguised Glock --> http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84 (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84) :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on October 12, 2012, 08:03:51 AM
^^  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Dennis on October 15, 2012, 03:19:58 PM
Gatiep was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Gatiepie, how
about Tom Cruise?"
Gatiep replied "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Gatiep and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door and Tom Cruise shouts, " Gatiepie! What's happenin?!? Great to see
you!
Come
on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Gatiep`s boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Gatiep that he thinks him
knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Gatiep says. "President Bush," his
boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Gatiepsays, "Old buddies, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Gatiep on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, " Gatiepie, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After
they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Gatiep,
who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Gatiep. "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Gatiepie and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Gatiep says, "This will never work. I
can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know
all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the
balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Gatiep emerges with the Pope on the
balcony but by the time Gatiep returns, he finds that his boss has had
a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Gatiep asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said:
"Who the heck is that on the balcony with Gatiepie?

----------------------------

Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man
Gatiep se": Sit die snoek onder djou rok!
Maraai se " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"
Gatiep se vir Maraai," Drukkie snoek se nies toe!"

----------------------------

Gatiep soen soos gewoonlik vir Meraai goeienag voordat hy omdraai en binne 5 minute aan die slaap raak. Na 'n uur of twee skrik hy skielik helder wakker en sien 'n ou man langs sy kant van die bed staan, wit kleed en al. Meraai se lover? Hy kyk oor sy skouer maar dis pikdonker.
"Hey, wie's jy? Wat soek jy in my kamer?"
"Dis nie jou kamer nie, Gatiep, ek en jy is in die hemel."
"Waaat? Wil djy vir my kom vertel ek is dood Jy moet djou kop laat lees, ek is nog te jonk om te dood, ek wil dadelik teruggaan, NOU!"
"Dissie ..... ek meen, dis nie so maklik nie, sê die witgeklede engel, al die vacancies ........ ag ****, ek meen, jy kan net teruggaan aarde toe as 'n hond of 'n hoenderhen. wat sal dit wees?"
Gatiep oorweeg die saak so 'n bietjie, hoenderhen of hond? 'n Hoenderhen klink beter, hy het tog nie krag om rond te hardloop en vir al wat kar is te blaf en saans te wag vir sy bak kos nie, dan liewer 'n hoenderhen wat heeldag niks doen nie.  Beter as niks, dan is hy darem terug op die aarde.
"Okei, ek wil 'n hoender wees", en woeps, is hy in 'n hoenderhok iewers in die Vrystaat, so 'n mooi rooibruin hoendertjie, maar mense, sy gat brand soos vuur! Die haan kom kennis maak en sê "Haai, jy is mos die nuwe hoendertjie, die ou wat van die hemel af teruggekom het, hoe laaik jy om 'n hoender te wees?"
"Ag, dissie so bad nie, beter as om dood te wees." sê Gatiep, "maar ek voel ek gaan ontplof."
"Jy moet 'n eier lê, dan is alles oor, kekkel net twee keer en dan druk jy dat dit bars."
Gatiep maak toe soos die haan sê, kekkel twee keer en druk, en wraggies, plop, daar lê 'n eier op die grond. Dis so lekker dat hy dit sommer weer 'n keer doen. Die derde keer toe stamp iemand hom dat hy so trek en hy hoor Meraai skree: "Gatiep, word wakker, jy skyt die hele bed vol!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on October 18, 2012, 07:18:49 AM
GOOGLE BEAT BOX... You must seriously do this -
In google translate, change language to German to German and type in "pv zk pv pv zk pv zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpvpvzk kkkkk bsch" Hit translate, and then the audio button. :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Robert_E on October 18, 2012, 07:25:28 AM
Haha, the hint on the audio button actually changes to Beatbox.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on October 18, 2012, 07:41:09 AM
I'm more of a "kkkkk bsch bsch kkkkk bsch kkkkk bsch zb bsch zb kkkkk bsch zb bsch zb bsch bsch bsch bbbsch" kind of guy :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on October 18, 2012, 12:05:24 PM
A blond took three pregnancy tests this morning and all three were positive.

