Joke for the day

[ghostinthemachine]

Farts on live TV - she did not expect that... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1blE6Fb_qT8&feature=related

And for those with strong constitutions - vomit on live TV - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x02PqtMgBBA&feature=related - but she makes a very good recovery! LMOA!

[Stefan]

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

...

...

Who comes up with this ****?

[Mervin]

5 minutes of forgetting about life's challenges.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GphwxllxED0&feature=related

[Robert_E]

Funny funny funny That guy in the attic trippled like little girl rofl

[Dennis]

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO

HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN

SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER

“T”….EXAMPLE OF THOSE DAYS ARE:

TUESDAY

THURSDAY

THANKSGIVING

TODAY

TOMORROW

THATURDAY

AND THUNDAY

[Dennis]

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language.

One day the woman asked, “Can’t we try to make love with the lights off?”

The man said, “Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?”

The woman said, “Well, when you’re in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I’ll know. If you don’t want to, shake my right breast once.”

The man said, “All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times, ok?”

[Dennis]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

[Dennis]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the ****** putt, didn't you?"

[GearSlave]

^^^^^ That had me in stitches!

[BigWoodenSpoon]

What do you get when you cross a GPS with a woman with PMS ?












An angry bitch that WILL find you 

[GearSlave]

Ad in the Junkmail

Brand new set of Encyclopeadias for sale: Got married, wife knows f..ken everything

[BigWoodenSpoon]

Why is sex like paintball ?

You go at it for 1/2 an hour, get really hot and sweaty and at the end you hope its not you that got shot in the eye 

[Willi]

http://coolmaterial.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/history-facebook-updates.jpg

[Dennis]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the
fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the King's
Head, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
Mick's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid. All on the
house!"

 The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself,
personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me young
sister quite a few times."

[Family_Dog]

 There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
 trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
 to see a man crying."

 "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

 I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

 "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,

 I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

 then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

 But enough about me, how's your day going?".


-F_D