"I can't believe it," she said, wiping the tears from her face, "How am I going to cope with triplets"?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on October 18, 2012, 12:06:05 PM
Ek was vanoggend vir 'n check up. Die dokter vra my: "Drink jy?"

Ek sê toe: "Jinne Dokter, dit sal gaaf wees. Wat het jy?"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on October 18, 2012, 08:17:49 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd7c5tQCs1I

 :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on October 19, 2012, 11:35:15 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/4eUxD.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 19, 2012, 04:32:46 PM
AUSTRALIAN TALKING CLOCK

Proudly showing off his newly leased Pretoria apartment to two mates after a rugby game, dronkgat Dave led the way to his bedroom where there was a large brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's up with the gong?" one of the equally p!ssed friends asked. "It's not a gong, it's an Australian talking clock" Dave slurred.

"Yup. Hmmm...hic"

"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at the gong.

"Just watch", Dave said.

He picked up a hammer and gave the gong an ear-shattering whack and stumbled back.

His mates stood looking at one another for a moment in stunned silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed "For flip's sake you stupid pr!ck. It's ten past three in the morning!!!!"

mafioso 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on October 19, 2012, 05:20:12 PM
^^^  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on October 21, 2012, 05:48:11 PM
Hehehehehehehehehehe, Just Brilliant  :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

The Next Big Thing is Already Here - Samsung Galaxy S III

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nf5-Prx19ZM
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on October 30, 2012, 03:48:50 PM
The Honeymoon.

The young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child", he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once more asked "What's wrong with your knees? They are all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?", she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees".

The new bride had to be satisfied with his answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess....Smallcox....."

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Enigma_2k4 on October 30, 2012, 04:18:43 PM
As a ginger this is unfortunately all too true for me :p

(http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/1347/gingerhelmet.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Cirr on October 30, 2012, 04:26:39 PM
As Hurricane Sandy hits North America,
so does a huge dustcloud hit Cape Town,
the Stormers had to dust off their trophy cabinet. :EGrin:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AlleyCat on October 30, 2012, 04:56:11 PM
You can only be a sore loser Sharks supporter. :baseball:

As a matter of interest the last time we (Stormers ) won the trophy 911 happened. Go figure.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on November 01, 2012, 11:27:10 AM
(http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8192/8144154518_20e9db35bf_c.jpg) (http://www.flickr.com/photos/alternativeroute/8144154518/)
Send Help (http://www.flickr.com/photos/alternativeroute/8144154518/) by arclients (http://www.flickr.com/people/alternativeroute/), on Flickr
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 01, 2012, 01:44:36 PM
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

  Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on November 01, 2012, 02:54:00 PM
Perfectly logical reasoning!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: LAV on November 01, 2012, 03:15:55 PM
‎"With Disney buying Star Wars, Donald Duck will now have four nephews: Huey, Louie, Dewey and Chewie."

(Ian Hyland, Daily Mail columnist)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 03, 2012, 11:25:06 AM
^^^obviously it's a joke only starwars fan will get.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 03, 2012, 02:08:08 PM
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

  Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Very logical thinking. I didnt realise that there's some people that use logic like I do. On that note Im gonna get me an epidural and ask someone to kick my nuts again
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on November 04, 2012, 01:07:51 AM
Just who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of you may have wondered who is Jack Schitt. Maybe many of you found yourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt?!" Well, thanks to my genaelogy efforts, I can now enlighten you all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition and had him baptised Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcements in the newspaper published the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sincerely

Crock O. Schitt

Oh Schitt, it Sunday already...
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on November 04, 2012, 08:14:50 AM
http://durban.gumtree.co.za/c-Electronics-audio-music-equipment-2-x-Sony-Speakers-for-Sale-W0QQAdIdZ428103041
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: AlleyCat on November 04, 2012, 09:03:09 AM
Just who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of you may have wondered who is Jack Schitt. Maybe many of you found yourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt?!" Well, thanks to my genaelogy efforts, I can now enlighten you all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition and had him baptised Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcements in the newspaper published the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sincerely

Crock O. Schitt

Oh Schitt, it Sunday already...

 :notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :clap: :clap:

Beeeaauuuutifuulllll!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 09, 2012, 02:49:59 PM
Listening to Bloodhoundgang made me have to post these lyrics  :ROFLMAO:

"A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying"


 I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love.
It had been a while.
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.
 
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Well I find it's quite a thrill
 When she grinds me against her will
 Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 
Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
 Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern,
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.
 
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Well I find it's quite a thrill
 When she grinds me against her will
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 
So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, "Even this one I have where Goodness Gracious
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.
 
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Well I find it's quite a thrill
 When she grinds me against her will
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?
 
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
 Well I find it's quite a thrill
 When she grinds me against her will
 Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on November 09, 2012, 09:05:50 PM
And that's funny? Joke for the day,remember? :nutter:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 10, 2012, 10:52:09 AM
^^^that song is funny as f***, the whole album actually.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 10, 2012, 12:09:17 PM
^^^that song is funny as f***, the whole album actually.

 :thumbs: I particulally like : The 10 best things about New Jersey :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on November 14, 2012, 02:36:19 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-z4iw8Ppo1o
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on November 15, 2012, 03:37:33 PM
students in quebec were asked to send their protest route to the police...

(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/StudentsInQuebecWereAskedToSendTheirProtestRouteToThePolice-71690.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on November 15, 2012, 03:41:00 PM
solution to farmers problems:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9yHl24QynOM

Can double up as daugthers matric farewell car. Can do do-nuts and stuff so perfect matric farewell vehicle.

Perfect solution for all those second hand volvos with good engines that can't get sold for R10k

:P
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 20, 2012, 03:39:21 PM
Now did you know beer contains female hormones ?
Yes, that's correct . . . . . FEMALE HORMONES !


Last month, Montreal University, and it's world-renowned Science-Panel, released the results of a recent analysis, that revealed the presence of female hormones in a bottle of beer.
 
Men should take a good concerned look at their beer- consumption.
 
The theory is that beer contains female hormones, (Hops contain Phytoestrogens), and that by drinking enough beer, men can turn slowly into women.

To test the theory, they had 100 men each drink eight (8) pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test-subjects, yes, 100% of all these men either:
 
 
1.  Argued over nothing.

2.  Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 
3.  Gained weight.

4.  Talked excessively without making sense.
 
5.   Became overly emotional.

6.  Could not drive.
 
7.  Failed to think rationally,
 
and in addition,
 
8.  Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was then deemed necessary !
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 20, 2012, 03:43:53 PM
:ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 21, 2012, 02:37:23 PM
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
 
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
 
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
 
'I don't like Chinese..'
 
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
 
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
 
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese.'

 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
 
There's a few minutes of silence.   'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
 
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
 
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
 
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
 
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 21, 2012, 02:38:57 PM
O que fazer num avião, quando o passageiro do lado é um chato?

What should you do, on an airplane, when the next seat passenger is disturbing you?

 

Tirar o computador portátil da mala

take your PC off the briefcase

 

Abrir a tampa devagar e calmamente

Open the lid slowly and calmly

 

Ligar

Switch it on

 

Assegurar-se de que o vizinho está a olhar

Make sure your neighbor is watching you

 

Fechar os olhos por breves momentos, abri-los de novo e dirigir o olhar para o céu

Close your eyes for a moment, open them again and look upwards to the sky

 

Respirar profundamente e abrir este link: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

Breathe profoundly and open this link: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

 

Agora, observe a expressão facial do vizinho.

Now, just watch your neighbor’s facial expression

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 21, 2012, 02:39:26 PM
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
 
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
 
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
 
'I don't like Chinese..'
 
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
 
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
 
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese.'

 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
 
There's a few minutes of silence.   'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
 
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
 
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
 
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
 
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: just sprayed Valpre water all over my desk  :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 21, 2012, 02:41:03 PM

Now, just watch your neighbor’s facial expression

 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: try that recently ? or were there other mile high activities :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 21, 2012, 02:44:41 PM
:BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH: try that recently ? or were there other mile high activities :point:

I am flying Business Class, so need for that :point: I am very sure you will get arrested on the Spot, so I wont even try :whistler:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on November 21, 2012, 05:22:28 PM
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
 
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
 
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
 
'I don't like Chinese..'
 
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
 
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
 
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese.'

 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
 
There's a few minutes of silence.   'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
 
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
 
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
 
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
 
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

 :BWAHAHAH: Man that is funny  :thumbs:

Hoe lyk dit WalkerJohn?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 21, 2012, 06:33:41 PM
:BWAHAHAH: Man that is funny  :thumbs:

Hoe lyk dit WalkerJohn?

Hey CAD. :thumbs:

Nee, lekker dankie man!! Was 11 Maande laas by die huis gewees, het 2 weeke terug ons Visa's gekry, so amper op pad huis toe. Dit was die rofste 11 Maande ooit. Nou gaan ek die Vakansie saam met my kinders en ouers geniet, kan nie wag nie. Hoe gaan dinge met jou?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on November 22, 2012, 02:01:52 PM
(http://s12.postimage.org/6uno57jz1/son.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on November 22, 2012, 02:46:32 PM
(http://s12.postimage.org/6uno57jz1/son.jpg)

 :faint:  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: lanties on November 22, 2012, 02:48:18 PM
^^^Geewis. In my young days we were only threatened with growing hair on the palm of our hands.  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 22, 2012, 02:50:16 PM
Poor fellow
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 22, 2012, 02:51:22 PM
^^^Geewis. In my young days we were only threatened with growing hair on the palm of our hands.  :BWAHAHAH:

So you're the one responsible for Gillette's high share price ? :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 22, 2012, 03:00:14 PM
He must be
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: lanties on November 22, 2012, 03:02:35 PM
So you're the one responsible for Gillette's high share price ? :point:

Absolutely. Minora's were just too dangerous. I was also the motivation behind triple blades. No idea who is responsible for all the new developments in blade technology. New kids on the block, I guess.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on November 23, 2012, 09:11:09 AM
Doing the rounds on FB:

(http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/14295_10151104388675686_222472045_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 23, 2012, 09:21:07 AM
Doing the rounds on FB:

(http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/14295_10151104388675686_222472045_n.jpg)

Top left officer can arrest and abuse me any day  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 23, 2012, 09:56:12 AM
Top left officer can arrest and abuse me any day  :ROFLMAO:

Hehehehehehhe, I was thinking exactly the same :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Stefan on November 23, 2012, 10:23:57 AM
Top left officer can arrest and abuse me any day  :ROFLMAO:

Cavity search?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on November 23, 2012, 10:27:49 AM
Doing the rounds on FB:

Asian policewomen around the world have exciting jobs, great - sometimes sexy - uniforms. SA policewoman are overworked, can hardly keep an eye open, and get pass-me-down uniforms from their male colleagues.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 23, 2012, 10:32:58 AM
Hehehehehehhe, I was thinking exactly the same :ROFLMAO:

Now HOW did I know that  :BWAHAHAH: :winkwink:



Cavity search?

If that's what gets her off  :point:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on November 23, 2012, 10:34:28 AM
Top left officer can arrest and abuse me any day  :ROFLMAO:

He he, if its Singapore and you dropped some gum then she might just spank you too...

Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 23, 2012, 10:35:35 AM
He he, if its Singapore and you dropped some gum then she might just spank you too...

Haha, noted for future reference  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on November 24, 2012, 09:12:11 PM
I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 24, 2012, 09:53:57 PM
I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."

That reminds me of my soon to be ex when she asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday, I said: an 18 year old.




I forgot to mention Scotch single malt  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on November 26, 2012, 10:59:28 PM
That reminds me of my soon to be ex when she asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday, I said: an 18 year old.




I forgot to mention Scotch single malt  :BWAHAHAH:
If that's too young, why not make it 2x 18 = 36?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on November 27, 2012, 07:33:08 AM
Get jiggy with it !!!!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_NspDWssIY&sns=em (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_NspDWssIY&sns=em)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 27, 2012, 08:35:09 AM
(http://uploads.co.za/files/t3u6t8f208b361eh8uvy.jpg) (http://uploads.co.za/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on November 27, 2012, 11:37:38 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po3jPq5LT0g&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on November 28, 2012, 10:14:21 AM
A teenage boy had  just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as  to when they could discuss his use of the car. 
His father said he'd  make a deal with his son:  'You bring your grades up from a C to  a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car.' 
The boy thought about  that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed  on it. 

After about  six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up  and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm  disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You  know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist  had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even  strong evidence that Goodness had long hair.' 

To this his father  replied,
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on November 28, 2012, 03:58:15 PM
(http://uploads.co.za/files/jeyhi0oq2gcr9dx19iz8.jpg) (http://uploads.co.za/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on November 28, 2012, 03:59:09 PM
/\  :BWAHAHAH: :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: zer0 on November 29, 2012, 12:43:54 PM
The "stupid questions in a job interview thread" reminded me of this one:

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, “My answer is, there IS no answer.”

The second one says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”

The third one says, “I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer“ He got the job.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: WalkerJohn on November 29, 2012, 07:09:19 PM
At the regular Sunday morning service, father George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If father George stays, I will give him s*ex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F*ck him." :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:

 
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on November 29, 2012, 09:31:56 PM
This one made me laugh...

(http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/156708_562133997149391_2122203506_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: chipwelder on November 30, 2012, 08:53:36 AM
I actually think number 4 quite clever
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on November 30, 2012, 09:16:36 AM
I actually think number 4 quite clever

I like #6  :D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: zer0 on November 30, 2012, 09:18:04 AM
#2 gave me a good chuckle ;D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: bbe22 on November 30, 2012, 12:25:27 PM
some sub woofers beyond xmax do #6 too !!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on December 01, 2012, 07:14:38 AM
#9 is the cleverest hands down.  :clap:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on December 01, 2012, 07:39:49 AM
#9 is the cleverest hands down.  :clap:

I liked that one; also #12.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on December 01, 2012, 10:13:23 AM
#9 is brilliant
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on December 04, 2012, 08:08:50 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYO6KBTALBU&list=UL
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on December 06, 2012, 10:57:47 AM
A husband and wife were playing golf when he hits his hooks his tee shot behind the greenkeepers shed. When the find his ball he says ''I will chipout sideways''
She says'' If you open the double doors on both sides you can hit a 5 iron thru the shed to the green''
He agrees but the ball rebounds off the shed and hits his wife on the temple and kills her.
Five years later he is remarried and playing golf on the same course and he hooks his ball left behind the same shed
When they find his ball his wife starts '' If you open the double doors to te shed you can hit a f.."
He interrupts '' Dont even think about it.. the last time I tried that I made tripple bogey''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: tangmonster on December 06, 2012, 01:43:38 PM
This looks to me like it is going to contain some jewels in the near future:


http://sockpuppettheatre.com/
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on December 07, 2012, 08:48:08 AM
takes a while to load: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/people-who-are-having-a-worse-day-than-you

here is one of my best from the page:

(http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2012/11/30/12/anigif_enhanced-buzz-25783-1354297328-4.gif)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on December 07, 2012, 11:49:44 AM
A Benoni man attempeted suicide by eating over a hundred Rennies last night. Emergency services rushed  the man to BP for steak and kidney pies and stabilized  his condition.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 08, 2012, 08:49:20 AM
WTF ?

(http://i47.tinypic.com/am5y08.png)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on December 13, 2012, 11:56:06 AM
^^^^ Yes seriously: WTF  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: NoSnipeLimit on December 13, 2012, 12:09:33 PM
From what google says it's a big problem, I'm sure the people that do it have a bigger issue for wanting to T bag the xbox though.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Blues on December 16, 2012, 08:42:11 AM
(http://cdn1.spiegel.de/images/image-438154-panoV9free-gxtk.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: u235 on December 18, 2012, 01:40:16 PM
 Dear Santa,


How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *



Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *


Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *



Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *



Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys

and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *



Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees

you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

**** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you

asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *



Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *



Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: GearSlave on December 18, 2012, 02:03:46 PM
Hahahahaahhaa!!!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on December 18, 2012, 07:42:36 PM
"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished; so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptions, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum, u luvum!!"
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on December 18, 2012, 07:49:48 PM
Dear Santa,


How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the....



Rofl... Truly funny, thanks!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on December 21, 2012, 03:03:49 PM
(http://uploads.co.za/files/wpe1lu7peh3x2r2pjdry.jpg) (http://uploads.co.za/)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 21, 2012, 03:36:49 PM
^^ :ROFLMAO:

Funny thing is though, they both sound aweful
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Family_Dog on December 21, 2012, 06:23:15 PM
aweful?   :point:


-F_D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: cj on December 21, 2012, 06:51:11 PM
actually the pro's were pretty good, expensive but rather nice at what they do. (4 stars from the what hifi nogal). The studios had the active shite that added noise and the solos were kak as are the newer dj ones
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on December 21, 2012, 08:47:52 PM
(http://mistyslaws.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/holiday-workout1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on December 23, 2012, 11:56:26 AM
Constitutional Court Rules No Nativity Scene in Pretoria this Year.

the Constitutional Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the capital this Christmas season.

This is not for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the nation's capital. The search for a virgin continues with no success until now.

There was no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on December 23, 2012, 12:11:09 PM
 ^^^ :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: BWS on December 24, 2012, 09:51:07 AM
 :BWAHAHAH: :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on December 26, 2012, 08:52:44 AM
^^ :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on December 30, 2012, 06:28:29 PM
Julius Malema: Comrades and friends I don't want to marry Christmas because I don't even know her if she's fat, black or white.

I therefore appeal to you to stop sending me your advise to merry Christmas.
I want to place it on record that I have a woman that I love and definately is not Christmas.

If this is a plot for me to merry christmas it won't succeed. Am fighting my battle to get my ANC membership.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on December 31, 2012, 12:50:26 PM
Koos walked into the only chemist in Drie Susters  and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees except Tooltjies the delivery scooter rider.

She then asked Koos again if she could help him but he insisted that he would be much more comfortable to discuss his problem with a male pharmacist.

Evelyn the pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and that whatever he needed to discuss, he could be assured of her complete professionalism.

Koos then swallowed hard and started to talk: " This is tough for me to discuss but I keep on getting erections several times each day lasting for hours on end. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it".

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister"...

When she returned, she said, ":We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do...

1/3rd ownership in the store, a company Landcruiser, a queensized bed and R12'000 per month living expenses.

maifioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on January 01, 2013, 10:34:25 AM
^^^ LOL, give the man a raise! ^^^
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on January 01, 2013, 10:38:27 AM
If you laugh at these you're not drunk anymore  :point:

Not Very Punny...
 
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Kane on January 01, 2013, 12:37:40 PM
http://youtu.be/U9Q88uTdgWY
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 02, 2013, 08:35:23 AM
Ultimate Fails Compilation 2012 || Best Fails of the Year!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=channel%3A66bdc338-5215-266e-89c5-47d7b343180&feature=iv&src_vid=Gng3sPiJdzA&v=HvuEFafFhBA
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 02, 2013, 01:56:38 PM
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/45080/the-50-most-hilarious-autocorrects-of-2012/
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on January 02, 2013, 08:53:10 PM
Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls.

There is a clear medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about beople having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

To enlighten you, here are the definitions:

GUTS: Arriving home late after a night out on the tiles, being met by your wife holding a broom and having the GUTS to ask 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?'

BALLS: Coming home late after a night out, smelling of cheap perfume and stale beer with lipstick on your shirt. Slapping your wife on her bum and having the BALLS to say, "You're next, fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference to the outcome.

Both result in bodily harm to yourself at best or even death.

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on January 03, 2013, 09:04:54 AM
Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls.

There is a clear medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about beople having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

To enlighten you, here are the definitions:

GUTS: Arriving home late after a night out on the tiles, being met by your wife holding a broom and having the GUTS to ask 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?'

BALLS: Coming home late after a night out, smelling of cheap perfume and stale beer with lipstick on your shirt. Slapping your wife on her bum and having the BALLS to say, "You're next, fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference to the outcome.

Both result in bodily harm to yourself at best or even death.

mafioso
^^ kikikikikiki
It reminds me of the difference between stamina and power. Power is the ability to hang a wet towel on your erect wee-wee while stamina is the ability to hang a wet towel on your erect wee-wee until the towel gets dry
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: iondb on January 03, 2013, 12:22:03 PM
 :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Ju_dy@RT on January 05, 2013, 02:22:55 PM
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HpORMbzVvjI/TV4ox-vSywI/AAAAAAAAAJA/47la80dq5Tw/s1600/capslock.png)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: oNyX on January 08, 2013, 12:46:02 AM
Not my joke, but still funny and 100% true.

(https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/430923_510384145667854_811985881_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on January 11, 2013, 11:21:10 AM
The Dangers of Slow Golfers

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "What's wrong?" to which his boss replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: adie on January 11, 2013, 11:34:38 AM
Top 20 Childrens Books that didn't get published:

 

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers, Scissors and Saws: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Children's Guide to Hitchiking
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Puppies Can Fly!
That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption!
The Pop-Up Karma Sutra
The Magical World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
Controlling the Playground: How to Gain Respect Through Fear
Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster, and Other Fun Microwave Games
Eggs, Toilet Paper, Shaving Cream and Your School
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on January 11, 2013, 11:35:03 AM
^^^^  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: CAD on January 11, 2013, 12:38:23 PM
Quote
Pop! Goes the Hamster, and Other Fun Microwave Games

 :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on January 12, 2013, 01:31:03 PM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''

''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''

''But officer, I just wanted to say...''

''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''

''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: mahleu on January 12, 2013, 01:38:34 PM
(http://img855.imageshack.us/img855/6103/musico.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: oNyX on January 12, 2013, 08:26:58 PM
Remember when they said Windows Phone 8 is based on the same kernel used in Windows on the PC? They weren't lying.  :ROFLMAO:

(https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/553190_449778808409716_138118548_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: oNyX on January 13, 2013, 04:00:27 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/555218_509152819129396_488106545_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on January 13, 2013, 10:00:53 PM
/\  :ROFLMAO:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: TimbaLand on January 15, 2013, 10:58:54 AM
I was queing in traffic on the infamous always gridlocked Woodmead offramp this morning. A taxi whizzed past all of us on the gravel on the right hand side. The gravel is covered by grass bcs of the recent rains. Just as my temper was flaring I saw a 2nd taxi follow though my rear view mirror and as he was passing my car I heard a loud bang and he came to a forced stop. Because of the grass that has grown he didnt see there was a ditch and he went right into it with the front right hand side wheel and he was stuck.

My blood pressure went down at 200km/h bcs of how funny it was. The "clever taxi driver" will need to be towed out to get out of there. Nature has a way of punishing menaces of society.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Shonver on January 15, 2013, 11:14:24 AM
Hehe! I witnessed a similar but dumber incident. Traffic was backed up on the bridge and a young guy had the idea that he could scoot past everyone on the left shoulder. I cussed as he so he screamed past us, but was soon amused to see the car come to an abrupt stop. He had driven straight into the curb at the end of the shoulder! As we passed him I saw that his front mag wheels were totally wrecked.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: cj on January 15, 2013, 12:01:47 PM
On beyers there are various idiots who decide to drive in the emergency lane, always ticks me off but today i saw three traffic cops on bikes waiting for the buggers (taxi's and other dip shits).. always a nice feeling seeing the a-hole's getting a ticket (their expressions are priceless)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on January 15, 2013, 12:41:53 PM
Thats what I want to see JMPD doing. Actually doing something about dangerous driving. And the other day I saw them giving a taxi driver a couple of snotklappe. >:D

Normally I only see their khaki suits sticking out from under a bush or behind a wall. I can't express how little that does to make me love them more.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: skollie on January 15, 2013, 03:29:48 PM
Husband takes his wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it stick - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still effing celebrating!!!"

mafioso
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Rotten Johnny on January 15, 2013, 03:50:52 PM
^^^  :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on January 15, 2013, 09:12:47 PM
^^^  :clap:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: XcA on January 15, 2013, 09:21:19 PM
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.  It identifies that American Indians have the longest average wee-wee and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: philipc on January 15, 2013, 11:06:14 PM
^^^ :BWAHAHAH:
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on January 15, 2013, 11:15:55 PM
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.  It identifies that American Indians have the longest average wee-wee and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

My version includes: "...but the Afrikaner man has been found to be the sweet spot between size, technique and passion. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours? He replies: Tonto Kawalski, but my friends call me Frik.  Mates
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on January 16, 2013, 10:38:47 AM
some Armstrong humour....


From Sky-news apparently:
(http://jerm.co.za/images/2013/01/lance-armstrong-drugs-sky-news-fail.jpg)

and

(http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/550874_493964910669586_851127_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on January 16, 2013, 11:28:33 AM
A country boy gets married and is taking his new wife home in his buggy.

About five miles out of town the horse stops, the farmer says "That's once" cracks his whip and the horse start moving. Halfway home and the horse stops again.The farmer says "That's twice" ,cracks the whip and the horse starts moving again. As the get to the farm gate the horse stops again. The farmer says "That's three!", takes out his Colt SAA and shoots the horse in the head.

His wife jumps up and says "WTF are you doing?"

The farmer says "That's once" and they lived happily ever after.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: alternativeroute on January 18, 2013, 11:23:20 AM
I only laugh because I have done it before (not with the same result)  :)

(http://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/537138_531380663549980_1972773970_n.png)
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: soundadv on January 18, 2013, 12:25:54 PM
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.

The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on January 18, 2013, 12:42:17 PM
Doctor to patient '' Mrs Smith, you are NOT a hypocondriac, you only THINK you are a hypocondriac.
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: ish on January 21, 2013, 10:16:08 AM
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.    It's syncing now.
When chemists die,  they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.    He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea?    Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.    Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never  met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.    I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.    It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period!
Why were the Indians here first?    They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first.     Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?     A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished.  Now the police  have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.     Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again?   Oh dear!
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: PvA on January 22, 2013, 01:53:03 PM
Not really a joke, but a very good explanation:

“Fiscal Cliff” put in a much better perspective

Lesson # 1:
U.S. Tax Revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
Federal Budget: $3,820,000,000,000
New Debt: $1,650,000,000,000
National Debt: $14,271,000,000,000
Recent Budget cuts: 38,500,000,000

Let’s now remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a household budget:
... Annual family income: $21,700
Money the family spent: $38,200
New debt on the credit card: $16,500
Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
Total budget cuts so far: $385
Got it?…. OK now…

Lesson # 2
Here’s another way of looking at the Debt Ceiling:
Let’s say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood… and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do?
Raise the ceiling or remove the ****?
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: Atjan on January 23, 2013, 07:25:29 AM
Eish, thats just scary.
Wonder if Telephono is planning to come back home now. >:D
Title: Re: Joke for the day
Post by: David Copperfield on January 24, 2013, 08:00:32 PM
(http://www.mabus.biz/photos/frodo.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke for the day